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Useless, binge drinking, but lovable husband..

(44 Posts)
gnashalou Sat 21-Oct-17 17:57:06

At the end of my tether. I've been married for 2 years (together for 8) and we've got a 7 year old lad who is currently being supported by SENCO and we are awaiting a diagnosis for adhd/autism. I'm holding down a part time job and also self employed, he keeps flitting from crap paid job to crap paid job.

Now, during the week my husband is lovely. Bone idle but a bloke who's company I genuinely enjoy keeping. Weekend comes along and I can't stand him. He does nothing with our son, spends literally the whole weekend from Friday night until Sunday night sat on his chair in the kitchen listening to music, playing his online games (free, no money involved now...he used to spend about £100 every month on his game!) and binge drinking (if we're skint he will borrow money to drink). He gets through roughly 2-3 bottles of wine and about 25-30 cans of cider or beer every weekend. The whole time virtually ignoring me and my son (he periodically spends the odd 5 mins here and there winding me up and play fighting with our son, throughout the weekend). Days out or even a few hours out rarely happen. If I do anything with the little one it's either with my mum or by myself. If I work at the weekend I come home to a shit hole and despite my tough job as a carer for residents with late stage dementia, he barely says a word as I get home and start cleaning the house. It's like he doesn't even think of anyone other than himself!

In a nutshell, as a father he is loving but not the most hands on (to put it politely). As a husband he's not horrible or nasty but he's not attentive and never makes me feel special. He's a lazy twat! 😂 He's clearly got a problem with drink but I married a man who I knew was once a heroin addict. He's fought and beat what must be an awful addiction so should I be a bit more supportive of the fact he drinks heavily? It's not as if he's abusive when he drinks. Or is it time to leave? And yes, I have spoken to him about this before and he will listen but it is forgotten about within a few days.

CockacidalManiac Sat 21-Oct-17 17:59:39

Why should you put up with his addiction? He’s just swapped one for another.

ParkheadParadise Sat 21-Oct-17 18:03:23

Time to leave I think.

Living with addiction is a nightmare.

AnyFucker Sat 21-Oct-17 18:06:16

Lovable ?

I can see nothing to love about this man. He is a drainer.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 21-Oct-17 18:06:42

He has just swapped addictions I absolutely agree.

Is your son in his sole care while he’s drinking?

NotAgainYoda Sat 21-Oct-17 18:08:13

I know someone living with a man like this. 20 years on it's much less attractive. Basically, she is a single parent. If that's what you want for yourself and your son, then carry on.

Your son needs stability and boundaries

Middle aged men with drink problems start to have health problems. If you start making demands on them then they can become belligerent and even abusive

bringbacksideburns Sat 21-Oct-17 18:18:48

If yes like this now when your son is 7 what the he'll is he going to be like when he's older?

You are going to be very lonely supporting an addict.

You are a single mum at the weekends anyway. Leave.

MorrisZapp Sat 21-Oct-17 18:20:22

I'm guessing that being a carer for the elderly is extremely tough and very low paid.

But this guy sits and drinks your wages away every weekend?

What point is there to being with him?

scootinFun Sat 21-Oct-17 18:20:31

Leave him, the release from stress will be a blessing

annandale Sat 21-Oct-17 18:23:50

I'm sorry, I think you should leave. I say this because of accounts of children of alcoholics. Tbh what will you do if your son takes your husband's life as the norm? When did your h start on heroin? Your son deserves the best life you can give him.

SittingAround1 Sat 21-Oct-17 18:23:52

He's not exactly setting a good example for your son. A living father doesn't just spend 5mins max at the weekend with his son.
You are enabling his alcohol addiction.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 21-Oct-17 18:26:43

He's awful! What is the bloody point of him? You have to work in a very difficult job and then come home to clearing up his mess? I might do that once but I wouldn't do it again.

Your life without him would be lovely.

