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Can a verbally/emotionally abusive husband change?

(28 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

GsbMaxi Sun 12-Nov-17 02:24:07

Hi all. I am new to this and posting for the very first time on any website at all. I hope you can bare with me as I have already started writing and have deleted 3 different ways to try and explain why I put up with my husband's verbal and emotional abuse.

I think I will try to keep it short. There are so many details over almost 12 years and the more I write the more the memories flood back. To put it simply - he calls me awful names. Stupid c*nt, f'n b*tch, ugly whore, he tells me I have a stupid face, that I am lazy and lack drive ( we have 3 kids 19mo, 3 and 5 and I have stayed at home with them until this year - I am now working at my family's local business and plan to run the shops when my parents retire.)

Things that may provoke him are if I do not agree with something, if one of the kids spills milk, if I make him the wrong breakfast, if the kids cry and I can't get them to stop, if I don't have the house immaculate or the paticular clothes he wants are clean.. if I miss some carboard on recycling day.... the list goes on.

I should also mention that he has used his phone to inappropriatly msg other women on several occasions, and the most recent one he actually met up with and cheated (he says it was just a kiss and he stopped it)... yet he continued to talk to her for almost a year before I found out. She was head over heals for him. He says he was looking for attention I wouldnt give him.

Anyways. He has days when he will apologize and be really good and nice for quite some time... but then it always goes downhill again. Just when I think he is making some changes. We are in a really rough spot right now. I decided to go to a lawyer because I just can't handle how nasty he is to me in front of the kids. At first he laughed at me when I told him. He didn't believe I went. Said I wouldn't do such a thing without someone holding my hand the entire way, like I didn't have the guts. Once it finally sunk in he got really nasty. Told me I was just a business transaction now and he'd never loved me a day in our lives anyways. Of course he took that back a little later, saying I pushed buttons.

He is like Jekyll and Hyde. One moment he is picking me up hugging and kissing and telling our kids how much he loves Mommy, and the next he is throwing a bowl across the room and screaming at me. He will tell me he loves me and then take it back. And then give it again.

The worst part is that every logical bone in my body knows how wrong this is. Why am I hurting so much? Why do I love someone who does this to me so much? He has no emotion and always says he doesn't care, that I am being dramatic and making issues out of nothing. And then of course will say he does care (when it suits him, I suppose..)

I am mourning for our good times, our kids, the adventures we've had.... there really has been a lot of awesome in between the awful. I've done everything I can to be good to him but he pretty well negates everything I do amd says he can hire a maid or do it himself.

I realize I am all over the place. I just need someone to tell me I'm not crazy and I am not over reacting. I am so sad. My heart hurts for my kids, for him, and for myself. I don't know whether to go through with separation or not. I want him to see his wrongdoings and own up to it so we can learn and move on as a family. But am I crazy to want that? Or should I be packing the kids up fast?? I just can't seem to make a decision.

Guess this isnt nearly as short as I'd hope. I'm sorry for the book everyone! Help sad

Gingernaut Sun 12-Nov-17 02:26:56

It's been 12 years.

No. He won't change. sad

AnxietyForever Sun 12-Nov-17 02:31:31

No, I don't think he will change either sad

newdaylight Sun 12-Nov-17 02:32:15

No, he won't change, you know this.

The children will pick it all up, learn that they have to tiptoe around him, and will not learn admit treating people in a healthy loving way.

Going back to the lawyer as arranging you're move is your best next step. You'll be able to give them, and yourself, a better life that way.

newdaylight Sun 12-Nov-17 02:32:43

About, not admit

FirsttimemumJan18 Sun 12-Nov-17 03:46:00

Hi

Well first of all I’m so sorry that he is making you feel this way. His behaviour is cruel and unacceptable despite your ‘good times’ over the years.
We all have our ups and downs in relationships but overall you should be with someone because they make you happy (Most of the time). Certainly not because they make you sad and worthless. It’s like he gets a kick out of be-littling you.
Even he joked that you can’t do anything on your own and this is s’posed to be your soul mate.
I know it’s hard to hear but you will never be happy with this man. My concern is his behaviour in front of your children. Kids aren’t stupid and know what’s going on. They want to see their mummy happy...not sad and upset and being treated like crap!

