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What do I do?

(5 Posts)
Meg123456789 Tue 13-Mar-18 03:52:52

I'm in a very sticky situation so only comment if you have actual advice please, I don't need a lecture or nasty comments because I'm in a bad enough place as it is.

I do still love my partner, as that isn't something I think I'll ever be able to switch off. However, for a while now we've been constantly arguing and neither of us are genuinely happy at all, I don't know whether it is just a blip or if this is what its gunna continue to be now. (We've had these blips numerous times over the years). But I feel trapped. I haven't been able to return to work due to childcare difficulties so I now share his car (sold mine), he's taken on my bills & he's taken out a loan for me.. I have zero income and I'm ashamed to admit it but I literally rely on him. I don't know what to do. If I stay I continue to be unhappy, but if I go I will be in major financial difficulty and it will be impossible for me to survive (for the first few months at least). And I'll be without a car which I rely on so much, and I won't be able to afford another one for a very long time by myself.

I honestly don't know what to do, my head is saying one thing and my heart is saying another. I don't want to leave to become 'happy' if I'm just going to fall into an endless pit of financial difficulty.
And for the record, no, he wouldn't help out financially if he left.

sashh Tue 13-Mar-18 04:59:04

You are a family so you don't have zero income, it is (should be) family income.

Have you talked to your dp?

I'm not surprised you feel trapped it sounds like you are doing all the childcare and not being appreciated for it.

What would dp do if you left? Just you, not your child(ren)? Would you be happier if you were working?

Sorry not being much help but didn't want you to not have any answers.

mixture Tue 13-Mar-18 05:27:13

You said "If I stay I continue to be unhappy" but isn't the problem more that you argue a lot and perhaps have financial difficulties? (Sold one car, took out loan, etc.) Why do you argue so much and is there any other way to address your (financial?) difficulties? Read up (or go to YouTube) on how to sort out financial difficulties and see what changes you two can make to reduce the stress that is now causing you to argue so much, those are my thoughts.

minmooch Tue 13-Mar-18 05:51:18

Many women have been where you are now - looking after children with no independent money.
You have two options: stay and find ways to make the relationship work; or leave.

If you decide to stay then I suggest you go to couplescounselling where you can work on ironing out these cyclical blips.

If you decide to stay then I would try and find some work so you are not totally reliant on him..all of us with kids have childcare problems - you just have to find a way of sorting it.

How old are your kids?

I presume the children are his? Are you married? Did you bring any money/assets to the relationship when you got together?

If you want to split then get yourself to a solicitor with all the information you can get ie current financial situation for you both, savings, pensions, mortgage details etc. A good solicitor will be able to advise you on what you could expect on seperation.

Gonon to gov website and find out what benefits, tax credits, working tax credits you can apply for as a single parent.

If the children are his then he has an obligation to provide for them whether you are married or not in the event of a split. Look at the CSA website and work out how much he would be expected to pay.

If you are married then in a relationship break up situation you are much more protected. Which is why if you have children with someone and give up work you should be married otherwiseyou are in a very vulnerable situation.

Arm yourself with as much information as possible then you can actually make informed decisions based on facts.

If you see a solicitor, go to Citizens Advice Buteau, check benefits situation, csa calculator you may find that in fact you'd be better off financially in your own.

Why is the loan out in your name? Why is it not in both names? Died you partner not give you access to joint money? If you are staying at home to bring up children then any money event is joint money.

compactloanfirm121 Tue 13-Mar-18 08:20:31

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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