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DS accused of abusing friend

(26 Posts)
Veryworried77 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:36:57

DS1, 9, is in year 5 and a few months ago struck up a friendship with a boy aged 8 in year 3 (lets call him A) over a mutual love of a certain sport. They had lots of play dates together and get on really well.

I came home this evening and DS1, 9, mentioned that A says that he is no longer allowed to play with DS1 as DS1 hangs out with another friend (lets call him B) who makes inappropriate comments about sex. DS1 told his dad a few weeks ago, maybe longer, than B was saying really weird stuff about putting his willy in someone's mouth and how odd it was. His dad and I were very worried and his dad (my ex) thought we should report to the school. I eventually decided not to as I (stupidly) wanted to give B the benefit on the doubt as he is new at the school and his English isn't good (he moved to the UK in the last year) but told DS1 not to play with B anymore.

When DS1 told me this tonight I quizzed him as to whether HE had also said anything inappropriate to A. He said he hadn't. I then said I was going to text A's mum to try to sort things out/find out what happened and DS1 was ok with that. So, I sent a text to the mum saying that I was aware that B says inappropriate things and that DS1 hangs around with him and didn't want DS1 to be seen in the same light and hoped they could be friends as they get on so well.

I get back a text from the mum saying that A had casually mentioned to her and the dad that B and DS1 had tried to touch A inappropriately and asked him to go to the toilet to have sex. I could barely believe what I was reading. She said she knew that they weren't serious but didn't want A exposed to that, very understandably. I am beyond horrified and have no idea how to deal with this. I asked DS1 if this was true and he got incredibly upset and said he hadn't done anything. He is adamant that he didn't do what A is accusing him of. I genuinely don't think DS1 would do something like that but maybe he went along with what B was doing. I feel awful not believing what my son says but at the same time I cannot ignore what this parent has told me.

Can anyone tell me what do to? I think I will have to speak to the school and report our concerns re B. There is clearly some issue/reason as to why he is saying things. I'm just worried that this whole situation has the potential to escalate when noone really know what happens. I don't know what to do.

pallisers Wed 06-Dec-17 23:40:53

you need to get right on to the school immediately.

B is probably being sexually abused. He is bringing that experience into school and your child is being affected. This is very serious for everyone. I can't believe A's mother hasn't triggered an investigation already. You definitely need to.

Veryworried77 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:44:21

Pallisers, what should I say/do? Just raise my concerns about B? Or include what A has said even though DS1 disputes it?

calzone Wed 06-Dec-17 23:46:37

I would tell the FSA worker at school and let her deal with it.

Tell her everything.

Veryworried77 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:47:45

Who is the FSA worker? Can I not just tell the teacher or the deputy head?

Veryworried77 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:50:40

I will report it but I am worried about giving details of A's allegations. What if that triggers an investigation into DS? At worst he could get excluded, at best there would be a lot of noise/stigma and it could be that he hasn't done anything.

Forflipssake2 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:52:41

Tell the head teacher exactly what you have said here they will know how to deal with this.

WickedLazy Wed 06-Dec-17 23:53:29

School and or/social services need to be contacted with regards to B, in case he has been exposed to something inappropriate, or has been abused. I don't see why A would make something like this up, but I could see why your ds would panic and say he knows nothing about it. I would tell them about the incident with your son, nothing untoward actually happened, but B could coerce your ds into something in the future.

I hope you get this sorted.

WickedLazy Wed 06-Dec-17 23:56:51

Actally on re-reading, "B and DS1 had tried to touch A inappropriately and asked him to go to the toilet to have sex".

I don't want to alarm you, but is there a chance there's already been inappropriate sexual behaviour between B and your ds? sad

Veryworried77 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:58:00

Obviously I'm biased but I find it really hard to believe DS1 would have inclination to do this. I have never him show any interest whatsoever in sex or say things about it.

I think the main thing is to get B away from DS and to get B the help he needs. He apparently has a much older brother (aged 20) so my ex was wondering if he had been exposed to porn.

Can I report to school but ask for DS1 and I to remain anonymous?

WickedLazy Wed 06-Dec-17 23:59:01

"I have never him show any interest whatsoever in sex or say things about it"

But B has.

WickedLazy Thu 07-Dec-17 00:00:06

*Probably told your ds things about sex, he wouldn't hear at home I mean.

Veryworried77 Thu 07-Dec-17 00:00:42

WickedLazy, that thought did cross my mind. I don't think so, mainly because there would have been limited opportunity - school, 1 playdate (my nanny was there the whole time and they weren't left alone as they were watching a film) and maybe one party, again supervised and not even sure if B was there. Can abuse happen at school? DS1 mentioned that he and B always get into trouble as they are late back from break.