I think you’ve answered your own question. Get RID! Otherwise your life will never change and you will be miserable for a very long time and you and your children are worth much more than that!

You’re stronger than he realises...good luck and have some faith in yourself to want to deserve better. x

CakesRUs Sun 12-Nov-17 03:52:38

I bet your heart sinks when he turns on you. You know you need to end this, you deserve so much better. It is no good your kids growing up watching this abuse, they really do take it all in and learn from it.

RefuseTheLies Sun 12-Nov-17 03:54:44

You're not crazy and you're not overreacting flowers

Leave him and do it as quickly as you can.

Goddamitt Sun 12-Nov-17 04:13:02

He won't change. I spent 20 years with such a man. He cheated, put me down, when I said I knew he was cheating told me I had PND and it was making me imagine it. Swore on our children's lives he wasn't cheating. It took me a long time to leave. I finally did and I haven't looked back. Run, run as fast as you can.

GsbMaxi Sun 12-Nov-17 06:43:29

Hey all.

I feel overwhelmed at the support. Thank you. Following through with leaving has been the most terrible/heartbreaking decision so just hearing people tell me it's the right thing and i'm not making a mistake or there is no chance of it getting better helps so much.

My kids do deserve better and it makes me sick that their little ears hear such profanity. He has even tried to involve them in the arguing and just a few days ago told my 5yo boy to call me a 'fuc**ng cunt' to which DS answered no and stop yelling at Mommy. It's not the first time he has tried to stand up to his Dad for me and bless his heart I can't let it continue. Everything has gotten so much more horrible than usual in such a short period of time, I guess because OH finally realizes I am not going to put up with the BS anymore.

It is never ending. If I wear a black shirt i'm told I'm depressing. If I havent worked out ( OH and I are typically quite active) i'm disgusting and lazy. I'm slender and have a harder time keeping weight on being celiac and he will tell me i'm gross if I get too thin (stress) but if I gain any weight he tells me to be careful because my legs look chunky. (for reference gaining weight is being 5'3 at 115lbs). Everything I do gets. critisized. My makeup , clothes, hair, face, everything. He is the absolute master of being nasty and then smooth talking into taking it all back and "not to believe him when hes angry"

Frustrating angrysadconfused

newdaylight Mon 13-Nov-17 07:19:52

Hello OP.
It all sounds horrific. Have u you got friends and family nearby to support with leaving?

GsbMaxi Tue 14-Nov-17 00:21:50

I'm lucky enough that I do. My entire side of the family lives close by and I have oodles of support. Meanwhile he has no family close by and according to him, no friends or support either.

He is doing a good job of trying to make me feel incredibly guilty for this reason in starting the process of separation. Says he destroyed his life to get me closer to my family.. which is entirely untrue. hmm in ine sense I feel very sad for him but he has brought this on himself..

MistressDeeCee Wed 15-Nov-17 03:03:46

God...what an absolute pain in the arse of a man. He's so much to say. Does his nasty mouth ever stop blabbing? After a time you'll be relieved you got away from a motormouth, abusive, offensive bully.

& please don't be sorry for him. You're not his nurse, carer, mother or saviour. He is who he is, he is an adult who was surviving before you 2 got together. You can't change him. All you can do is live your best life without him.

When it's just you and your children, with no ominous verbal and emotional abuser in your life, you will eventually find your happiness, and blessed peace. The joysucker will be gone.

The alternative is his ugly words and behaviour all your life. Your childrens' life, until they're old enough to get as far away from the toxicity of it all as they can. & I'm sure you wouldn't want that life..

Intercom Wed 15-Nov-17 08:54:33

You’re doing the right thing.

