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I have found a family member, contact or not?

(10 Posts)
jimijack Mon 04-Dec-17 12:40:51

It's a nephew.
His parents divorced when he was 3, they live abroad.
Repeated attempted contact by his parent, my sibling over the years, refusal each time.
He is now an adult.
We, his family think about him all the time, have photographs of him up, are upset that he has not been part of our family.
I found him easily on fb.
Out of respect of his wishes, refusal to have contact with his parent, respect to my sibling I have not done anything.
But he is absolutely lovely and has grown into a gorgeous young man. Just looking at his picture makes me feel so proud. I want him to know how much we have missed him and what he means to us.
But we are strangers to him, I am sure that his mother has not painted a nice picture of the split and family, ane has her full influence in this matter
We are not 100% sure of the details of the split.
I'm airing on not contacting him tbh, it's just so lovely seeing him in pictures for now.

rollingonariver Mon 04-Dec-17 13:16:19

I don't think there's any harm in a nice fb message smile

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 04-Dec-17 13:20:10

Keep it fairly though, and decide on your next move/decision from there. Can you clarify though, have you refused to have contact with your sibling, or the sibling refused contact with you? Not asking why, just which way round it was.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 04-Dec-17 13:20:39

Fairly light . Doh.

Trampire Mon 04-Dec-17 13:21:50

I would send him a friendly message similar to what you've written here - how you all still think of him and have photos of him up as a child. Then leave it and don't hassle.

My dad was contacted out of the blue in his 30's from a full sister he didn't know he had. They busted each other a few times and had light contact. It was nice but they were never terribly close. I'm sure he was grateful he knew her.

Trampire Mon 04-Dec-17 13:22:25

Busted? Visited.

twilightcafe Mon 04-Dec-17 13:28:30

By all means, send him a nice note saying that your family have thought about him, have photographs etc.
Then leave it there. Respect his wishes - he is an adult and if he wants to get in contact, he can do so via Messenger.
I have recently been in touch with cousins on my estranged father's side. It was nice to see them, but ultimately I don't feel the need to pursue contact because I have my own family, and these people are strangers. I wouldn't be happy about being chased for contact.
You may understandably see it as light contact, but if he's ambivalent then he may see it as being harangued to get in touch.

PilarTernera Mon 04-Dec-17 13:29:52

I would probably make contact, but be prepared for a negative as well as a positive outcome.

My grandmother found out as an adult that she had a half-brother and made contact with him. She and her sister were in contact a few times, but eventually he asked them not to contact him any more, as it was upsetting to his mother. His loyalty was to his mother rather than these two strangers.

jimijack Mon 04-Dec-17 13:42:04

We are in contact with our sibling, it's my nephew who has refused contact with his father, many times over recent years.

Myself and other family members have enquired after our nephew several times with my sibling but he won't talk about his son. Not sure if it is too painful or what, so we have no information about him.

BrokenBattleDroid Mon 04-Dec-17 15:07:02

I would make it a nice light message as mentioned above.

Also, no questions in it or suggestions of further contact. That leaves it to him but without him needing to feel rude or that he ignored you if he doesn't want to respond. Maybe even say 'there's absolutely no pressure to respond, I just wanted you to know that you are thought of often and fondly.'

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