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Not attending my sisters wedding because of my toxic parents

(8 Posts)
mummyjen2 Tue 26-Sep-17 10:47:15

I'm so depressed. I've decided to not attend my sisters wedding because of my toxic parents and now my sister, siblings and all my friends and relatives are pressuring me to go. It wasn't a decision I took lightly, I cried most nights and keep asking myself why not just go?

I've been unhappy most of my life. My mother is very toxic and narcissistic. She had been calling me slut, prostitute, ugly, dumb, useless for most of life until I grew to just accept she is the way she is. She would get attention by threatening to hang herself most nights and cause us many sleepless nights even when we had school the following morning. She even ran around naked drunk and vomited everywhere expecting me her 11 year old to clear the mess. Even when I grew up had a job she would do crazy things to get attention and ran outside on the road in the middle of the night drunk then I had to pick her up from the prison cell the following morning. I basically grew up parenting my own mother and my two younger sisters (whom I love to bits). When my parents would leave us at home to go gambling my sisters (then 6 and 7) would cry and I has to hug and comfort her and pretend to be a mother.

Now I'm grown up woman with my own family it all became too much when she wanted to allow my sis in law to hit my 6 year old son and said I should do what I'm told or a bad curse will happen to me and even hinted it could be death. When I was pregnant with my son we went into a argument and she told me if I don't treat her well watch what might happen to my unborn child! You can imagine throughout my pregnancy I was stressed. I was constantly worried about her cursing. I really am scared of her. I have nightmares of her and had to see Dr and therapist to seek advice. They told me to cut all contact for my own sanity and for my children's safety. Its been three years of no contact now. But my sister is getting married in 10 days time and my anxiety and depression is all coming back. I get msgs from relatives who's travelling from US coming for her wedding and they're asking me why I'm not going. And I just got a msg from my younger brother saying 'what would it take for you to go to your sisters wedding?' I feel so scared. My husband who's been the best person in this world to me and stood by me through these hard times told me to just ignore them. I feel awful. I have a big family. They're all very dominant and I have no say whatsoever and I'm worried once theres contact my mother would do the nice nasty cycle again. I did go through phases of self harming when I was a teenager but my mother just laughed and called me dumb. My brother grabbed a knife and said 'if you're brave enough just do it the proper way and kill yourself'. These memories I cannot forget. Then I did it again when I had a family because I was so depressed. I know my husband will have enough of me being such a scapegoat that he'll probably leave me. I'm certain I'm making the right decision not to go but everyone in my family will have no contact with me including my dearest sisters. I already told my sister (who's getting married) that I'll contribute money towards her honeymoon, treat her and her hubby to a nice meal and if she needs any help I'm here for her but shes not having any of it. She don't want contact with me. They think I should just accept mum the way she is. What would you do if you was in my situation? Sorry its such a depressing story but I'm desperate and my therapist isn't answering my calls for weeks. Thank you for reading.

RiotAndAlarum Sun 08-Oct-17 20:04:17

Your mother is using them just as much as she has used you. Sadly, she'll probably turn on them again, so they won't gain anything by doing this to you. So sorry they're putting you through this. It's very, very unfair on you, but you're doing the only right thing. flowers

bastardkitty Sun 08-Oct-17 20:07:39

As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. I'm so sorry you are being put under so much pressure. It must be horrendous. Hold tight. flowers

Lweji Sun 08-Oct-17 20:08:15

I was going to say you should go, as it was mostly about your sister and your mum would be just one person there and you wouldn't have to interact with her.

But, it looks like most of the family is not healthy to you, either, and won't shield you from her, so keep to your guns, and if necessary block them at least until after the wedding. If they cut contact with you it seems more like a win-win situation.

mrsRosaPimento Sun 08-Oct-17 20:13:39

Go to the stately homes thread as there's lots of support from people who understand. Your relatives are flying monkeys. They may have been raised as the golden child and are used to treating you like a scapegoat. I'm in a similar situation and my abusive parents got to keep my extended family. Look into Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The symptoms you describe fit.
You shouldn't go. It's too harmful. The family dynamic is completely wrong. With non toxic families your parents wouldn't be invited!

mummyjen2 Mon 09-Oct-17 13:46:52

Thank you all for your msg of support. The wedding is already over and I didn't attend. The guilt is still killing me but I know its for the best. I'm already on the waiting list for counselling and going to a weekly mental group talk for help. I have been down the the pits but my husband and children spent the weekend away trying to forget it and manage to create some precious family time. Thank you once again for your support and I will look into everything thats been suggested. xx

blahblahblah2000 Thu 12-Oct-17 03:40:01

You absolutely did the right thing by not attending. You’ve been very strong to resist the pressure. Good luck with your counseling.

user1497997754 Thu 12-Oct-17 19:14:03

You def did the right thing.....protect yourself and your family from negative stuff and look after yourself....take care x

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