What do I do in this situation? Please help!(79 Posts)
I have been volunteering with something that is organised through work. It is done during the working day and I commute to and from this activity using my own car. I would normally drive into work on the days when I'm not doing this activity so the fact that I'm in the car going to and from this activity would be the norm.
A colleague who is also volunteering at this activity has seen me as the taxi service to get to and from this activity.
I don't want to be seen as her chauffeur (or anyone elses either). I didn't mind taking her once or twice but every week that we're both doing this activity, she contacts me directly asking if she can get a lift.
So far today, from her I've had one phone call where she left a message, one missed call and one email all asking the same thing.
How do I get out of this situation while remaining friendly to her (as I don't want the atmosphere to change when we are both at this activity)?
What's the actual problem with giving your colleague a lift? Do you have to go out of your way?
The problem is that I don't want to bring the colleague any more. Anyone else who is taking part in this volunteering gets to/from the location themselves. I'm not a taxi service and there are ways to get to the location without relying on another volunteer.
I don't have to go out of my way to bring her.
At this stage, I think she has engineered it so that she will be volunteering on the weeks that I also volunteer.
Just text back 'sorry, can't do it today' and leave it at that.
If she asks why, you can tell her it's 'personal and you'd rather not talk about it'.
Of course that will likely mean that you will have all sorts of people asking you what is going on.
Can you change the volunteering times/days?
"Sorry, that doesn't work for me".
If pressed, your mornings and afternoon are too tight on time. Unless she's at the end of your road in which case you need to be more inventive.
@SilverHairedCat - no, she isn't at the end of my road. She works in a different building to me.
She just wants me to bring her to and from the activity instead of making her own way there under her own steam.
Do you go out of your way to bring her / take her home?
@MadMags - I don't go out of my way to bring her there or take her back to work but I fail to see how that is relevant.
I no longer want to bring her (or any other volunteer) to and from this activity. It was not what I signed up for. As I said in my opening post, I didn't mind doing it once or twice but it's every time now.
I'm going to have to make something up for the upcoming morning of activity but after that I'll have to do something more permanent.
Could those of you with cars draw up a transport rota to take those without, thereby sharing the load between you, instead of you taking this one person all the time?
How far away is the voluntary thing? A few minutes in a car as opposed to a 30 minute walk in the cold and rain?
I don't go out of my way to bring her there or take her back to work but I fail to see how that is relevant
It's relevant because seems a very selfish attitude from you if there's no inconvenience to you to give the woman a lift.
If she was asking you to pick her up and drop her off somewhere that added half an hour to your journey, one way or each way, she'd be a CF.
As you've explained it, you're going anyway, it's not out of your way to take her and you have no reason apart from you'd rather not be helpful. Ironic really when the thing you're taking her to is connected with volunteering
If she doesn't want to give someone a lift, she doesn't have to. She doesn't need a reason and it doesn't make her selfish.
OP, I'd just tell her that the lifts don't work for you any more and you won't be able to do them anymore. If she asks why, just rinse and repeat.
I really can't see your problem if you are doing the journey exactly the same way whether or not she's with you. It seems a bit mean to expect her to go on public transport or some other way when you are going and there's plenty of room in the car.
Just send her a message simply saying I'm unable to give you lifts any more,if she asks why,say due to personal circumstances.... you don't owe her anything,lifts,explanations....
I doubt she's viewing you as a taxi or chauffeur to be honest, she probably just assumed that you are being nice and don't mind giving her a lift. Especially when it's not out of your way or really any bother to you other than her being sat in the car.
However it is your car and you can just text back to say sorry, I'm just letting you know it's no longer possible for me to give you a lift.... It does come across as a bit petty on your part though
I can't see the issue if you aren't going out of your way to give her a lift? Seems a bit selfish tbh.
You shouldn't have to give a lift if you don't want to.
How about the fact that your car is only insured for domestic, not business, use and that you are therefore concerned about using it to give a business colleague a lift on a regular basis?
You aren't going to be seen as her chauffeur, just a colleague who is giving her a lift. If it's a way you're going anyway and won't inconvenience you then it would be petty not to drive her imho. I think that there is no really easy or polite way to turn her down .
Say you have chronic gas (body gas) issues,there....too embarrassed as you don't know her well enough. She can't dispute that,and you don't look like the bad one
Would this work?
'I'm really sorry i can't give you a permanent lift. I get very little time to myself and I relish the journey to and from (the thing) as 'me time''
Or words to that effect?
If you don't want to give a lift then you don't have to. But unless there's information missing from your posts it does come across as selfish. If you care enough about the organisation to volunteer would you consider extending that consideration to a fellow volunteer?
Or do you only volunteer because it is enjoyable/beneficial for you?
It is your car and you can choose to keep it for yourself.
However I can't see how refusing to give anyone a lift in these circumstances (where it doesn't cost you time/distance/extra effort) won't be seen as selfish and unkind.
The fact is, it isn't unselfish and it isn't kind. You simply don't want to do a favour. You are within your rights - but it isn't the right thing to do as far as the rest of the world is concerned.
So it is fine to do just as you like with your car - but you must be ready for your actions to be seen as they will be. Do you care? Act accordingly.
I'm sorry - another one who can't see the problem.
You said you don't have to go out of your way, so I'm assuming your colleague can meet you at your car and make their own way from your car to and from their office/the volunteering.
Is the colleague smelly? Nigel Farage? Randomly violent?
Can you only drive whilst shrieking along to opera and you're embarrassed to expose anyone to your dreadful singing?
What is the reason you don't want to give the colleague a lift? Just because she's asked?
I really don't understand what the problem is. I would say "meet me at my car at x o'clock" and if they're not there or in any way pissing about, I would leave without them.
But on the information you've given, what I would do is give the colleague a lift.
I dont think you can get out of it whilst still seeming friendly. The friendly thing to do is offer a lift if you are going to and from the same place? You are allowed to say no of course but it isnt really the 'kind' thing to do. Why dont you want to? It seems you just resent it without it actually inconveniencing you, do you not like her? Why would you make her get other transport when she can just come with you?
Would you feel different if they offered petrol money? Or you just don’t want to give them a lift full stop? (Which does sound a little unreasonable, to be honest).
Had to step away there for a little bit. Just coming back to the thread now.
- My routine on the days that I partake in this activity as a volunteer is I drive into work, park, do some work, leave to volunteer and drive myself to this activity. This colleague who works in another building, asks me for a lift to the activity. She has never offered to drive me there, even though I know she can and does drive herself. She has driven herself to the activity in the past.
- I can see by the majority of the responses that you think I'm being selfish or unkind or uncaring and that is fair enough and I accept that.
-Would you still be of that opinion if it were you and your colleague was trying to contact you twice by phone and once by email a day ahead of the activity to find out if they can get a lift with you? Would you not be thinking that your colleague should either (a) find an alternative way to get to the activity or (b) offer lifts in return?
I actually volunteered to help the people at the activity if I'm 100% honest. I didn't realise that by volunteering, I also had to extend lifts to and from the activity to colleagues.
As I stated from the get go, I didn't mind driving her to it once or twice. It's the fact that it is happening every week when I'm volunteering that I'm getting ticked off with.
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