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Thoughts on partner watching porn?

(19 Posts)
early20s Sat 13-Jan-18 12:09:41

Jus stoke background info, Engaged to the love of my life, been together nearly a year and live together.

So yesterday I found out my partner had been watching porn whilst I was at work and I feel SO betrayed, lied too and not good enough.

During mid 2017, which was the worst possible year to date in my life. I had suffered two miscarriages, resulting in me loosing my sex drive. Me and my partner still have sex - once a week maybe two if he's lucky? But not like we used to be middle of last year maybe 2-3 times a day. I don't know what's wrong with me, I still find him sexually attractive I'm just not at all bothered about the sex and it's starting to have a major affect on our relationship

He already knew my thoughts and feelings on the matter of him masturbating to porn as it came up on convo a few weeks back. I made it to clear to him I wouldn't be happy and that it would make me feel like I'm not good enough, and genuinely hurt me that he would be looking at other women outside of our relationship.

However he went to show me something on safari on his phone yesterday and he forgot to close the porn window and tried hiding it from me. After arguing with me telling me it was nothing he had told me he had been watching porn when I was at work.

I've been in absolute tears, I feel cheated on! Am I not good enough?? Why is he having to look at other women? He's blaming it on the whole situation due to me not giving him sex as often. I've got very little self confidence due to what the two pregnancies have done physically at my body and now this has knocked it down even more!

He's told me that it's not cheating, every man will always do it even when he's found the love of their life? I'm over reacting and blowing it out of proportion?

I'm my opinion he's in the wrong when he's meant to want to have that intimacy with me, he knew he was in the wrong as he knows I don't like it hence why he tried hiding it! If I hadn't of found it I would never have known about it and he would continue to lie!

I literally feel like he's cheated on me
When I asked if he would like it if I touched myself over another man he couldn't answer me!

How would you react if this happened with you? Am I over reacting?

I'm an actual mess right now sorry for the long post I needed a serious rant and someone to talk with in non judgemental situations !

Branleuse Sat 13-Jan-18 12:13:22

i think individuals attitudes towards porn are such a personal and individual thing and there are many valid reasons for being against it.

Its not something that bothers me in my relationship, even though im sure that my partner does indulge sometimes, but it doesnt appear to affect our sex life or life, so I feel like its his business, not mine.

Lots of people are not ok with it though, and if its a red line for you, then youre within your rights to be upset ad take whatever action you need to

lunar1 Sat 13-Jan-18 12:46:52

Is this a deal breaker for you? That's what you have to decide. Because he's not cheating on you and it's up to him what he does when he's alone. You need to decide if this is important enough to split up over.

Poshindevon Sat 13-Jan-18 12:55:42

Your DP has not cheated on you. Why are you comparing yourself to women on porn sites? That is not real life.
Your libido has diminshed because of your miscarrige and your self esteem is low so get some help and advice.
To cry an carry on because your DP watched porn is not going to make things better if anything it may damage your relationship.
I know people have different attitudes to porn so if you have the type of mindset that watching porn is a betrayal then maybe your with the wrong man

bummymummy77 Sat 13-Jan-18 13:10:08

This would be a deal breaker for me op. I'd feel as you do. thanks

idontknowhowtofeelaboutthis Sat 13-Jan-18 13:25:45

I feel the same way as you.

Porn makes me feel like I'm not good enough and that I'm not enough. I'm insecure more than usual because I'm pregnant and feeling like a whale.

I also class it as a kind of cheating because they're choosing to look at someone else doing that kind of stuff. And possibly looking for some specific act?
It's not like they've accidentally stumbled upon it - they are actively looking. Then using another person to get themselves off.

It's not a deal breaker for me, but i would go mental to show just how seriously I feel about it. If it kept happening, then I would consider leaving.
If DH did it and carried on, even after knowing.. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who didn't respect me enough to stay off porn.

Fairenuff Sat 13-Jan-18 13:30:19

If he feels the need to masturbate, why does he need porn? confused

BuzzKillington Sat 13-Jan-18 13:36:46

I wouldn't view it as being unfaithful, because it isn't.