RandomMess Sat 21-Oct-17 18:26:53

Your son deserves so much more please leave flowers

gnashalou Sat 21-Oct-17 18:26:58

MrsTerryPratchett yep. Although not often as my work rota means I only have to leave him with the husband during the weekend evenings once or twice a month, thank god. I dread it though, and actually feel like a crap mum for doing it. It is one of the main reasons why I resent my husband's drinking so much. But he doesn't see a problem with it. His excuse: Our son is happy enough! I don't think sitting him in front of his Wii for 7 hours is doing little one any favours, personally. 😠

This is hard. I find myself watching other people's husbands/partners and comparing. Wishing mine was like them. Yet I love mine and I can't stand the thought of tearing up the family. :-(

onceandneveragain Sat 21-Oct-17 18:29:50

so his bad points are: alcoholic, lazy, does not really contribute financially, financially irresponsible, messy, shit father, sexist (if he leaves all child-rearing and cleaning to you), irresponsible, selfish, inattentive addictive personality.
His good points: " not horrible or nasty,"
If you have even the slightest bit of self respect for yourself then you should see you deserve much more than someone who the best thing you can say about them isn't they aren't horrible (and that's arguable, as I think expecting someone else to work all day and then clean up after you is pretty horrible). If you don't even then have that much self-respect then think of your son and the behaviour he's seeing modelled, both by you and his father.
Have never said this before on MN but: LTB!

RJnomore1 Sat 21-Oct-17 18:29:55

My mother in law was with this man for 20+ years (not dh father who was apparently an even bigger waste of space)

She ended up nursing him as he died of a self inflicted cancer.

It's no way to live. I used to feel sorry for her but then I realise she chose that, she chose it because for her a man who pissed her money away was better than no man. She worked - still does - in a low paid job and he worked sometimes. He put her in lots of debt. Shes still paying it off and he is 5 years dead.

my dh is not like that thank god but we were young when we got together and we did have some fiery times because his view of how men drunk was very different to mines due to growing up seeing that. Thankfully he wanted different and better.

He only sees his mum a few times a year now TBH. She chose the man over him time and time again.

Never mind you. You have a choice to not be there. Your son does not. Ffs woman up and think about him.

AdalindSchade Sat 21-Oct-17 18:32:58

For god's sake have some standards! How is this useless twat in any way a husband or father?
Get rid of the lump and get your self esteem back.

MsGameandWatching Sat 21-Oct-17 18:34:12

Yet I love mine and I can't stand the thought of tearing up the family. :-(

What family? You and your son are the family, your husband is just someone who lives alongside you in the same space but doing his own thing. Of course he's lovable and good company at times, he has to be, it's protecting his living situation, keeping things amicable, he is doing the bare minimum to keep you sweet. I would be interested to see what would happen if you started making demands of him to become properly involved in family life. I suspect he would turn nasty very rapidly.

gnashalou Sat 21-Oct-17 18:34:52

Oh god reading these replies has really hit home. I've been in denial about my relationship for ages. I'm looking for excuses to stay I think. But I know deep down I'm not happy and I know this isn't good for our son.

My dad is a full blown alcoholic and my childhood memories aren't great. My mum is still with him and hates him. HATES him. I can see us in them.

How the hell do I leave? Financially I don't rely on my husband but I'm not in a position to just go and rent another place either. By rights, I should stay here with our son but he has nowhere to go and I am not the person to tell him to just go. I have family, but me and my son lodging with them until I have money won't be easy....

PrincessPlod Sat 21-Oct-17 18:39:41

Sounds great I can see why you love him.

Whisky2014 Sat 21-Oct-17 18:43:52

You tell him how you feel an are now considering breaking up. State tat if you do you would prefer to stay in thr home and he can go. Give him a chance to buck up. If not, he knows the drill.

Whisky2014 Sat 21-Oct-17 18:44:43

And where he goes is not your problem!

AdalindSchade Sat 21-Oct-17 18:44:44

Does he have friends or family he can live with for a while?

gnashalou Sat 21-Oct-17 18:49:06

Nope AdalindSchade. He's got nowhere to go. His closest family is 350 miles away.

AdalindSchade Sat 21-Oct-17 18:49:41

Does he have a job?

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