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Stop MIL seeing DC or not?

(12 Posts)
mummytwoh Sat 21-Oct-17 23:55:03

My MIL has always been emotionally abusive & manipulative towards my Husband.
She had also been a complete b*^%h to me but not in the same way.
It's all come to a head a few months back, and I decided that I can no longer have her in my life - at least for the short term. I am 7 months pregnant and she just causes to much upset in my family.
I have never been comfortable with her spending time with my children without me being there so put up with her craziness so my children can have a relationship with her as I really do believe there's nothing quite like having your grandparents in your life.

Last week however she was probably the most abusive to my husband I've ever seen. She said some terribly cruel things & he's starting to see just how dangerous (mentally) she can be.

I've decided that until she is ready to deal with the issues properly that I need to keep my children away from her. It's not that she's bad to them in anyway, however she will happily say negative and untrue things to them about me and my husband (they are 5 & 3). I think that's really unhealthy and not something I want them to have to deal with.
Neither me or my DH want the children with her alone but right now as we don't want to see her it means the children don't get to either. We've said we will meet her to discuss things without the children and once we can fix our relationship bring the children back in but she's having none of it.

She thinks we are using them as a weapon against her and that's not the case at all. She is seeing is as blackmail, rather than us protecting our children from a very unhealthy
situation.

My question is, if your MIL was emotionally abusive to your husband and attempted it with you would you separate the relationship she has with the children and let them see her without you there?

My 5 year old wouldn't want to go there alone, not because of her he just doesn't like going anywhere without me or his dad really. Our 3 year old would go with anyone who gives her sweets 🙈

I don't want my own feelings to get in the way of doing what's best for my children.

Help xx

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 22-Oct-17 00:07:55

Not a chance in hell. She's toxic, manipulative, abusive and not to trusted around your innocent children.

If you need to protect yourselves, capable adults, from her, why would you expose your defenceless babies to her?!

My grandmother was vile to my patents and I wish my mum had protected us from her. When she died the relief that the painful years of her accusations and blackmail were over was immense.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Please keep all your children safe from this woman's toxic behaviour.

Bucketsandspoons Sun 22-Oct-17 00:16:54

You're going to need to separate your longing for your children to have your idealised view of grandparents from the reality. Why with your experience of this person's values, behaviour and ways of treating those they say they love, including their own child, do you want to expose your children to growing up with this abuse?

Grieve the loss for your children that they will lack a grandparent and give them a happy childhood instead.

Ttbb Sun 22-Oct-17 00:19:47

My grandmother did to me what your mil is doing to your children. It was horrible. Really really horrible. I felt like I couldn't contradict her because it would have ended badly for me but I also felt like I had been manipulated into complicity. Please don't expose your children to that. It's emotional abuse

Merida83 Mon 23-Oct-17 15:37:30

there is no way i'd be letting her spend time with my kids is i couldn't trust her to be honest and kind with them at all times.

Rachmumof4 Mon 23-Oct-17 19:45:33

She sound like mil, undermining, dominant and very manipulative. I try to use distance and time as excuses. However, if pushed I try to avoid going to her home and see her at public places with the kids. It is so awful what she is doing to you all. You and your family are for keeps, so keep your sanity and try to make her as insignificant in your lives as much as possible. Good luck

mummytwoh Tue 24-Oct-17 10:36:43

Thank you I really do appreciate it.

She has me second guessing myself and wondering if I am in fact using my children as a bargaining tool as she says.
I really don't want her around my children, but we keep hearing from people (who she has told the story to may I add) how cruel we are, that we are bad parents for involving our children etc etc.

She has become fixated on my children and telling anyone who will listen how heartbroken she is that we are keeping them from her. Yesterday she had to take the day off work and get a friend to do the same to console her as she was apparently so devastated.
At the moment I feel like she is focusing on us keeping the children away as a way of not acknowledging her own behaviour.

DH said said that he thinks now it's time that they perhaps go to a counsellor to work through the issues. He's always hated the idea but at the moment is trying to stay strong and not give into her emotional blackmail.
When she doesn't get her own way first she gets VERY nasty which she's done, then if that doesn't work she gets family and friends involved to tell DH how bad a person he is, & if that still doesn't work we get the guilt - which usually works on DH if I'm honest; that's the current stage.
DH is had enough, he wants to resolve things (whatever that means), but knows she is the very best manipulater out there, and before he k own it he'l be apologising for her action and signing be kids over to her for adoption (ok not quite but you get my point lol).

I kinda thought I'd come on here and be blasted for keeping the kids away.
Thanks again xx

Bucketsandspoons Tue 24-Oct-17 12:15:37

This is a known problem that happens to many people. Try this article; you might relate to this part:

(NC) adult children offer to let their parents meet the grandchildren because they consider it a step in reconciliation, because they feel sorry for the grandparents, out of a sense of duty, because they believe children should have grandparents even if the grandparents are bad enough that the parents cut them off, etc. The restrictions are partially for safety, and partially to reduce the chance that a grandparent will form a close bond. Estranged adult children don't want close bonds between their children and their estranged parents. Adult children don't enjoy arranging meetings between their estranged parents and their children, and are often doing it for the sake of the grandparents. The expectation is that if the grandparent does well with a period of supervised meetings, they can be allowed more time with the child, less supervision, etc.

The article goes on to talk about that where there's a toxic relationship in place, the grandparents often are very angered and upset by anything they see as 'control' (their children putting boundaries in place around the grandchildren), don't agree their children have a right to boundaries from them anyway, and if boundaries are accepted then it comes with an expectation that those boundaries will be rapidly relaxed and removed, not acceptance that this will be a limited relationship. Relationships are often all (wholly on the toxic person's terms) or refused. Which places huge emotional pressure on the child.

Full article and many other good ones (try the one about boundaries too) found here:

www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/notes-all-or-nothing.html

OnTheRise Wed 25-Oct-17 09:47:07

You're not using your children as bargaining chips by preventing them from seeing her. You're protecting them from her toxicity.

Keep them away from her. She's poisonous, and will damage your children if you give her access to them.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Wed 25-Oct-17 09:56:48

Tell your dh that it's not recommended that people go to counselling with those who are abusive with them. He maybe should look into it for himself though. Tell him to look at the Stately Homes threads on here.
It would be a chilly day in hades before she saw my kids.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Wed 25-Oct-17 10:00:10

Oh and you've got an infestation of flying monkeys. They get cut out too.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Wed 25-Oct-17 10:00:11

Oh and you've got an infestation of flying monkeys. They get cut out too.

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