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Paying for Nephews University

(223 Posts)
PetitFilous123 Tue 22-Aug-17 23:00:03

Have NC so I don't out myself 😳

My brother has always been really good to me, looked after me after our parents died when we were young.

As things have worked out I have a good job and have saved quite well and generally just had a bit of good luck where finances are concerned. He and his wife struggle a bit financially and had been worried about how they would pay for their son to go to uni this year.

I spoke with my DB and suggested maybe I could pay his fees for the next four years and help out with accommodation costs etc. All fine. Didn't have the conversation with SIL because I wouldn't have wanted her to be offended or anything like that.

SIL has now just text to ask if I can give her the money she needs for a new car.

I could do this, and I probably will, I just sort of feel a little bit meh that she has asked me this. I don't know if I'm just being a bit daft though. I don't mind to help out, and I don't want to be rude, just sort of feel a bit out of sorts about it and can't tell if I'm being a bit unreasonable.

In my situation, wwyd? I'm not struggling for money, but equally I don't have a massive amount stashed away.

orangeowls Tue 22-Aug-17 23:03:27

I think you have been very generous with what you have offered and she is being incredibly cheeky!

To me it sounds a little bit like a slippery slope, if you say yes to this what will it be next? If I was you I would politely say you can afford to.

Your nephew is really lucky, you sound lovely smile

LineysRun Tue 22-Aug-17 23:04:08

The nephew can get a loan. Why would you stump up £37k fees plus living costs (Halls @ say, £6k a year) if you don't have a massive amount stashed away? You'd be in for over £60k for a four year course.

SuburbanRhonda Tue 22-Aug-17 23:04:12

You don't have a massive amount stashed away but can afford four years of fees (£36-40,000), plus some towards accommodation plus a new car (£10,000)?


Dawnedlightly Tue 22-Aug-17 23:05:13

I think you're mad to pay his fees. You do know that lots of parents who can afford to don't?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Tue 22-Aug-17 23:09:25

Don't pay the fees. Let him get a loan which is essentially a graduate tax any way. He may never earn enough to have to pay them back hmm

Offering to help out with living costs or books is very kind and could be a smaller amount. Either way you would at least know you were getting what you paid for.

If you want and can afford to loan your sil money for a new car then do. If you can't, then don't - but if she doesn't know about the offer for nephew I'm not sure why you blame her?

Tweennightmare Tue 22-Aug-17 23:10:04

If the nephew is uk resident he can get the uni fees on student loan and virtually everyone does this but paying for accomodation would be useful. Tell SiL to whistle though on the car ( cheeky mare)

QuinoaKeen Tue 22-Aug-17 23:10:27

I would tell her to jog on.

PetitFilous123 Tue 22-Aug-17 23:10:52

The fees and accommodation would be more like £30- £35k, which is manageable. I think it would be a good start for him to graduate without the associated debts. He could get a loan, but I have some extra money and wanted to do something nice to repay my brother in a way.

Bezm Tue 22-Aug-17 23:11:24

Students whose parents are on a lowing income end up quite well off at Uni so I wouldn't pay his fees or anything except maybe slip him the odd £20 when he comes home, or take him shopping for the things he will need before he starts.
And tell her to sod off for the car! Or tell her you'll loan her the money and get an agreement written up.
I borrowed money off my sister for a car when I split up and he kept the car but paid her back each month by direct debit. Asking you by text is just plain hard faced!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Tue 22-Aug-17 23:12:08

I bet he would appreciate a house deposit more!

PetitFilous123 Tue 22-Aug-17 23:13:35

Sorry, SIL knows about the gift, I just meant I spoke to my brother about it to see if he thought it was a good idea and when he said it would be good, he told her about the plan.

I'm not blaming her for asking or anything, just idk, felt a bit off about it, but I understand I'm probably being a bit silly about it.

