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How do I tell him?

(35 Posts)
dazedandconfuse Sat 14-Oct-17 00:22:15

So I went for an abortion on Thursday, my ex came with me (father of the baby) anyway we were at the clinic for about 4 hours, I had my blood tests and eventually the scan, I asked to see the baby, and as soon as I saw that big old baby head and it was moving around like crazy I just broke down. I couldn't go through with it. So I left, and as far as my ex is concerned, I had the abortion. He has no idea I didn't go through with it. We are still very good friends, hang out regularly and talk all the time, but he is a huge dickhead. He made it clear he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the baby if I kept it. However, after the "abortion" he said to me "you know I would of wanted to be involved if you'd kept it" and now I'm like... what the fuck?

I know he's a dick. But we have been friends for many years and I am in short supply of those right now. We are only young, 20 and 21.

What's going to happen when I tell him I didn't go through with the abortion? How's he going to react? I have no idea what will happen. Not even that I care that much really, more I just would like to know, so I can be prepared I guess

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 14-Oct-17 00:59:58

Decide what you want to happen.

I would say don't tell him, but since you have ongoing contact, tell him sooner rather than later.

Good luck flowers

SleepingStandingUp Sat 14-Oct-17 01:08:53

Please don't lie to him about this. He deserves a chance to make a decision too and your child deserves a dad.

The longer you leave it the worse it will be. He is liable to be angry that you lied - what's did you say as he drove you home?

I would sit him down and tell him directly. Tell him that as soon as you saw the baby you knew you needed to go through wit the pregnancy but you were worried how he would react. Give hi ma chance to stand by you and if he says he wants nothing to do with it, walk away and enjoy your child

DangerMouse17 Sat 14-Oct-17 01:29:31

They do scans at an abortion clinic? I find that rather odd.

It's your body OP and you have every right to change your mind about this. Just be honest with him and be ready to go it alone. Have you got good family support?

And congratulations

AcrossthePond55 Sat 14-Oct-17 02:20:00

He said what he said because he thinks he'll never have to put his money where his mouth is. Don't count on him to live up to his words.

Tell him, but plan on going it alone.

2furbabies Sat 14-Oct-17 02:44:24

Tell him with either a friend with you or in a very public space with people around just so he doesn't lash out in emotions. Tell him straight he's either in or out and your fine with going it alone. I agree with pp that he probs thought he would never have to put his money where his mouth is!

(They have to scan to make sure there's a baby in there at the clinics, the machines aren't half as technical though not like a 20 week scan)

Good luck grin

IAmTheDragon Sat 14-Oct-17 02:48:31

Scans are normal at abortion clinics now apparently. My sister just had one - seeing the foetus was incredibly difficult for her. I really feel for women in that situation. It's so shit.

No advice OP, just a bunch of support. Do whatever feels right in your gut flowers

DasPepe Sat 14-Oct-17 03:03:08

After choosing not to have childr at 19 but later in life, although I do not regret my decision I have changed my mind about something.

Having a child young does not ruin your life. It limits you and makes it harder, yes.

What can ruin your life is being tied to another person through birth that you might not want anything to do with. You and the father may grow apart, find that you have fundamentally different ideas on parenting, health and wellbeing of your child. It's moral and spiritual guidance, material possession. Everything. He/ or you might find again Christian Buddah Guru temple of the Jehovas and decide that from now on little one will wear nothing but sandals and eat goat yoghurt at sunrise. And you have to make it work or not but it won't be easy.

You've decided to keep the baby (yay and congrats). You have to tell him. Be clear about what you want.
It sounds as though you know this relationship won't work and I would go with your gut instinct.

dazedandconfuse Sat 14-Oct-17 06:41:56

Thank you for all your advice guys I appreciate it

They have to have scans at abortions because How else are they supposed to know how far gone you are and know for sure a) You're going to be going through the right procedure (medical/surgical) and b) you're not so far gone that it's too late for an abortion? they lie you down completely flat like your head is almost lower than your body, and the scan is turned away from you. They only show you if you ask. And the scan was actually very good quality, i could see everything very clearly, and also found out I was a week longer than expected.

Gumbubble Sat 14-Oct-17 06:45:42

It's completely standard to have scan before abortion to tell how far along you are. I had one back in 2003 and was scanned first to check.

CircleofWillis Sat 14-Oct-17 07:56:21

Hugs to you dazed. You made two very brace and mature decisions in the recent past. To have an abortion and then to keep the baby. You are able to make this third decision to tell your ex as soon as possible. Put your big girl maternity pants on and get it over with as soon as you are able. He might currently be dealing with mixed feelings of guilt and relief and if so will need time to adjust to the change in the situation.

dazedandconfuse Sat 14-Oct-17 15:46:32

I'm not sure when I'm going to be seeing him next, shall I wait to tell him in person? Would feel a bit shit doing it over messages

NC4now Sat 14-Oct-17 15:54:08

It's probably best done in person. Can you arrange to meet him? Tell him it's important and you need to speak to him.

