Invite to have dinner with old friends- should I attend?(18 Posts)
Hi all, in a bit of a pickle at the moment and wanted some insight on this situation.
A bit of backstory: I moved to a new city about 10 years ago and made friends with a group of random and weird but funny and friendly people. The group of 8 were the kind of people who focussed on fun and frolics mostly and shied away from getting involved too emotionally. I was going through a tough time with my family at the time and needed a distraction and spending time with these people was the perfect antidote. However, there was a lot of emotional investment on my part into this friendship and I feel I was there for them when it mattered- breakups, marriages, some of their businesses going bust, holidays abroad, dinners out, when some of them had children, etc. However, only 1 of the 8 turned up to my wedding which really, really hurt. One couple tried using the fact that the wife was heavily pregnant and they were a maybe, another couple said they'd attend but were a no-show on the wedding day and the other 3 just didn't ever get in touch ever again. I was really, really upset- especially as I'd been loyal to them and had always been there for them. So for them to let me down on my wedding (which is another thread altogether) was a massive blow. About 6 months after my wedding, I was contacted by the previously pregnant couple to come over for a BBQ afternoon to theirs. I didn't want to go but thought it was one of those things I should get over. My husband was reluctant for us to go because he knew how much they'd upset me but I talked him into it by really highlighting the positives of the group. When we turned up, After the general greetings, Me and my husband were left to and more or less ignored. Towards the end, the group had made plans which didn't include us and we were made to feel like we should leave as we were holding them up- they'd not mentioned any plans afterwards at all. Again, I was left feeling like an idiot and deeply upset. I promised myself then that I'd distance myself emotionally from this group and would have more self-respect and wouldn't have much to do with them. Anyway, I got a random call from the previously pregnant couple about 2 years after this incident. The wife said she hadn't heard from me and wanted to know what was happening. It was a really lighthearted conversation so I told her life was good and that we were now parents to twins (joke) and keeping busy and asked what was new with them. After a brief update and promising to meet soon, we hung up and didn't speak again!
Her husband has contacted me today saying they're having a big get together next week where all the 'old gang' would be present and that he'd love for me and my husband to be there with the twins. I can laugh off the twins thing but I'm in two minds if I should go or not? We've a lot of shared history and had some seriously fun times in the past but they've also been brilliantly disappointing friends overall. Should I accept the fact that they're superficial people and go and feed off the Fun and games mentality? Or should I keep a distance?
Apologies for the length of this post but I didn't want to drip feed so thought I'd add in as much information as possible.
I wouldn’t. I don’t think you have a friendship on any level with these people anymore and it would probably be similar to previous events.
The thing is You can't just keep it to fun and frolics, it means so much more to you. They probably don't support each other, they just classify it for what it is, but thr reality is you need and want it to be more.
As such, I think uou should not go. You need to keep thr distance as you are not able to keep it to fun only.
I wouldn't if I was you. I understand it was great at the time, but they've been kind of shitty since. If they upset you that much, don't leave yourself open to it again.
@Bluntness100- I think your comment has just summarised it better than I could've ever done. I AM looking for something more in a friendship and sadly, have realised this group of people can't provide that. I just can't seem to forget the lovely memories I have and for that reason am remaining loyal to a lost cause.
@Gizlotsmum and @EsmeWeatherwax- the previously pregnant couple I've referred to call the shots and dictate the mood or the feel of the day depending on what they want. They can be childish and nasty if they don't get their own way. I've usually looked past this as they can be a lot of fun but they can ruin things massively as well. There's a very wealthy person in the group who these two look up to and almost worship to the extent that it's embarrassing but again, everyone looks past this and gets on with things. I'm the kind of person that will either ignore them when this is happening or call them out on it when it can't be ignored as it's so obvious. In the past, I feel I've been punished by the two of them and ostracised because they know I can see right through them. The confusing thing in my head is that I'm struggling to separate the fun we had vs the dynamics and politics of the group. You're right though- if I go, I'll feel like I'm playing along rather than being my true genuine self and then if they come out with any nastiness, I'll be crushed.
I wouldn't go Poodle. You sound lovely, I think you should move on. I think the other posters have put it well.
No, don't go it will be a repeat of the other event. You have moved in different directions and want and expect different things. Remember the good and fun times from a distance, they are in the past and further interaction with the group will only tarnish those memories.
They don’t sound like very nice people. You’re well rid. I hope you have much nicer, supportive friends now?
I can't think of one reason why I'd go.
I wouldn't bother making the effort to go out your way for them after the way they have been previously. Just let them go.
I wouldn't go, save your energy for people that matter
I don't understand the twin joke. Do you make a habit of telling pointless lies?
Until the twin thing I was going to say don't go, but say why. Reply to say thanks, but the previously highly valued friendship became irreparable when most from that friendship group didn't turn up at your wedding. That you've tried to get over it on a couple of occasions but been left with more hurt, so you won't be attending any more parties with them.
But now I'm just perplexed at the twin thing. Why would you lie? Perhaps they are saying 'let's give poodle one more chance, maybe she's for past her compulsive lying...' or similar.
Thank you to those who have been lovely and reassuring in your responses.
For those who can't get past the twin thing- maybe I didn't explain it very well or maybe you don't care and would rather attack me and make unfair judgements anyway. It was a 'joke' based on the kind of conversation we were having. My friend told me she hadn't seen me in ages and so much had happened in their lives, e.g. they'd won the lottery, travelled the world and were living it large hahaha. She asked me what was new and if we'd had a baby- I said something along the lines of 'forget one baby, we've had twins- following on from her cues of hyperbole. Cheap/crap joke but it was what it was.
Anyway, I have decided not to attend the dinner. I'm lucky to have a number of close reciprocal friendships where I can be myself. I'm tempted to go to the dinner to see if anything has changed and see if we can carry on from where we'd left off but I know it's not going to happen. The wealthy friend this couple looks up to I've been told now works abroad and he's coming back on Saturday when the dinner is. This get together is in his honour- my attendance would just be an extra way of honouring him/them. I've made my excuses and said I won't be attending due to prior commitments. I'm still getting messages saying they'd love to have me there and that I'm the missing piece of the jigsaw that would complete the evening.
Also, just to add: I wasn't aware of this friend (who was the only one who attended my wedding) having moved abroad, another person from the group getting married and another one having bought a house. These are the updates I've recently received. I think it's finally dawning on me that I was the friend that cared too much. Everyone else was/is happy to stay the way they are.
@Atticusss- I don't want to share my true feelings with them. They'd laugh them off and tell me I'm being silly- it happened in the past. I am going to have to refuse future invites until they get the message I think. I want to hold onto the good memories I have with them and don't want to be too blunt with these guys because I know they'd tear me to shreds for it.
Don't go OP,you're setting yourself up to be hurt again.
I think you have moved on in your life and are looking for a different,more sustainable type of friend group,not this fickle bunch.
Send a firm but polite no and don't look back.
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