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How can I forgive my husband for cheating

(35 Posts)
Wifeymumy Thu 02-Nov-17 20:12:29

This is my first post on here and I’m literally at my wits end.
My hubby and I have two beautiful boys, we have been together for 11 years. Our eldest is nearly 5 and our youngest just 8 months.
We’ve recently being going through a tough patch in our marriage, my husband has commented a few times that I give him no attention, which isn’t too far from the truth but it’s also a very selfish statement coming from him. He used to get in from work at about 6.20, he’d sit and look at his phone, clean the car, anything to avoid helping with the children. Then once both the boys were in bed he’d sit in the bath for an hour every night playing on his phone. He neglected us, I’ve mentioned it to him many times and he always uses the same excuse ‘I’ve had a hard day at work and want to unwind when I get in’
So when he tackles me about having no time for him I get annoyed because it’s in fact him who has no time for us.
Recently he’s been getting home half an hour late. Literally just making it home in time before they get into bed. He then spends an hour in the bath. Eats his tea and falls asleep. I asked him why he’s late, he says it’s traffic or got out of work late. He moans that our eldest child never wants anything to do with him, I tell him straight it’s because you’re never here.
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I found out he’d had a little fling with a woman he works with. I asked him why and he says she shown him the attention that I didn’t. This devastated me because if he’d been available to us I would’ve had time for him. He left everything to me to do, the children housework means etc and then used it against me to sleep with someone else. I threw him out, he came crawling back, saying he’s realised that the problem was him, not me and that he feels stupid and embarrassed, it was the biggest mistake of his life and he loves me and so on.....
He had ended his sordid little affair before I found out about it because he came to his senses, but as luck had it I found out.
I have 2 children with him and want my family to be together and happy. Since he’s been back (a week) he’s been 100% perfect dad, and trying really hard with me, apologising, promising he’ll never do this again, but my problem is he’s hurt me so deeply I feel numb towards him. I hate being in the same room. He’s litter turned my life upside down. I used to look forward to talking to him at night and telling him what I’d done that day and text him telling him what I was making for tea. But it’s all ruined. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and husband and the life I knew has literally just vanished.
Has anyone been through this and got through it and stayed together?

TotallyWingingIt Thu 02-Nov-17 20:27:33

I didn’t want to read and run.
I really don’t have any real words of wisdom but could you explain to him how you feel or have some couples counselling?
I hope everything works out for you OP flowers

Anatidae Thu 02-Nov-17 20:32:25

found out he’d had a little fling with a woman he works with. I asked him why and he says she shown him the attention that I didn’t.

No. He’s blaming you for his affair. He didn’t have an affair because of your actions. He had an affair because he wanted to. He then turns the blame around into you - but it’s not you who is the issue. It’s him.

And yes, when they realise they’ve fucked up they do the perfect dad thing. How long will that last I wonder? Long enough to get back to normality I’d say. Then when he knows he can do it and not face any consequences he will do it again.

How you deal with this is up to you. Again you are shouldering all the effort of getting things back to normal and fixing things.

I would be putting things on hold and having a very serious think. You don’t have to forgive.

Wifeymumy Thu 02-Nov-17 20:33:41

I’ve told him exactly how I feel. He just looks pathetic and deflated and says he doesn’t know what else to say. He then just tries to carry on as normal, but nothing feels normal anymore. Might go for the counselling thing but im worried that nothing they can say, or that he can say or anything he can do will undo the damage he’s caused. Xx

AnaWinter Thu 02-Nov-17 20:34:12

How dare he? He checked out of family life and blamed you for his affair. If you forgive him he will do it again.

Wifeymumy Thu 02-Nov-17 20:38:57

I know he’s blaming me he’s pathetic, jealous of the attention I give my children. He’s admitted all that, and I’ve wondered the same, how long will this last. I just don’t know what to do. I think the reality is that I’ll never ever forgive him. But I really don’t want to tell my eldest his daddy is leaving. If I think I feel bad now, breaking my babies heart will destroy me forever. I know in time it’ll get easier but that stop me hurting now. I’ve never been hurt like this before and finding it quite hard to deal with. XX

AnyFucker Thu 02-Nov-17 20:40:44

I would not ever forgive that

maybetomorrow4 Thu 02-Nov-17 21:29:20

He sounds damaged..... Jealous of the attention you give the children?
I would not forgive that alone.Sorry you are going through this. Is the woman at work married? How did you find out and just because he says its over,does not mean it is.

maybetomorrow4 Thu 02-Nov-17 21:37:24

If you put this post in the aibu section, you will get more replies. I hope your husband is not my boss who I have just found out has been shagging a member of staff for 18 months.

Wifeymumy Thu 02-Nov-17 21:48:56

No the woman he works with is not married. I spoke to her and told her she needs to get some self respect, sleeping with a married man, she knew he was married. If she didn’t know if have felt sorry for her. But she knew!!! He ended it with her and he even admitted to her that he was using her because he got nothing at home. That pissed her off and she phoned him when she knew I’d be with him, so of course I questioned who she was and what was going on and he came clean. Xx

Wifeymumy Thu 02-Nov-17 21:50:19

This fling lasted about 2 weeks (so I’m told) xx

maybetomorrow4 Thu 02-Nov-17 21:57:34

So sorry but I just could not believe a word he tells you. That woman has some cheek phoning him , knowing you are with him. ...and after only two weeks? I smell bullshit

maybetomorrow4 Thu 02-Nov-17 22:00:16

How did you find out op about the fling?