But there is no way I would even consider a relationship with the type of man that watches porn - I'd never not be able to see as him tragic and unintelligent.

Purplerain101 Sat 13-Jan-18 13:41:03

I’m sure my OH occasionally looks and I don’t really care as we have an active and happy sex life. I wouldn’t necessarily like to see the specific videos he looks at though as I’m quite an insecure person and would over analyse.
If it’s a deal breaker for you then you are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do. Everyone reacts differently to these sorts of things and if it’s something that upsets you so much then he should have respected that.
I would say that it’s probably fairly difficult to find a man who never, ever has a peek at porn. I’m sure there are men out there who don’t, but the majority definitely will regardless of what they say

Bellamuerte Sat 13-Jan-18 13:44:33

It wouldn't bother me personally. I see little difference between him watching porn and me reading Mills & Boon or watching 50 Shades of Grey. And I watch romantic movies - does that mean DH isn't romantic enough for me? Sometimes I look at handsome men in the street too (not ashamed to admit that I looked out of the window when my neighbour hired a muscular gardener and he took his top off!)

As long as people are faithful then I don't see a problem with looking or fantasising. Surely we all fantasise when we masturbate?

Ecclesiastes Sat 13-Jan-18 13:51:01

Only wankers watch porn.

Words to live by.

RefuseTheLies Sat 13-Jan-18 13:51:47

How would you react if this happened with you? Am I over reacting?

Doesn’t bother me one way or the other if my husband watches porn.

But, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks or does in their relationships - what matters is how you feel, what your boundaries are and what you are or are not prepared to accept in your relationship.

Ecclesiastes Sat 13-Jan-18 13:52:48

I see little difference between him watching porn and me reading Mills & Boon

God, yes, those trafficked women are just so two dimensional, aren't they?

shhhfastasleep Sat 13-Jan-18 15:11:49

A partner goes down in my estimation if they watch porn. But that's just me. Others think it's ok.

Intelinside Sat 13-Jan-18 15:15:41

Me and my husband watxh open, separately and together. I think you're being unreasonable comparing it to cheating tbh.

nousername123 Sat 13-Jan-18 15:16:14

I don't mind my partner watching porn.
If your sex life isn't as active as it once was because your libido has gone down, but his hasn't, then he's bound to masturbate. You can't expect his libido to go down just coz yours has. It doesn't work like that. At least he's only watching porn and not looking elsewhere for sex.
It's not cheating but if you really don't like it then you need to give him an ultimatum x

Sixcatsandcounting Thu 18-Jan-18 00:11:12

It depends on whether it’s a dealbreaker for you. I’m not judging at all but it seems to me your relationship has moved very fast - you’ve not even reached your first anniversary and you’re engaged. Maybe you dont know him as well as you thought? Would you have accepted his proposal if you knew about his porn watching?

He has obviously always had a tendency to watch porn he’s just hidden it well - blaming you for him turning to internet porn is disgusting IMO. I would dump him for that alone.
If I found out my partner was watching porn I would be heartbroken and I really do think it would be a dealbreaker for me. I definitely understand what you mean by feeling you’ve been cheated on!

Also his excuse that “all men do it” is bullshit. Not all men do it. I think watching porn solitary and trying to hide it from your partner is dodgy! He’s obviously aware he’s doing something you won’t like or he wouldn’t be being secretive. If he’s lying now what else could he lie about in the future?
Sit down and have a talk about it - if he can’t understand how wrong he is for blaming you (when it is absolutely not your fault!!!) then cut your losses and find somebody that values you.
I hope everything works out for you flowers

Idontdowindows Fri 19-Jan-18 19:47:01

I would not be with a man who watches porn. A man who watches porn sees women as objects for his sexual gratification.

PrincessoftheSea Fri 19-Jan-18 19:50:46

It would not bother me unless it was violent porn or some crazy fetish. My DH has a right to a private life and if he wants to watch a bit of porn its none of my business.

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