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NC parent going to Dignitas

(50 Posts)
Caulk Fri 03-Nov-17 18:14:51

I’ve been no contact with both parents for about 3 years.

I’ve just had an email from my dad saying that my mum is going to dignitas at the end of the year and to consider seeing them before then. She has a degenerative medical condition.

They weren’t great parents but I’ve never known them to lie and I know it’s something she had talked about before.

How do I even work out what to do? I’m have a therapist and I’ve emailed her but hadn’t heard back yet. I don’t think I want to see them, but I don’t want to not do it and regret it.

What would you do?

bastardkitty Fri 03-Nov-17 18:18:04

At the moment you don't think you want to see them. So for now you ignore. If your feelings change then you can reconsider. She is going by the end of the year - so next month then?

Caulk Fri 03-Nov-17 18:20:56

Yeah I guess so. My dad emailed a while ago saying he is coming to my city in November and can we meet, which I ignored, so I guess end of November/December time.

GoingCrazy21 Fri 03-Nov-17 18:24:29

I personally would see her, as you’ll never get the chance again. The thought of death and the reality of it are often very different.

However this is in no way me saying that you should. You have to consider what it would mean - and it also depends on the reasons you are NC with them.

Definitely talk it through with your therapist. Good luck - it is a huge decision.

bastardkitty Fri 03-Nov-17 18:25:58

Do you have any regrets about your decision? I am no contact, just slighter shorter time than you, and I don't intend to change that whatever comes to light. I would just sit with it for a bit.

NukaColaGirl Fri 03-Nov-17 18:27:45

I’d cheerily wave off my NC parent to Dignitas. And then I’d feel robbed that she gets a nice death instead of the slow horrible one she deserves.

But that’s just me.

Caulk Fri 03-Nov-17 18:27:55

No regrets, but I’ve always thought of it as a day by day thing, that somewhen it would change I suppose.

I very much doubt my dad would continue to live without my mum but I cannot be sure about that.

BrandNewHouse Fri 03-Nov-17 20:21:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anecdoche Fri 03-Nov-17 20:25:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caulk Fri 03-Nov-17 20:32:13

He emailed a few weeks ago to suggest meeting as he is visiting my city. No mention of Mum but I imagine they will have been discussing it for while.

I could probably see her without him if I went there, but I’m not sure. I can’t imagine ever seeing either of them again, but until now there has always been the opportunity to do so if I wanted to.

kuniloofdooksa Sat 04-Nov-17 04:01:29

It depends very much on why you are NC. There are a lot of NC situations where it would be a bad idea to even consider this but every situation is different.

Can you be sure that she is definitely actually going to dignitas or could this be posturing for attention?

Caulk Sat 04-Nov-17 06:13:01

I don’t know how to find out. I guess the obvious is to speak to other family members but I’m apprehensive that she won’t have told them. I don’t have contact with anyone in the family currently. I guess that’s the best idea though.

NC due to a history of gaslighting and sexual abuse. I pressed charges against him, he went to prison and the rest of the family sided with him. I went to visit Mum, he had been released and was there too as a surprise to see me. (One example of many).

hesterton Sat 04-Nov-17 06:18:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bastardkitty Sat 04-Nov-17 06:19:36

Sending you these flowers. Just listen to yourself and follow your own wisdom. YOU are the important person here. I'm so sorry they treated you like that x

Caulk Sat 04-Nov-17 06:30:00

Thanks. My therapist text me back last night saying to not make any decision yet, look after myself and we’d talk about it this week. I just want someone to say “this is what you need to do” and then I’d do it!

bastardkitty Sat 04-Nov-17 06:34:27

I really understand that need.

Caulk Sat 04-Nov-17 06:36:41

It’s just shit, isn’t it! I want fake parents to guide me in how I manage the real parents!!

abbsisspartacus Sat 04-Nov-17 06:39:41

Speak to your therapist is there any one thing you want to say to her?

Caulk Sat 04-Nov-17 06:41:13

I don’t know, I’ll think about it.

HollowCity Sat 04-Nov-17 06:47:16

Jeez OP, what a situation. I can't imagine what I'd do. My rational brain says to go so you have no regrets and like a PP or you said "to do the right thing". But the reasons for the NC is obviously very serious and will cause you pain and upset. Do you have siblings or cousins or a close friend you could go with / discuss this with?

bastardkitty Sat 04-Nov-17 06:51:08

The need for a proper parent when you have not had that is very powerful. Someone to tell you what to do or that your plan is a good one.

Caulk Sat 04-Nov-17 06:51:47

Two step/half brothers from the dads first marriage, they grew up in care.

Cousins are all on his side of the family, so although I could check with them I’m hesitant too as they are all the part who would naturally side with him.

About to drive for two hours, will reply on my return!

bastardkitty Sat 04-Nov-17 06:53:50

Drive safely. You don't have to agonize about this.

AJPTaylor Sat 04-Nov-17 06:59:27

how would you feel if you got a message to say one of them had died? if you could cope with the fact you didnt get a chance to say/hear whatever then maybe just decline. She may want to apologise/beg forgiveness but it may not be that and be highly detrimental to you.

zen1 Sat 04-Nov-17 07:04:39

Having read your reasons for going NC, I definitely would not agree to meet up with your dad. If you do decide to see your mum, do you have someone (friend / partner) who would go with you? You would have nothing to feel guilty about if you did decide not to see them again flowers

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