Tweennightmare Tue 22-Aug-17 23:14:46

Yes but nephew would only start paying the uni fee loan once he reaches a certain income threshold so not the best use of finances paying the fees if you don't have to . We have more than enough money to pay DS uni fees but haven't for this reason and if you go on to money saving websites they would say the same

CiderwithBuda Tue 22-Aug-17 23:15:57

You are not being silly! She has a massive cheek. You are proposing to do something incredibly generous for her son and she wants a car?!

Does your brother know she asked you?

poisonedbypen Tue 22-Aug-17 23:16:30

Look at Martin Lewis's MSE website.

PetitFilous123 Tue 22-Aug-17 23:17:32

All being well he would potentially have a good income when he graduates, but maybe it would be better to pay his accommodation and give him a monthly stipend and put the rest of the money into an account for when he graduates? Or pay off his loan then?

RaininSummer Tue 22-Aug-17 23:19:19

I agree about the loan. Your offer us lovely but I would suggest to your brother that, now you have had time to think, it would be more sensible for nephew to take the loan but you will top him up to an appropriate amount. If you then wish to help further in the future then , as mentioned above, a deposit would be more helpful

CatsAreAssholes Tue 22-Aug-17 23:19:20

It sounds like she now sees you as the Bank of PetitFilous123. I'd just flat out say no.

PetitFilous123 Tue 22-Aug-17 23:19:59

I don't think brother will know to be honest, because if he had wanted to borrow/have money he would have just spoken to me about it.

I don't know if actually I've offended her by making the offer, and it's a sort of passive aggressive thing? Like, if you're throwing money around but this too? I'm possibly overthinking though blush

Bluntness100 Tue 22-Aug-17 23:21:01

Tell her no. Honestly that's just awful. Say it's tied up in investments and you can only free the money staggered for uni. I'm sorry she's like this with you. Don't buy her the car op. Really don't.

SuburbanRhonda Tue 22-Aug-17 23:24:36

Don't pay his fees.

He may well graduate and go straight into a high-paying job for life. Or he may go travelling and decide to change career to something less well-paid.

Or he may accidentally become a dad (it happens!) while at uni. Anything could happen and you would be paying back money he never would have had to pay back.

Pay his accommodation - much more useful and more like £7 a year.

cestlavielife Tue 22-Aug-17 23:28:34

It s nice of you to want to help but think about making sure they don't think you giving away money randomly... even if you can afford it your nephew needs to learn that he will need to get a job earn his own money etc.

Your nephew can get a loan for uni. He won't pay it back til he is earning. Keep that money and give him as deposit on a house when he really needs it. If you feel you want to.
Or a car if he does really well and studies hard. If he thinks aunty will pay for everything he may not bother studying hard.... why should he ?
Your brother doesn't need to pay his child anything thru he can get loans. You could get his cooking sets duvets etc at ikea. Or give ikea voucher etc. if nephew really needs a top up then consider giving him. A monthly amount.

Your nephew needs to show you he studying and benefitting.

Your sister in law now thinks you have money to give away for nothing. Up to you of course to do what you like but decide what your boundaries are.
Car now...what next ?
Or offer you sister in law your old car next time you get yourself a new one ...what should you buy her a new car ?

Treat your brother and family eg a nice holiday with you
but don't give them tens of thousands for nothing ... people can take advantage of you.....

Laine21 Tue 22-Aug-17 23:28:36

Universities have bursaries for students from Low income families, they don't have to be paid back check this out.

PetitFilous123 Tue 22-Aug-17 23:30:21

I take the point where the fees are concerned, I will speak with my brother about it, and just open an account with the fees amount for when he graduates and that way he can pay them off if he wants at that point. Thanks for the advice on that front!! 😁

Viviennemary Tue 22-Aug-17 23:31:46

That's too cheeky for words. And absolutely don't do it. It's beyond the pale that she even asked. Not sure about the financial benefits of handing over the money for fees and living expenses rather than let him take out student loans. But that's up to you.

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