WickedLazy Thu 07-Dec-17 00:04:16

Abuse can happen anywhere. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes. Them being back late from break is most likely innocent, but I would defo share your concerns with the school, they'll know what questions to ask (and how), and how to handle this generally.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 07-Dec-17 00:05:15

Have u asked why they are always late back?
I do find it odd that DPA had this told them by their child but they took no action. How long ago was it meant to be?

Veryworried77 Thu 07-Dec-17 00:10:49

Just want to make sure I protect DS.

Sleeping, I think it's just down to them dwardling back from the playground, nothing more. I will ask again.

It is a bit odd, and her text was very friendly. Not sure when this was supposed to have happened but in the last few weeks. Not sure I would have reacted in the same way but I'm thankful.

Can I really not believe DS1 when he says he didn't do anything? I need to ask him again with more time. He got upset as he knew immediately it was serious as he could see how upset I was.

RichardRichieRichard Thu 07-Dec-17 00:13:02

Sadly sexual abuse happens in school and is on the increase.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 07-Dec-17 00:25:14

Hard as it is you need to stay calm. He will lie to you if he thinks he will get in trouble whether he is the victim or the one doing it.

CustardDoughnutsRule Thu 07-Dec-17 00:32:40

Report to school asap. There should be confidentiality anyway - when there are issues between children the teachers are always scrupulously careful not to mention names and this is much more sensitive. It doesn't hurt to ask but, especially given the earlier comments B made, I think you owe it to B to tell school anyway.

Possibly talk to deputy head or HoY rather than class teacher, especially if they are not in the same class, but don't worry because whoever you talk to first will quickly direct you to the right person.

pallisers Thu 07-Dec-17 00:33:42

OP, I really don't want to add to your worry but my child was abused at school at a younger age than this by a pupil a year or so older (and I'm sure an abuse victim himself). Most of it happened in situations that were ostensibly "in full view" in the playground. My child never told us at the time. Nor did they tell a teacher. Nor did they reveal it to a therapist we later took them to because clearly something was up. It wasn't until the teen years that we discovered the truth.

If I had my time over again, this is something I wish I had been more aware of. I was like you - very clear that my kid was never alone with adults etc. It still happened and had a lasting effect on all our lives.

Stay calm. Go in and tell the school what has happened. Be clear that you are very concerned about your child - not just A.

ObscuredbyFog Thu 07-Dec-17 00:36:06

He got upset as he knew immediately it was serious as he could see how upset I was.

That's really not the way to handle things.

Stop asking him anything about it immediately, you could mess up any questioning by a professional, change the subject, see the safeguarding officer at his school, tell them everything you've been told, ask them to contact A's parents and leave it to them.

If you don't know who the safeguarding officer is, ask the school secretary and if she wants to know why you want an appointment, tell her it's confidential.

You won't be told what sanctions or action has been put into place for B, you won't be told anything about A either, but you will be told only about your own child.

CustardDoughnutsRule Thu 07-Dec-17 00:37:44

I've also been advised to resist quizzing the child as stories can change in the re-telling, so it's better to minimise the number of times they have to give their account before it's heard by someone who has more expertise. This is not to say he'd fabricate, it's just the way brains work. How this applies when it's your own child and they're upset, I'm not sure. But tell someone tomorrow.

calzone Thu 07-Dec-17 09:14:52

Family Support Advisor is FSA.......she’s literally there to support families and each school has one.

She will be fully trained in all of this but will have to tell the HT. Not everyone will find out details though.

I really hope you talk to someone today.

notapizzaeater Thu 07-Dec-17 09:27:55

You need to speak to the School ASAP, And tell them all about what friend A mum said.

Veryworried77 Thu 07-Dec-17 12:53:26

Obscured, I am of course going to ask DS for his version. I did it in as calm a manner as possible but of course it's an upsetting and very serious situation. Not sure even the best actor can conceal that!

Anyway, I spoke to the teacher this morning. I told her everything apart from the allegation about trying to touch, mainly because it was a 5 minute conversation with other kids close by so it wasn't possible to get into that level of detail. I did say that DS had said weeks ago that B was saying weird/inappropriate things to him but we didn't raise at the time and that A's mother had now said that A had said both B and DS were saying inappropriate things and that A wasn't allowed to play with them anymore. I said what B was saying went beyond what was normal for a 9 year old. The teacher didn't see overly alarmed and said she would talk to both DS and B. I then asked for another meeting tomorrow to follow-up.

Not sure how much detail to go into during the meeting tomorrow. Also, shoudl I tell B's parents? My instinct is to let the school handle it and notify them if they feel appropriate.

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