CircleofWillis Sat 14-Oct-17 15:55:21

Why not call him. That way you could tell him over the phone or arrange to meet with him as a matter of urgency. I hope you are OK. Have you been able to talk to friends air family in RL?

CircleofWillis Sat 14-Oct-17 15:57:00


RancidOldHag Sat 14-Oct-17 15:57:52

Yes, they need to establish gestational dates, to establish which method is to be used. It is not routine in UK for the patient to watch the scan. But that's a minor point.

OP now needs to be preparing for single parenthood - is your housing suitable for an infant, how long will any workplace maternity benefits last, what will you do about childcare so you can return to work/education?

You also do need to tell the father - not least because you still see him sometimes and the pregnancy will be visible shortly. And then work out if co-parenting will be possible. I think in person is better - because waiting a bit isn't going to make any difference now you have made a settled decision.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 14-Oct-17 15:59:20

I understand your decision but recognise that if you tell him, if you put him on the birth certificate then you are committing to keeping a dickhead in your life for decades. You are committing your child to have a dickhead of a father.

dazedandconfuse Sat 14-Oct-17 16:20:13

I currently live with my 3 year old and my mum. She's a teacher, she loves having us here but I was planning on moving out in the next couple of months as I can afford it (me and my son actually only moved to mums a couple months ago because the tenancy ran out on the house I was renting and were meant to move again right away but got too comfortable at home I guess!!) Because I was so young when I had my first (17) and I coped really well (got a job, carried on with college etc) I feel like this time round I'll be OK. my little boy is great. I've done a lot of research into what is gonna happen in terms of my education and job etc this time round. I'll actually be able to carry on my degree, and finish on time, as long as I can of course juggle my two kids and uni without having a mental breakdown when the time comes. I'm fairly confident I'll manage it, as I managed with my a levels and a new baby at 17. It was hard, but I have a great family, wonderful mum who is incredibly supportive of me.
When I told her what had happened, she was mostly just shocked that my ex didn't catch on that I hadn't had the abortion. He barely batted an eyelid and I haven't even lied and said I have had the abortion, I've simply kept my mouth shut.

Of course my life would be a lot easier if my ex decided he did want to be involved and we got back together and lived happily ever after but I've had my fair share of shit in life already, I know this isn't going to be a walk in the park being a single mother of two kids at 21 desperately trying to make something of her life whilst making sure the children have everything they need in life and are as happy as can be. I do know that there's nothing, absolutely nothing in the world that makes me want to succeed more than my little boy I have now, and I have no doubt in my mind another child will simply contribute to that. Seeing how happy he is and that I'm doing what I want in life it makes me super positive for the future with a new child, and my little boy would absolute adore a little brother or sister.

I will tell my ex soon. Will try and arrange to meet up some time in the week when I'm free (confused) will end up being a 5 minute chat in the university canteen probably hahaha

Thanks so much for your support everyone it's really really helped

dazedandconfuse Sat 14-Oct-17 16:29:55

Also, there's no way I couldn't tell him because we know a lot of the same people, it'd be very very obvious the baby was his, as I'm also 14 weeks pregnant, starting to show already, if I didn't tell him someone else would. It's just a matter of how I go about it without him getting angry and telling me I've tried to trap him or whatever other bullshit men like to throw around

C0untDucku1a Sat 14-Oct-17 16:38:24

I imagine he said he would have been there for you after he thought you had the abortion because it actually didnt matter at that point. Empty gesture.

Good luck op.

PhuntSox Sat 14-Oct-17 17:49:51

You can give yourself a couple of weeks before you tell him so you can get used to the idea yourself.

mummyguts Sat 14-Oct-17 18:26:51

tell him asap but give him strict boundaries until/unless he stops being a dickhead. dont put him on the birth certificate- my dds father (also a dickhead) isnt on her birth certificate and i'm so so so glad he isnt, he only saw her a handful of times in the first couple of weeks before fucking off, if he was on the birth certificate i'd be living in fear that he'd turn up and make a fuss- with the birth certificate on his side.

plus that way he cant claim you've 'trapped' him

CircleofWillis Sat 14-Oct-17 23:10:02

I don't think you should wait 'a couple of weeks' as a pp suggested. This is different to a situation where the father has no idea that there was a child. Here he knows the child existed and believed that a termination happened. It is possible he is coming to terms with lots of mixed emotions. In this situation I would try to let him know asap. Men can experience the same range of emotions around an abortion as women do. From simple relief to feelings of guilt through to deep regret.
Good luck with everything!

SleepingStandingUp Sat 14-Oct-17 23:54:39

Up I have to agree to tell him ASAP before someone else says something or clocks on about your bump. You really need to make time. Can mom have little one and put him to bed so you can meet up after work / uni?

dazedandconfuse Sun 15-Oct-17 09:15:00

He's now in hospital unwell and won't be out for a few more days, I went to see him last night but I didn't think it was the appropriate time to tell him. Boyyyyy this is getting dragged out 😖😖😖

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