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I've been put in a difficult position.

(29 Posts)
Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 00:58:18

An old friend of mine has recently got in contact I want to start by saying she's really is a lovely girl and I like her a lot however she has always been quite troubled going back about 5 or 6 years ago she was heavily into drugs mainly "party drugs"

She already had a little girl but her own father has special guardianship of her as my friend really wasn't stable enough at the time to care for her properly. My friend then met a guy who again was into drugs only much more heavily they got married and had a son about a year or so later her husband was found dead in his room their relationship was pretty rocky and I think they had actually freshly split up at the time of his death.

An ex girlfriend who had remained friends with the husband took my friend to caught and was actually awarded guardianship of her son and was allowing my friend to see him a few times a year the contact stopped around 2 years ago by the other woman im not sure why since then the other woman has been referring to my friends son as her son on social media even got his name tattooed on her.

My friend does seem as though she has completely turned her life around in the last 2/3 years she has a nice flat, a job and she also has her eldest child back in her custody. She has been fighting to get her son back but the other woman recently sent her a video of the little boy saying he doesn't want to see her. The other woman and the son are referring to my friend as her name instead of mum. I've seen the video and you can really tell the whole thing is very rehearsed he is using phrases that a child of his age would not use. As a mother apart from your child being seriously hurt or killed I really dont think it gets much worse then receiving a video like that the other woman took great delight in recording it and sending it to my friend.

My friend got in contact around 6 months ago i haven't seen her in a good 4 years we lost contact and I've never been interested in drugs but she was always a lovely girl to talk to hence the friendship and I've always kept her on social media. She asked me last night if i would write a character reference for her as a mother so she can use it to support her case in court. I really want to help her and I really do believe she has changed and turned her life right around but I'm only going by the things she posts on Facebook and the fact she has her dd I'm not particularly close to her anymore and I'm just not comfortable putting my name to something I don't know is 100% true if she was to get him back and anything happened i would feel responsible but on the other hand my heart broke for her when she sent me the video of her son saying he doesn't want to see her.

How can I help her? What should I do?

I discussed this with my husband and he suggested I could write my impression of her and how much I can see she loves and misses him so i would basically not saying she is a brilliant mother blah blah blah but saying that i can see that she wants to be.

I'm sorry this is so long I just wanted to get everything down and off my chest apologies for any errors and if it's at all confusing.

isthisspring Thu 24-May-18 01:01:06

Is this in the UK OP?

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:03:16

Yes in the UK

Shadow666 Thu 24-May-18 01:08:05

Maybe just explain what you have explained here that she's a lovely person and you're sure she's a wonderful mum but you only know her through Facebook really, it would be better to ask someone she knows in real life. She has custody of her eldest daughter now, so someone must know her as a parent.

Wildlingofthewest Thu 24-May-18 01:08:48

You can’t and shouldn’t do it, you don’t know her as a mother, do you?
You knew her years ago and you’ve got back In contact recently but your not a part of her life, you can’t vouch for her in this way and it’s unfair that she’s put you in this position. It actually sounds like she only got back in touch with you so she could butter you up to ask you to do this..,.
If she’s really turned her life around she will have people actively involved in her life who should be able to do this. Friends/family/employer etc

Thewhale2903 Thu 24-May-18 01:12:23

That is a really difficult position to be put in. I think your husband may have a good solution there. You really haven't been in contact with her much, do you think they would use a character reference if you gave one since you didn't speak for a long time?
That would be heart breaking for a mother to see. Has she shown that video to anyone?

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:13:40

I actually had an awful feeling that she got in contact for that very reason I dont think it's just me she has asked I think she's trying to get as many people to vouch for her as possible. She also knows I dislike the woman who took her son she isn't a nice girl at all and if truth be told she shouldn't even have her own children let alone anyone else's but that's another story.

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:15:12

I dont know who else has seen the video and she didn't tell me it was private but I haven't shown anyone else she sent it to me it's really awful to watch.

Thewhale2903 Thu 24-May-18 01:15:52

Do you think the child is being well cared for and treated well with this woman?

Thewhale2903 Thu 24-May-18 01:18:58

I think it should be shown to a social worker, I'm guessing she has one.
That's playing mind games with a child, he shouldn't even know what's going on never mind be forced to do something like that!

