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FIL is horrible but DP won’t cut him off!

(7 Posts)
Sixcatsandcounting Thu 08-Feb-18 18:49:19

DP and I have been together 2.5 years. We live together and have done since a month or so in and I have a great relationship with all of his family apart from his Dad.
His father is a piece of shit basically. He left DP’s Mum with 5 children after numerous affairs and never paid a penny for any of them. Fast forward 20 years and he’s not changed. He is an alcoholic with a serious attitude problem and will not take responsibility for his actions no matter what.
We went to a funeral in another country last week (DPs family member) and it cost a lot of money for us to get flights etc but we never complained and made it work.
DPs father also attended this funeral and the goings on around it and was drunk and awful the whole time, saying he spent X amount of money to get there etc when he has far more money than us and doesn’t spend it on anything but alcohol!

At the wake, after a lot of people had left, me and him had words about his lack of parenting skills and refusal to make amends because DP is desperate for them to have a relationship. He was pissed out of his head and causing trouble with everyone. It all came to a head and FIL told me “I don’t fucking like you” and spat in my face and screamed at me etc. A lot of other things got said but that was the worst he did. Nobody saw this as people had dissipated to give us space to talk.
He also insulted other family members (including daughter of person who died).

The next day he apologised to me and said he was out of line etc. I said OK just to keep the peace and not cause a scene in front of all the family. My partner seems desperate for the father he never had and won’t cut him off because he says he will regret it one day and if his dad died he would still be devastated etc that amends hadn’t been made. He can’t seem to see that it is his dad’s place to make amends and he is only going to be let down.

I feel like DP is choosing to have someone in his life who has been horrible to everyone he knows consistently, and it breaks my heart to see him holding out hope for somebody that will never change.

Me and DP had started TTC before the funeral and now I’m panicking because if we ever had a baby I do not want FIL anywhere near and I feel it will cause trouble.

WWYD?
(Please don’t say leave DP because it’s not an option - I love him and want a family with him I just do not want FIL involved)

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 08-Feb-18 18:58:34

But he's told you his dad WILL be involved. You will have to choose now (before you get pregnant) whether you can tolerate this man coming to your house, holding your baby, telling you that you're doing everything wrong, coming over at Christmas, on birthdays, spoiling every single event for you. You know it'll end in disaster. You know you'll leave your DP at some point. And when you do leave him (because your child will be more important than him or his dad by that point) then your partner will be taking your child/ren round to see his dad, offering them up to him in an effort to get his dad to be normal and act like a lovely grandad. He'll be doing that in vain - he knows it and you know it.

Are you prepared for a life like that?

There's more than one man you can love, you know.

Sixcatsandcounting Thu 08-Feb-18 19:02:23

He hasn’t said his dad will be involved - his older brother had a baby in August and his dad has visited a handful of times for a few minutes but has lost interest. He’s just said he isn’t willing to cut his dad off because he’s worried he would regret it if he died.

He also certainly wouldn’t be involved in every event (Christmas etc) as he has never been involved in any of that with his own children. I’ve made it quite clear to DP that I don’t want him anywhere near if we had a baby but he just gets upset and quiet. If he stopped drinking and made amends with DP I would be civil but I don’t think that’s going to come any time soon!

Hoppinggreen Sat 10-Feb-18 12:48:50

Tell him you respect his decision even if you don’t agree with it and he’s welcome to see his father when he wants.
However, you won’t be .
He’s not ready to cut contact yet and may never be but you can’t force it unfortunately

WashingMatilda Sun 11-Feb-18 02:52:16

Slightly off track perhaps, but do you really think a wake was a good opportunity to have it out with him?

He sounds vile and disgusting. Even if your DP won't completely cut him out, you need to.

lunar1 Sun 11-Feb-18 03:32:44

He's behaved this way and been an alcoholic for decades by the sound of it. This isn't going to change. What did you think confronting him at a wake about his drinking would achieve?

Did you immediately think he would put down the drink for good? You say it's not an option to leave your dp, and if the relationship has been this hard for this long your dp isn't going to cut him off now.

The man will inevitably be in your life and that of any future children. If this is what you are choosing, then get yourself more informed about alcoholism and addiction.

PastaOfMuppets Sun 11-Feb-18 03:37:54

It's your DP's choice to have a relationship with his DDad. It's your choice how you respond.

It's not your choice or place to dictate your DP's relationships or discipline DP's DDad about the choices he makes.

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