MIL & DD Childcare Worries(80 Posts)
Would really appreciate some advice!
Next week my DD is going to be going to my MIL once a week whilst I am at work. She currently goes to my Mom’s one day a week and was going to nursery twice a week.
Back story so as not to drip feed;
When she was born MIL was very, erm, let’s say over excited about her arrival and very obsessive over her, examples being - taking her off me whilst I was settling her, not agreeing to my breastfeeding as this was my way of isolating DD from her and her friends, wanting to have her on her own all the time and not being in same room as us with her so she could be alone with her….I could go on. It was agreed prior to the birth (despite my worries about it) that she would have her once a week when I went back to work, which of course we were very grateful to her for as its free childcare. However she then fell out with us as she became very jealous when we would see my parents and not her and FIL (her ex) and possessive of DD & telling me she never wanted to see me again and will not answer the phone when she has DD as she doesn’t need checking on (her not DD), also not being happy that we invited her ex husband (DH Dad) to lunch on Fathers Day (I shit you not) we had to make the difficult decision (in terms of it would cause more rift in the family) to send DD to nursery for the 2 days. This caused huge eruptions and her and sil didn’t speak to us for 4 months and accused us of not allowing them to see DD. Which of course is not the case.
Anyway, fast forward to now. She has made great efforts and been to see Doctors regarding her mental health (previous depression & anxiety) and has stopped drinking (which caused the majority of the outbursts) and things have been getting better. For harmonies sake myself and DH have agreed that she can have DD once a week from next week. She has been really excited and bought lots of bits and pieces ready for it.
We invited them over for dinner last night to just chat about it and discuss timings etc & DD routine and her likes and dislikes (food etc), how she likes to be settled – basic things that she wont know about her really as not had her alone for more than a few hours. And she went off on one again saying we worry too much, do we not think she knows what she is doing, she will do her own thing with her, do we not realise she has had children before, looked after her other grandchildren etc., etc. DH said of course we do and its not that we dont think she knows what she is doing with children, we just want to tell her about DD routine – I can’t see what’s wrong with that?
Again she repeated that she will not be answering calls or texts to us if we ring as she does not have her phone with her 24/7 (well yes she does, it is glued to her normally!) – This is what is worrying me! As she has form for being very controlling and has in the past taken other grandchildren abroad and turned her phone off so that my SIL & her DH could not get hold of her for 4 days.
I am feeling really nervous about it – all I want to do is call or text her on DD first day with her to see how she is getting on, same as I do with my Mom as I am generally interested and you know, care about my child?! Am I wrong in wanting to do that? I would not be worrying if it was anyone else, which is why I feel bad, but she has form for being awkward, possessive, and controlling. DH fully supports and agrees with me and has said one chance & if she breaks our trust then DD will not go again. I have visions of turning up to collect her & her not being there and not being able to get hold of her?! She will do it for spite and to then turn round and say what’s your problem. AgghhhH!
The fact she has taken GC abroad before without parents consent means I would never leave my child alone with her. She is a loose canon.
I would book dd into nursery an extra day.Can you seriously imagine spending your days at work not going out of your mind?? You aren't obliged to let her parent your dd you know!! Buy her a doll if she wants to play mummies!!
Well sod that for a game of soldiers!
She’s told you that she will deliberately not answer your calls as a form of control.
It really is all about her isn’t it?
I would NOT be dropping your dd to her until your Mil has had a personality transplant.
No way would I allow her to do childcare.
For harmonies sake myself and DH have agreed that she can have DD once a week from next week
This is a silly reason to trust someone with your kid. If you can't trust her, put DD in nursery one extra day.
I'm anxious just reading that
Get that nursery day booked it will be a huge relief to you.
It's not going to work.
Get your DH to speak with her. He should tell her that as a parent, you want to feel comfortable with your DD's care provider. As she refuses to answer the phone and will not abide by your parenting choices, you have both decided to place dd into nursery and won't be needing MIL for childcare.
She's still welcome to spend time with you and dd, You hope they can build a lovely relationship, but it will be on your terms.
I don’t think I’d even give her the one chance tbh!
