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My sons dad got in touch after 10 years of not being there.

(26 Posts)
Blondie321 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:09:49

So I have brought my son up all on my own after his dad walking out when I was pregnant. He is an amazing boy and has made me so proud. So anyway just yesterday I got a message on Facebook messenger from “him” saying he is sorry for everything and would like to meet. I dont know what to do my family are saying don’t acknowledge him. What would you do?

ChevalierTialys Thu 12-Oct-17 13:15:39

Ask him what he wants, why does he want to meet? If he wants to see his son, it's really your DS's decision, not yours.

hotwheelsderailed Thu 12-Oct-17 13:16:37

This is a really hard one and for me would depend on many different factors

On the one hand I wouldn't want to deprive my child of meeting their father, but then what right does he have after fucking off and leaving you to do all the hard work?

What type of person was he - would he be a positive influence in your son's life? Does your son have a father figure in his life? Would he benefit from meeting his father?

TBH I would be tempted to just ignore

hotwheelsderailed Thu 12-Oct-17 13:17:24

actually yes, at age 10 your son should probably have a say in this!

SleepFreeZone Thu 12-Oct-17 13:18:18

Ask him for 10 years of child support and see if he's still interested.

TheQueenOfWands Thu 12-Oct-17 13:18:19

My ex did the exact same thing after 9 years.

I did ponder it. Then ignored. I didn't think any good could've come of it.

Blondie321 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:32:38

He also went on to message “you are looking lovely by the way”

This made me think is he even interested in my son or not? I am curious of his intentions? My head had been haywire since I saw the message. But all in all I Really don’t think my boy will be bothered in the slightest as he is so happy and content and when he was old enough he knew from the start that his dad just walked out because he wasn’t ready to be a dad. My son is very protective over me as it has only ever been us 2. No man in our lives since.

If I reply I am afraid it will start unecassary BS as I don’t know nothing about him or his family anymore.

😞🤦🏼‍♀️

DancesWithOtters Thu 12-Oct-17 13:33:58

Ask him for 10 years of child support and see if he's still interested. - Yes.

hotwheelsderailed Thu 12-Oct-17 13:36:50

Ignore.

Notreallyarsed Thu 12-Oct-17 13:40:30

Ask him for 10 years of child support and see if he's still interested

I agree with this. If you feel your son is emotionally able to decide what he wants to do, it’s probably best to speak to him about it and see what he wants to do.

That said, as the mother of a 10 yo son with a waste of space for a dad who despite “contact” has done precisely fuck all parenting in all those years I can see why you’d be conflicted. Honestly in your shoes my first instinct would be to tell him to fuck right off. Whether that’s right or not is a different matter.

ilovekitkats Thu 12-Oct-17 13:43:23

Ask your son what he wants to do as he's old enough to discuss it now.

megletthesecond Thu 12-Oct-17 13:44:39

I'd ignore. My dc's have a stable life and the last thing they'd need as pre- teens would be emotional upheaval of their long absent dad appearing.

FreakinScaryCaaw Thu 12-Oct-17 13:49:35

Has he contributed financially?

Blondie321 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:51:05

No not seen or heard from him since 2007

Blondie321 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:54:59

I have thought about telling my boy as he kept asking what’s wrong last night bless him. But do I mention it when I don’t even want to reply to his dad? I don’t like to keep things from him but this is different I could carry on like I never even looked at that message it could be like he never sent it!

Notreallyarsed Thu 12-Oct-17 15:02:25

Do you think your son would emotionally be able to cope? That’s the most important question, if he would cope with the idea of his “dad” being around, or if he disappeared again? You know your son better than anyone, and understand what level of emotional maturity he is at.

KarateKitten Thu 12-Oct-17 15:10:06

I think your son has a right to know his dad wants to reach out to him. I would prepare him as best as possible though. Your son may be about to get a crash course in 'adults can be useless'.

BubblesPip Thu 12-Oct-17 20:24:02

I would ask what his intentions are. And start with regular indirect contact if need be. Oh and definitely ask for a back payment in child support. I bet at that point he'll run a mile! At least then you've tried for your son

twohandstwokids Sun 22-Oct-17 02:57:51

If you don’t say anything to your son and ignore it, how would you r son feel in 8 years when your ex gets in touch directly and he finds out you didn’t connect them now.

I would try to find out more. Maybe talk with your ex and find out what he wants. Then make an assessment if it’s the right decision.

Sprinklestar Tue 24-Oct-17 12:26:45

Ignore and block. Too little, too late (understatement).

crumbsinthecutlerydrawer Tue 24-Oct-17 12:39:17

I’ve been the kid in this situation. I had always wanted to meet up with my dad but never told my mum for fear of upsetting her but I always planned to find him myself. He got in touch and it really threw me even though I’d wanted it, I had always wanted it on my terms, even as a child. It was very overwhelming.

He dropped me after a while and this is a pattern that has repeated itself every seven years or so. I got in touch when my dcs were born, for their sake and to keep him informed. He has since done the same to them and I am now done.

Find out what his intentions are, if he really wants to meet your ds then tell your ds, give him the option of if he wants to be in touch, baby steps at first definitely not straight into a face to face meeting it’s too much. But do let your son know he is under absolutely no obligation to meet this man or have a relationship with him if he doesn’t want to. But do keep the door open, he may not want to now but might in the future. And be prepared for a lot of mixed and intense emotions from him.

I wouldn’t keep it from him, he may have wondered about him from time to time and if he found out later you kept this from him it will cause problems with you two.

Good luck.

ThatsWotSheSaid Tue 24-Oct-17 12:46:21

This is so hard but ultimately I think your son is better off being able to put a name to a face so he doesn't build up some romantic imaginary idea of his father. Unfortunately the likelihood is that there is no solution where your son doesn't get hurt. If you don't respond your son will find out one day and may well be very angry with you.

Downhillatfifty Tue 24-Oct-17 13:02:46

It depends partly on what he was like. I was in pretty much exactly the same position, we broke up when my son was 3 months old. He would not have been a good parental influence and I chose to put my son first. Didn't hear anything from him for 14 years, no child support - my choice not to pursue it. He then tried to get in touch through a friend of mine sending quite a nasty letter which she only passed on, with a warning about the contents so that I was aware he was trying to get in touch. My son was in the middle of exams and I knew my ex would only be interested for a while and then piss off again which would leave my son upset as he would feel rejected which he never did before he just seemed to accept that his dad wasn't around. I contacted my ex and said it wasn't a good time and suggested he left it for a while. We never heard anything again til my son was 17 and his bio dad contacted him on facebook directly, they did meet up and his dad was all over him for a while making lots of promises then true to form lost interest and pissed off again. My son was hurt but at least he was better able to cope with it as he was 18 by then.
That was a few years ago now and my son told me that I did the right thing.
I may have handled it differently if my ex had been a different sort of person but it was amazing really how little he had changed even after so many years.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 24-Oct-17 15:43:28

Ask him for 10 years of child support and see if he's still interested.

^ This.

mummmy2017 Wed 25-Oct-17 09:49:54

Tell your son, talk to him about your worries and how you think his dad might flit in and out of his life, see what your son wants to do and go from there.
But as everyone said, after 10 years, NC he might disappear again, that way your son will always know what an idiot his dad was, and yes I would go after him for Child maintenance.

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