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SAHM: My husband doesn’t give me any money

(175 Posts)
Agoodapple Wed 25-Oct-17 07:58:56

Hi, and first of all, sorry, if this is on the wrong board.
I’m a SAHM of a little girl.
Here’s the situation, I’ve been married to my husband for a couple years now and he’s extremely tight. We’re talking, if I’d like to borrow £1 from him he will make a huge deal out it.
My husband doesn’t give me any money, he keeps the CTC, child benefit and working tax credit, plus his salary.
If I want to buy anything for myself (shampoo, get my hair cut, or clothes) I’ll have to sell something on eBay first.
I always thought being married meant that what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine as well, but turns out that it’s 100% my husbands and I don’t get anything.
Yes, he pays all the bills and food which I’m grateful for, but I, like every other SAHM, do everything in the house and look after our child.
I’m thinking of divorcing him, not just because of the money thing, but also because he doesn’t appreciate me, respect me or treats me nice in any way. He calls me names, doesn’t kiss, hug or have sex with me and starts arguments all the time (mostly over money)
I asked him if it’s okay if I buy him a small Xmas gift for £5, and his reaction was: Do I have to do the same?
What kind of reaction is that?
What would you do in my situation and how do you do finances with your SO, do you get an allowance or any spending money?

NotThereEileen Wed 25-Oct-17 08:00:18

He is horrifically financially abusive.
Leave him.

DressedCrab Wed 25-Oct-17 08:00:19

He's financially abusive. Get out or this will be the rest of your life.

TanteRose Wed 25-Oct-17 08:01:52

stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/types-of-abuse/economic-abuse/

you need to get out of the relationship flowers

Teddy7878 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:02:50

He is controlling, abusive and horrible! Definitely divorce his ass

ShanghaiDiva Wed 25-Oct-17 08:03:17

Leave him. He is isn't going to change and do you really want to spend the rest of your life living with a financially abusive man?

Ploppie4 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:03:54

For a start move the credits and benefits into your account

BorisTrumpsLair Wed 25-Oct-17 08:04:49

This is serious financial abuse and control OP.

What I would do is get out if there asap. Contact Women's Aid

You may want to report this thread and ask MN to move it to Relationships where you will get lots of excellent support and advice.

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn Wed 25-Oct-17 08:05:07

Poor you. This is a horrible situation to be in, and not really feel for you. Don’t be grateful to him. It’s his job to pay the bills.

This is abuse. Pure and simple.

I hope you have the strength to do something.

over40andpregnant Wed 25-Oct-17 08:05:07

Please leave
It’s awful

Move as much as you can to your own account like your child benefits

Crumbs1 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:05:39

This is so horrid it doesn’t sound real. Assuming it is sadly true, you are not in a marriage but are being kept as a slave. It is truly abusive. I couldn’t remain with someone who treated me in that way.

Wanderwall Wed 25-Oct-17 08:06:15

Yes, he’s both financially and emotionally abusive.

He is treating you like a slave.

Please get out of this abusive relationship for both your and your child’s sake.

Halfling Wed 25-Oct-17 08:06:18

I am a SAHM and I have complete access DH’s money and we have a joint account. I never consult him for day to day expenses, only for big spends. Your partner is horribly abusive and you need to leave. Sorry.

ChilliMary Wed 25-Oct-17 08:06:26

I felt sick reading this. This is shockingly bad. Please leave him. For your sake, and for your daughter.

Bluntness100 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:09:02

Op, what was the agreement before you decided to become a stay at home mum?

This is an awful situation, but how did it get here?

chinalass Wed 25-Oct-17 08:10:34

I would never normally say this but leave the disrespectful piece of shit!

Rinse him for what he’s worth!

dantdmistedious Wed 25-Oct-17 08:16:58

You need to leave him. You will be financially and emotionally better off.

bluebells1 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:21:21

What did you do before you married him? DId you have a bank account? And why can't you alter the bank account details for benefits?

AnonEvent Wed 25-Oct-17 08:23:26

To put this into context, so you have an idea of what ‘normal’ looks like.

DH and I have the same amount of spending money each per month. This is despite:

1. Me earning much more (when I’m working)
2. Him taking five months off for shared parental leave
3. Me not earning anything for six months while I set up a business
4. Me taking six months maternity leave

Irrespective of our situation, or how much money there is available to share, we share it evenly.

The reason we share it evenly is because we’re a team, and neither of us is more important, worthy or valuable than the other.

You need to leave. It might feel scary, but you’ll be so much happier.

GlitterGlue Wed 25-Oct-17 08:23:55

To slightly amend the fire brigade's advice:

Get out
Stay out
Get the divorce solicitors out

AdalindSchade Wed 25-Oct-17 08:26:22

Contact women's aid. Get his financial abuse of you on record and get their help to have an appointment with a solicitor on legal aid. You may be able to get legal aid to cover your divorce but no guarantees.
Then divorce the fucker, rent yourself a little flat and manage your own money. What a tight dickhead.

Nothingrhymeswithfamily Wed 25-Oct-17 08:28:52

You know this is now a criminal offence don't you? That's how wrong he is
Please please speak to women's aid
Good luck

Brokenbiscuit Wed 25-Oct-17 08:29:35

Not a SAHP, but he sounds financially abusive. What's in this relationship for you? I rarely jump onto the LTB bandwagon, but in this case, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

Nothingrhymeswithfamily Wed 25-Oct-17 08:29:45

www.lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/abusive-relationships/financial-abuse.htm

SleepFreeZone Wed 25-Oct-17 08:31:14

I would get the fuck out of there is what I would do!

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