DarkPeakScouter Wed 15-Nov-17 08:57:31

Leave him, he won’t change

Bibbidee Wed 15-Nov-17 09:05:21

Narcissist springs to mind.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Nov-17 09:09:38

Your husband is abusive

Please get yourself and your kids away from him

Fishface77 Wed 15-Nov-17 09:13:05

I've reported your post as you've mentioned your sons name op.
Your DH is a shit. Leave him. Save yourself and your kids.

cestlavielife Wed 15-Nov-17 09:15:01

You need to divorce.
Read Lundy Bancroft book why does he do that
Speak to lawyer

cestlavielife Wed 15-Nov-17 09:19:56

Your five year old is standing up to him. think about it. That is the lightbulb moment.
You need to get these dc away.

LornaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 15-Nov-17 12:42:13

Hello OP,

We've just edited the RL name out of your recent post - we do hope that's okay.

If you have any concerns, please don't hesitate to get in touch.

Goldmandra Wed 15-Nov-17 16:55:05

He has demonstrated clearly how he will treat you for the rest of your life if you stay together. He abuses you, then tries to persuade you that it is all OK because he is sorry of because he is telling you to ignore what he said and did previously.

Not only does he want to remain free to abuse you, he wants your children to abuse you too. They are being trained to be abusers in their adult relationships. By staying, you are enabling that.

Your children need a calm, stable, loving and respectful home to grow up in. If you separate, he will no doubt still have contact with them but it will be for shorter periods and the home they return to will teach them how relationships should work.

The good times do not justify the bad and the good times will diminish to nothing as time goes on anyway. You need to think of your relationship as it really is, not as you would like it to be.

Look at all the things he finds to criticise about you. You will never get anything right in his eyes because, like all other bullies, he doesn't need anything real to pick on; he can just chose something and turn it into a problem to beat you round the head with.

Please, please walk away from him, with your children, and let your family support you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are not responsible for making the consequences of his own actions more palatable to him. He has abused you for years and doesn't deserve the opportunity to continue.

You deserve better than this, however good the good times have been flowers

GsbMaxi Wed 15-Nov-17 23:37:39

Oh my goodness I am so sorry about the name thing - thank you to Fish for reporting it and Lorna for changing it. As I mentioned, first ever post/thread from me and I had a feeling I would mess up 😏

You are all so right. I am understanding that so much more over the last couple of weeks than in the last 8 years, really. It all started about 6 months after we were married and has just gotten progressively worse. He can go through a period of even a few months behaving well, and then get severely verbally abusive again. Sometimes the good periods only last a week or two. It all changes.

He has currently taken off and told me he isn't coming back for some time. I do know he is working the next couple of days but I have no idea where he will stay during his off days (shift worker). He really doesn't have any close friends to talk to. They are all more superficial, he doesn't let anyone into his personal life. Except me of course. Because I am his personal life..

I have an appt with a new lawyer tomorow. The first one didn't think she had the experience to properly handle his volitility. Go figure.

And yes, he absolutely has many narcissistic traits, although he hasn't been diagnosed

Lightmyway Wed 15-Nov-17 23:40:50

You know what you need to do, you absolutely know from the words you used in your post.

My heart goes out to you. As the saying goes, lose some "weight" from your life...

GsbMaxi Wed 15-Nov-17 23:43:37

Cestlavie you are actually spot on with the whole bringing my child into it bit - the day he asked ds to tell me i'm a fucking cunt was the moment it all changed for me. It went from me being able to think I could deal with his flaws for the most part, to a huge game changer. To hurt our children in order to hurt me? It makes me sick. I honestly didn't think he had that in him. He is usually a very playful, hands on good-with-kids Dad.
But all of a sudden he is using ds at every argument. I think because I am not reacting to the usual anymore, so he had to turn it up.

Sorry for the continuous long posts everyone. I am so thankful for everybody's feedback.

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