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Problem with friend and my partner

(44 Posts)
Susiedirizhor Tue 13-Mar-18 10:09:36

I have been married for 3 years and with my partner for 5 years before that. Prior to this relationship I shared a flat with a friend for about 15 years. We were absolutely best friends and did everything together. Our relationship was only ever platonic. When I met my wife my flat mate was upset and avoided spending any time with me and my partner - initially not hard as my partner lived about 6 hours drive away. When I moved home my flat mate still wanted to spend time with me on my own and refused to come and spend time with us. This has been the case for 8 years now. In January she did come to visit and I thought it was all great and things were going to get better. Only they haven’t. They have got worse. My friend’s birthday has been a problem date for years and this year was now exception. She wanted me to spend it with her. My wife invited her to spend it with us and even booked a cottage for us all to stay in. Friend refused. She has refused to return any messages from my wife and has now said she understands she will never see me again but continues to want to speak to me at length daily. My wife says she can’t tolerate this and asks me not to speak to my friend. My friend says my wife is controlling me and I should stand up for myself. I can’t bear to hurt anyone and feel really stuck and don’t know what to do. Please give me helpful advice!!!

obviousNC101 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:10:39

Your friend is being very unreasonable. Therefore you are being unreasonable to pander to her behaviour!

Susiedirizhor Tue 13-Mar-18 10:17:10

Are you sure? I worry that my wife is being controlling or is it my friend that is messing with my head? I can’t bear the thought of hurting people and whatever I do someone gets hurt - either my wife or my friend and it’s destroyjng me.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 13-Mar-18 10:19:35

Your friend is not acting the way friends would usually act.

Is your wife controlling in other ways? Or does she just want a life without this drama llama wrecking your head?

Susiedirizhor Tue 13-Mar-18 10:21:51

I don’t feel she is controlling in other ways and so im confused as it does feel like she is say you cannot do this. She has already said that about me spending time on my own with my friend and that has been accepted and auctioned, but now I’m not allowed to talk to her either - Is that reasonable or normal??

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 13-Mar-18 10:23:15

This will only work if your friend is willing to accept your wife. Your wife has had her attempts at being on friendly terms thrown in her face.

Your friend is in love with you.

RavenclawRealist Tue 13-Mar-18 10:24:05

You wife has invited this women into her home and planned a holiday for her all so that you can still spend time with her! That doesn't sound controlling to me!

Your friend has refused to spend any time with you wife made things very awkward for everyone and then tried to use emotional blackmail on you! That is controlling

Unless you have a drip feed coming you need to make it clear to your friend that wife has really tried and you can't go on like this so she either accepts her or you part ways!

Theworldisfullofidiots Tue 13-Mar-18 10:24:25

Your friend is being controlling and I suspect she's in love with you.

Your wife had probably picked this up.

FlyingMonkeys Tue 13-Mar-18 10:25:24

It sounds like it's your friend whose dug her heels in doing the pick me dance. Your wife has tried to be friendly and this has been rejected.

BaronessBomburst Tue 13-Mar-18 10:25:58

No, the problem is most definitely your friend. Your wife has tried to include and welcome her, but your friend is refusing to even be civil to your wife.
I suspect that your friend is holding a torch for you and is massively jealous. I'm sorry but I think you're going to be forced to choose between them.

iklboo Tue 13-Mar-18 10:26:10

Your friend is being unreasonable expecting you to talk to her at length on a daily basis and spend her birthday with you alone - especially after your wife has made efforts to include her and offer the olive branch. Your friend is rude in refusing to acknowledge, speak to or spend any time in your wife's company.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 13-Mar-18 10:26:31

Has she said 'you're not allowed to talk to her' or 'please can you consider withdrawing from this friendship as your friend has shown time and again she is not a friend to our marriage' or something in between?

I've had times when I've really wanted to ask my partner not to speak to some of her friends. I've never banned her but I've stated very strongly what I've felt, and tried to support her working through ways to avoid the person affecting her life adversely.

Susiedirizhor Tue 13-Mar-18 10:27:46

Probably more the ‘please consider withdrawing from this friendship’ option than the other. To be fair.

BaronessBomburst Tue 13-Mar-18 10:27:48

Well, pretty unanimous so far.......

Susiedirizhor Tue 13-Mar-18 10:29:05

Thanks all.

Bossbaby12 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:29:06

Why does your friend not want to spend any time with your Wife?

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 13-Mar-18 10:29:27

Your wife sounds like a saint tbh.

If you're in a long-term partnership it shouldn't be a feeling of being caught in the middle of two warring parties. It should be about assessing whether someone is a threat to your partnership.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 13-Mar-18 10:30:12

are you in a same-sex relationship? don't want to make assumptions based on your user name

Susiedirizhor Tue 13-Mar-18 10:32:10

Yes I am.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 13-Mar-18 10:34:01

www.safehousecenter.org/power-and-control-in-lgbt-relationships/ This is a power and control wheel with behaviours that apply to an abusive lesbian relationship.
If your wife was controlling, it's likely you'd recognise a lot of these behaviours.

There is a tiny chance from what you've said that your friend might be worrying about you and wants to see you on your own.

However, I think it's much more likely that your friend is a needy pain in the arse.

I didn't want to ignore the tiny chance though.

Susiedirizhor Tue 13-Mar-18 10:35:57

Thanks - that's really kind and helpful.

thewreckofthehesperus Tue 13-Mar-18 10:36:33

This woman might be a friend of yours but she is not a friend of your relationship. If the situation were reversed would you be happy with your wife having a male friend who excluded you and treated you the way this woman has treated your wife?

Your wife has made an effort, tried to be welcoming and inclusive of this friendship. In my opinion it is clear that this friend feels ownership of you or is hopeful that something is still on the cards for the two of you. This is eventually going to take a toll on your marriage, your wife is clearly rightly suspicious of this woman's intentions.

I agree with Ravenclaw Realist in that your friend needs to accept your wife, the person you have chosen to spend your life with or you will need to part ways.

joystir59 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:37:06

I'm in a same sex relationship too OP and both my wife and I have close friends, who we spend time with 121 and also all together. I wouldn't accept a friend of either myself or my wife behaving like this. Your friend doesn't accept your relationship and wanting long daily conversations is ridiculous. She needs to shape up or lose out.

joystir59 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:38:46

But when I think about it the real problem here is you OP. Why have you pandered to your friend for so long, when she doesn't respect your relationship?

Babybrainx2 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:39:14

If I was your wife, you'd have had an ultimatum long before now! How can you be friends with someone who is so disrespectful and just plain nasty to the person you love?
I would end the friendship without a second thought. She is selfish and putting unreasonable demands on you. You could ask your friend to start being nice to your wife, but if that starts now, your poor wife will know its fake and that your friend is only doing it to keep a grip on you.

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