Wifeymumy Thu 02-Nov-17 22:19:42

She phoned him and he panicked. I told him to answer it or I would. He answered it, had a very short awkward conversation and when I questioned it he came clean.

maybetomorrow4 Thu 02-Nov-17 22:55:15

I understand now. You need some time to think clearly. I still would not believe him though about it only being two weeks, as it must take a bunny boiler to contact him,knowing his wife is there with him,only after a short period like that. I would want to find out more details before making any choice. If they are still working together , the opportunity is still there. You sound like a good mum and person. Sorry this is happening in your life.

Wifeymumy Fri 03-Nov-17 08:17:44

Thank you. I know I don’t deserve any of this no matter hum drum life can get with two young children. He’s leaving his job, I have spoken to her and asked her to tell me about the whole thing. The sexual part of the affair was only for two weeks, but not every day, not that that even matters, once was too many. But the flirting had started at a works do a couple of months ago. She admitted she initiated it, and had started to want more but knew she couldn’t have it, but got cought up in it. She said he never once mentioned leaving me for her and that he it was him that ended it. What hurts more is the time they spent together that lead to it becoming sexual. Time he should’ve been with me and our boys. I think what I’m more scared of is bringing up my young children alone. I do love him but I can put a lid on that simply by thinking about what a pathetic shit he is. Our children adore him and I don’t want to break their hearts. Saying that my youngest wouldn’t know any different but my nearly 5 year old will be devastated.

silentpool Fri 03-Nov-17 08:22:23

I would ask him to leave to be honest. I've come to believe that there are two kinds of people in the world, cheaters and non-cheaters. You either have it in you or you don't. I am not convinced that cheaters can change as its a fundamental character flaw.

Wiggles9408 Fri 03-Nov-17 08:43:28

Op I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.

If you want to make it work, deep down in your heart if you know you want this then you’ll both have to do everything in your power to make it work, tell him to leave the job where the OW works, go to couples counselling, don’t text each other about the situation, if you want to talk about it do it face to face and never close the door on talking about how you feel. If it made you feel worthless and betrayed tell him, he needs to know how much he’s broken you and that simply by being ‘great dad’ won’t cut it or seal the cracks. If however you don’t see this working out despite how much you may want it too, love him or don’t want to raise your children alone you shouldn’t stay because you’ll be putting yourself through the torment everyday of being with someone you can’t get over hurting you. And you wouldn’t be alone, you’d both share the responsibilities of your dc, I’m hoping you’ve got some family around that can support you and if it’s any consolation you do have everyone here.

This is intimately your decision of where you see your life going, take some time to really consider all the options and good luck I hope things work it for you and your dc.

Also silentpool please don’t say that! Hahah my partner cheated on his ex girlfriend and now we live together and have a 6mo old! Haha don’t scare me like that!!! grin

Wiggles9408 Fri 03-Nov-17 08:46:23

Oh my god FYI he didn’t cheat on her with me!!!!! I re read that and it sounds awful!! I met him a year later!! But I kinda do agree that if you’re the type that can do it that systematically you’re always capable. I’ve never cheated and couldn’t ever imagine hurting someone that much.

maybetomorrow4 Fri 03-Nov-17 14:21:57

If he is such a good dad then he still can be. Nothing changes for the children in that respect. You deserve so much more from a husband than him.

maybetomorrow4 Fri 03-Nov-17 21:03:18

How are things today op?

twohandstwokids Fri 03-Nov-17 21:33:04

If you decide you want to stay there is a lot of guidance online to help you think about the conditions are under which you will stay. Things like him being absolutely honest (yet there will be a stage at which you need to decide there will always be minutia detail that you don’t know). Him leaving his job and breaking all contact with this women. Etc. you will also need to decide a point in which you will no longer use it as a weapon against him (you are no where near that but maybe in 6-12 months). It can work. You can be happy again. But there has to be conditions in place on both sides.

This said, aside from the affair, do you want to be with someone who chooses not to actively participate in family life?

Maybe he should spend some time being the primary parent, and you go back to work, so he knows how it is to care for the family. If only for 3-6 months.

Wifeymumy Sat 04-Nov-17 08:50:09

It was bad yesterday, I keep getting upset, he gets frustrated and says things like ‘if things were ok at home I wouldn’t have done it’ and then ‘you can’t throw it out at me all the time ‘ then he apologised and said he only says then things because he’s ashamed of himself. He is honestly one of the most selfish pricks I have ever met!!! I’m sure he thinks we should be back to normal by now...it’s only been 2 weeks since I found out. I’m starting to believe he had some ‘issues’ someone mentioned in a previous post he sounds damaged. He’s been referred for counselling by his doctor but I can’t help but think he’s just an absolute mard arse and wants sort of sympathy for how he’s feeling about what he’s done. I said to him, it’s funny how you’ve been feeling so low and for some reason that made you sleep with someone else, but now you see everything so clearly, now you know you love us and want to be with us, has she got a magic fanny because it seems to have cured him!!! I think we’re beyond help if I’m honest. Xx

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 04-Nov-17 10:41:48

Would your 5 year old really be devastated if he left? If would they barely notice? They barely see him in the evenings and I bet you do most of the hands on stuff at the weekends so actually they may find that every other weekend with dad actually bothering to engage will be better than what they have now.

And you will cope - you are already doing everything - you just won’t have someone clogging up the bathroom like a great beached whale for an hour every night.

Figure out how you would make it work on your own then decide if you think he will make it better. Don’t stay because you are scared to leave.

wobblywonderwoman Sat 04-Nov-17 10:48:21

It wasn't a little fling. It was sex with someone he was flirting with for months.

I would have thought about leaving because he'd rather clean the car than play with the DC in the evening.

It is totally unforgivable - totally. He's already throwing it back on you. I just wouldnt accept this marriage.

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