I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving dc with someone who is saying they won’t answer the phone or even reply to a text, especially as she’s went abroad with GC before?!
If you don’t need her as childcare then I wouldn’t send your DD to her
I would also make sure this is delivered by your DH.
Why on earth would you do this?
It's your job to protect your child, not to play peacekeeper for your husbands family.
Fuck that. Nursery!!
How on earth did she get GC passports and get them through passport control?
I read it that mil took other gc away with permission but once there she refused to answer the phone.
I would give her one chance and one chance only op.
No way! I say this as a grandparent who looked after my GS when DD returned to work. Both parents rang me at some point to see how he was doing, as is only right and proper as he was their baby and they cared for him.
I don't think I could leave someone that unpredictable to look after my child.
Sounds like she is trying to control you. Everything you've put about her is ringing alarm bells.
I'd agree with PP's and add an extra nursery day. Have DH tell her why.
I would not leave her with your MiL. You would not accept that attitude from a Childminder or a friend. I look after my GCs, I send texts or photos during the day. I follow their requests to the letter. Your Mil has a very strange idea of loving, if she thinks your DD will be happy to have her routine totally disrupted.
Wow, get DH to tell her she has had her time at being a Mummy and now it's your turn. She is GP and does what you and DH ask her to do while looking after DD (with regards to routine, naps, communication etc) if she doesn't like it then you pay someone (nursery) who will.
As a non-mum mumsnetter... that gives me chills and makes me anxious for you. For the sake of your mental health, your job, your relationship with your daughter and your husband do not even start this.
If everything you say is true you are opening yourself up to a world of pain on this. Speak to work, either delay going back a bit if you can to find the extra nursery day or see if you can change your current agreement with the existing nursery.
If your MIL decides to never speak to you again over it I honestly don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Thanks for all your replies!
Sorry I have prob worded it wrong with the 'taken' grandchildren away - she had arranged it and had permission off SIL. Apologies.
I feel better readign yoru answers and it re affirms to me that I am not overreacting which is what I have been made to feel like!
So IF I let her - still not 100% - and she messes up on her 1st day with DD I wouldnt be wrong to stop her going agian would I?
I need to woman up I know! She so loveley with DD now when she is with us, its just I want to know she can be trusted when alone!
Exactly op! You wouldn't be unreasonable at all.
She is your daughter. End of story.
Hope it all works out
I'm anxious reading that as well. Surely she can see she is doing herself no favours here? I did the whole lists thing with both my mother and DH mother and whilst I'm sure it probably did grate on them slightly they both just sucked it up and to be fair I was probably a lot more relaxed with DC2.
Agree with gazeldas post - hope it works out for you OP
Exactly - my Mum does this withour prompting and it has helped me settle back into work so much easier as I just dont have to THINK or WORRY about her as I know she is fine, my Mum even writes me a little diary of her day with her so I can see what she has been doing, and always calls to ask if its OK to give her something new!
She has been going to nursery twice a week for a while now (Sorry if not clear in my OP) and we have cancelled one day a week to send her to MIL., however nursery are aware of my concerns and they are happy for that to be reinstated.
DH totally backs me up ont his and is going to reiterate again to his Mum that we need to be able to get in touch with her.
She's told you she won't answer her phone. Imagine, right now, how you'll feel when you're at work and you can't get a hold of her to check how DD's doing. She has told you that this will happen and yet you are still contemplating allowing her to watch her?
Ffs! 😲 I got stressed just reading that. OP, no way on this earth would I leave my child with her. My clients can text me at any time and yesterday I had a new client contact me FIVE times because they were anxious and I completely understood. I do tell clients not to panic if I don’t answer straight away, as I might be busy, but always get back to them within the hour. I actually think it’s really sweet that they worry so much about their DOGS! Yup, I’m a dog sitter and if I can understand an owner being stressed about a dog how the hell can that woman not understand about a mother being stressed about her CHILD! No way would I let this woman be in a room alone with my child never mind look after my daughter.
Sometimes you have to give people a chance, if she stuffs it up that's her problem. After 2 years my daughter still sends me a text asking how the day is going, and it's not because she doesn't trust. I love to send her photos of what we have been doing.
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