Wildlingofthewest Thu 24-May-18 01:21:23

She showed you that video to get you “on side” so you feel emotionally involved.
She’s playing you.
As I’ve said - if she’s genuine then she will have people in life now who can vouch for her. It speaks volumes that she’s reached out on Facebook to you (and others?) to ask you to do this. It’s all very calculated and manipulated.
Also, if this is a court case or similar then any information you provide will have to be real and genuine and not just the information that she has clearly been drip feeding to you.
Is she aware of how you feel about the lady who has her son? Again, if so, she’s using your feelings to sway you into doing this.
I would stay as far away from this as you can.

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:22:31

It's not so much about now but I remeber her when her own dc were young she made some pretty bad choices regarding her own children. Over the past 2 years she has cut that child off from everyone in his life including his grandparents who are loving and supportive people she will not allow the child to refer to my friend as mum always by her name. She just really isn't a very nice person she's always been a nasty bully her and her best friend used to make my life hell.

Wildlingofthewest Thu 24-May-18 01:25:46

None of that matters
What matters is this
Is the little boy being well looked after now? Is he in a safe, stable home being looked after properly but caring responsible adult(s)

That’s it

It really doesn’t matter how you feel about her or what your history is with her, that’s nothing to do with any of this.

I would distance yourself from this entire situation- your too emotionally involved and it’s going to get messy.

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:25:59

She knows i dislike the other woman but she also knows that just because I dislike her and don't think she's the best person for the child doesn't mean i will automatically agree that she is.

I dont feel like I'm on side or anything I want to be supportive but I refuse to do anything that could potentially put a child in harms way.

isthisspring Thu 24-May-18 01:26:27

An SGO would only have been granted to the other woman following a report by children's services. It is a reasonably in depth process getting one of these granted.
A significant change in circumstances and it being in the best interests of the child would both need to be proved.
I would only write what you can vouch for. The courts are unlikely to be swayed by friends' testimonies. Your friend is more likely to need clean drug tests, employment records, school reports for the child she is looking after.

passmetheloppers Thu 24-May-18 01:26:37

I'm at a loss to understand how she came to get custody of him in the first place. She isn't even a relative.

Wildlingofthewest Thu 24-May-18 01:28:39

Yeah of course
Bottom line is you don’t know her well enough now to stand up and tell the world she’s a good mother. You just don’t.
Decline to do this for her, wish her well and let that be the end of your involvement with it, otherwise you’ll be getting dragged along for the ride - do you want that kind of drama at your door??

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:30:26

Wildling I guess you are right.. honestly I would say he is being cared for as in he is clean and fed the home life isn't very stable but it's nothing to do with drugs or anything like that.

springydaff Thu 24-May-18 01:30:46

That child is being abused - perhaps SS would be interested in the story.
Aside from anything else, parental alienation is against the law.

You say yourself it's obvious the whole thing was rehearsed - and also that the woman shouldn't have her own chldren let alone anyone else's. You need to stand up and say this - other wise how will the authorities know?

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:32:56

Passme don't even go that I've always scratched my head over that she also has a child with my friends dh so she's the other of his half sibling that's as far as the relation goes.

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:35:51

She already has ss on her back. I think that's why my friend is being so urgent about wanting a reference maybe she's worried if ss take action her son could end up anywhere?

isthisspring Thu 24-May-18 01:36:31

You only need to consent of the person with parental responsibility to apply for this order. Is it possible that your friend agreed to this initially? Perhaps to prevent the child going into care? She can I think go back to court about specific issues so it might be worth exploring the contact issue with the wider family in court again, if she doesn't regain residency. She would need to check this out with a lawyer as I don't know much about what happens after they are granted.

Thewhale2903 Thu 24-May-18 01:38:23

I would contact social services about this, you don't have to say who you are if you are worried about this woman finding out.

Mummyduck10 Thu 24-May-18 01:40:59

Yes maybe I should I definately wouldn't want her to know it was me im not scared of her or anything but she's quite well known for being vindictive id be worried about the retaliation

AlisonCHaynes Thu 24-May-18 01:41:36

That seems a bit strange, most Sgos I've come across have been granted to grand parents or siblings. Was the child living with the ex before the husband died?

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