In laws think I'm evil(9 Posts)
I need to have a rant. An in law rant, the best kind!
Basically husband fell out with his parents back in June 2016 over his brother coming out of prison and us not wanting him around our son. It all went very bad and they didn’t see our eldest or youngest born in July 2016 for 3 months. I told him to make up. I didn’t have grandparents and as much as I had my issues with them I didn’t want to deprive my kids.
Problem was the issues never really got discussed and then I had the audacity to ask them to come to us at a specific time on Xmas day, to them that’s a massive insult to me it was called being logical fitting in other grandparents and dinner times. Things went downhill slowly after that until June this year where it came to a head again. Husband and FIL nearly ended up coming to blows. A lot of childhood issues for him came out. They accused me and my family of making his decisions for him and trying to pull him away from his family. Then they blocked our numbers and ended all contact. My parents had always pushed us to reconcile until they dragged them into it and now its sour for everyone.
Then in sept husband got very drunk and sent an email to his dad explaining (quite well for someone so drunk) all his issues and how he wanted them to be a part of our lives but not sure how. His father was relieved to hear from him. After a couple of email exchanges my FIL asked for him and my hubby to meet. It took a month of deciding but I pushed him to go. I said he should hear him out and have to try.
So he went tonight. Sounds all positive at first they want to compromise they understand some of our problems, they want to make it work. Then he says how I have been the driving force in finding a way for him to make it work and his FIL apparently said he finds that hard to believe. He still sees me as the poisonous witch. So here I am thinking yes we can make this work we can find a way but how on earth will I ever do that if the whole time they are thinking that I’m evil. Am I meant to suck up to them just to convince them that I’m not a bad person. Should I even have to? It feels like it’s never going to be genuine with them. And I have this fear in the pit of my stomach that one day my son will have an argument with me as all teens will. And he will go to theirs and all the resentment and poison will spill out and they will fill his head with nonsense of how I tried to tear them apart. When I didn’t. She has issues with her own MIL and I’ve heard the way she talks about her. My in laws have custody of their granddaughter and when she’s naughty I’ve heard her say this is when she’s just like her mother! I am not going to let them say those things to my kids.
So what do I do. Can I ever convince them I’m not that person (I can’t handle confrontation)? Do I say we just walk away as he will if I ask him to but I don’t want to be the wife that does that. But I also didn’t marry a man to be made to feel like an outsider every time I go to his parents.
I can move past all my issues with them but this one. I can’t build a bridge with someone who has no interest in seeing the real me.
Tell your dh you are glad he has the opportunity to build bridges but unfortunately neither you or dc will be partaking in a relationship with them. Your dc should not be open to hear insults about their dm and your dh needs to speak up for you in your absence.
I know you don't want to deprive your DC of grandparents, but these are not good people. Why would you want to expose your DC to people who are so vile?
I your DH wants a relationship with them, he can go on his own. Your DC don't need to hear these people slating you.
I would stay out of this drama. If your dh wants to see them he should just get on with it. Personally I would keep yourself and any children out of it. Tell your dh that when he does visit them he's not to repeat their nonsense.
I have been the child in this situation. Don’t bother. They weren’t nice to us either.
Get yourself a copy of Toxic Inlaws and have a read. You'll never win with people like this. They don't want to see who you really are or give you a chance and the hurt, resentment and drama will no doubt continue.
If your DH wants to pursue a relationship with them, that's fine. But don't let him spread the nasty by telling you horrible things they've said about you and don't let you innocent DC anywhere near them. They were bad parents to your poor DH and they're not going to be good grandparents to your DC. You can already see them in action with poor granddaughter. God, poor child, that's appalling and heartbreaking.
There's a lot of pressure to just try to get on and "be nice" but take it from me that you can't do it alone. Protect yourself and your babies from letting the cycle of unpleasantness and disfunction continue. It's okay to look after yourself and not put yourself in situations where you're exposed to insults and criticism.
As others have said, explain to your DH he is more than welcome to maintain a relationship with his family. That's his right and his prerogative. However, based on their continuous ill feelings towards you, and accusations of you apparently meddling & stirring, you feel its best for you and DC to go NC with the in-laws. You don't wish for your DC to be part of this kind of toxic negativity.
From their pov your DH probably did as he was told until you came along. When he finally stopped dancing to their tune, they blamed you as they needed to blame something for the change.
Happens a lot. In our case it was DH knowing what being a parent could be and having someone believe in him. Obviously that was all my fault and I was accused of many, many things.
You shouldn't have pushed DH towards them time and time again. They aren't a going to suddenly change and you cannot change their mindset. There's no point trying to make a lovely grandparent relationship here. It's fantasy.
Your intentions are honourable but, honestly, you are bringing too much of your own baggage into this.
You didn't have GP. This doesn't mean your DC can have good GP if your ILs weren't good parents to your DH.
You need to stop 'pushing' him to reconcile and instead be completely supportive of whatever action he wishes to take and to help him work through this.
You are taking this too personally. As they cannot possibly be at fault and they don't wish to blame your DH it MUST be you. The fact that they are prepared to throw you under the bus like this is very toxic.
Finally you need to step out of the drama. You will never 'make them like you'. They will never change. Don't see them anymore.
If your DH wants your DC to see them insist on certain boundaries, eg, he is always present, he does not allow them to bad mouth you.
Bad GP can do a great deal of damage so stop fighting to preserve this already fractured relationship.
And read up on toxic/dysfunctional families. It will help you and it will help you help DH 💐.
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