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Partner has led me on for 17 years

(26 Posts)
Ju222 Sat 01-Jul-17 00:43:38

After 15 and a half years of saying 'one day' to marriage and a baby, my other half said no, never. Then after a year of misery on my part, he changed his mind again. Now he has said baby but not marriage knowing full well I won't do that, so it's just a sneaky way of getting out of both without saying so. He is scared stiff of people staring at him at a wedding which I completely understand but has accused me of wanting a big day which I absolutely do not. He uses that as the excuse every time even though I have offered to elope. The thing is, every time I go to the doctors they either try to suggest permanent contraception or tell me how old I am (37) and I shouldn't leave it any longer. I broke down on the last visit and they suggested counselling but he completely freaked out when I mentioned it which I can understand. Should I just go and speak to someone by myself? Should I leave him but not have enough time to meet someone else and fulfil my life? I don't want to do that because I love him and can't give that up for a baby I've never even met but I desperately want to belong and to have a family. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I would rather be alone by myself for the rest of my life than alone with someone else. I will absolutely not give him an ultimatum as the rest of my life would be a fraud if he agreed. Please help me, I don't have anyone else to talk to. Thank you x

ExplodedCloud Sat 01-Jul-17 00:47:08

You can get married with you two and a couple of witnesses off the street willing MNers who love to be random witnesses

alpacasandwich Sat 01-Jul-17 00:47:48

I think counselling would help you. Oh OP. This is so hard. Fifteen odd years..

Would you go it alone with a baby if you could get pregnant?

Are you otherwise happy in your relationship?

Only you know what's right here.. keep talking flowers

MistressDeeCee Sat 01-Jul-17 01:54:32

He's stealing away your good years, your fertile years. Do you really love him, if he can do this to you and drop this bombshell?

Has it been obvious to you for some time that really, this man wants neither marriage or children - but you allowed yourself to hang onto his "one day" words, and not his actions? Or is it more the case that he talked about marriage and children with you clearly, and then backtracked?

If you stay with this man you will be miserable. If you leave you will be miserable - for a time. But free to meet someone else and perhaps have a child and family life with. Or even go it alone with a child if that would suit you.

You sound as if you love this man more than you love yourself. Maybe you cant see yourself living without him. You can, though. Even if you cant imagine it, you will go on. As will he.

If you do decide to stay with him then perhaps counselling on your own would help you come to terms with a childless relationship. & the anger and upset that will land, when your childbearing years are gone and you resent him more. Is he honestly worth all this? Only you know.

Life is easier when you aim to be with someone who shares your values and is on same page as you ie wants children, as you do. Youre not 40 yet. I think its a red flag that he doesn't want marriage and doesnt want children either. Youve been together a long time. I hope if you do decide to stay, this man also intends to stay with you.

Fight or flight I suppose. Good luck whatever you decide.

Oliversmumsarmy Sat 01-Jul-17 01:59:23

Why not baby then marriage?

It all depends on how you feel never having children.

LetterEatCake Sat 01-Jul-17 02:06:18

I think you must have counselling. His behaviour is absolutely appalling and you will need support and assistance to help you make the decisions about what to do next.

He 'accused me of wanting a big day' - wtf. Is there some reason why you shouldn't want a wedding?! That doesn't mean you can't compromise and not have one. But what's concerning is that he sounds like he wants to control your wants.

I would arrange relationship counselling and tell him when and where. If he doesn't go, you have your answer - he is just not that into your relationship.

Italiangreyhound Sat 01-Jul-17 02:56:04

Ju222 I am so sorry that your partner has done this to you. He knows what you want and has strung you along and now revealed that he doesn't seem to want what you want.

Do you want a big day with family and friends all celebrating your marriage or would you be happy with eloping or something very simple.

I think you need to work out why you are putting up with this, have put up with this for 17 years. Why have you allowed this man to put his needs ahead of yours for so long?

I think do what you want. If you want to get pregnant, tell him that this is your plan, he can leave or he can get you pregnant. Whether he marries you or not, well, if you cannot have a child with him without marriage then you do need to know when this marriage will happen. If it will not happen (which is what he is telling you now?), then you know that staying with him means no children and no marriage. The opposite of what you want.

I know what you mean about ultimatums. I had a similar situation but after 3 years not 17. I said to my then boyfriend that we were breaking up because we wanted different things, I wanted marriage and a family and he did not appear to want that.

After we broke up dh arranged for us to see a counsellor together, his choice, and we decided to get married.

This was the second time that me and dh had broken up because he was not ready to commit. After the first time I took him back expecting him to know what I was hoping for! But after a year or so there was no development and so I had to break up with him again. No ultimatums, just me knowing I would rather go off and meet someone else who wanted what I wanted. It's a risk. And the risk is if he doesn't feel the same way as you, or isn't willing to go along with what you want, then you could be alone. So it really is something only you can decide to do.

Each time we broke up I joined a dating service. I never really wanted anyone as much as him, but I never really wanted anyone at all as much as I wanted to be a mum.

I have two kids, they bloody drive me mad, but I would not swap them for any man, ever, and I do really love my husband.

i am sorry to be blunt but if you want a child your time is running out, or close to it. Your boyfriend is playing with your future. Do not allow him to make this decision for you, acknowledge that if you stay with him you are choosing not to get married and not to have children.

Good luck. thanks

Zoflorabore Sat 01-Jul-17 03:34:00

I've said this before on here before but my dear old nanna ( passed away now ) always said to me " what's for you won't go against you " and i used to struggle to understand what she meant as a child but as an adult I totally get it and have applied it to several situations in my life.

It's a hard one op, for me, I could not stay with someone who i felt in essence was depriving me of the one ( or two ) things that would fulfil me most.

You don't want to get to pension age and regret staying with him, you will end up resenting him and maybe at that time it will be too late to have children.

Is it not an option for you to have a baby without being married? You say not.
I always said the same. I have 2 dc and am still engaged. It wasn't meant to be like that but it is and I wouldn't change a thing.

AskBasil Sat 01-Jul-17 04:14:43


Seriously, LTB and find someone else to have children with quickly, that's what I'd do.

Lots of men around 40 ish suddenly panic about settling down and having kids, there's loads out there.

He's dishonourable and has no respect for you; to deprive someone of children deliberately, while not being honest about doing so, is really low behaviour. A decent man wouldn't have waited until you were 36 to say not ever, he'd have said it about 33 at the latest, to give you time to find someone else.

You could stay with him and have kids, but you will probably split with him anyway, because he is not a decent man. He's dishonourable and selfish and he didn't care enough about you, to be honest with you about one of the most important choices anyone ever makes in life - having children. Moreover, he may well have deprived you of the chance to do so, if you do split from him. Any man who does that to a woman, isn't a man to carry on living with IMO.

Italiangreyhound Sat 01-Jul-17 04:17:42

I have to say I agree with AskBasil. Plus there is no gaurantee if you do split up he could not start a family with another woman. Men are fertile into their old age, women are not.

We started trying for a child at 37 and it took us 2 years and some help (IUI).

Cantseethewoods Sat 01-Jul-17 04:18:52

I'd just say-

IrritatedUser1960 Sat 01-Jul-17 04:19:26

Just go ahead and have a baby anyway. Who cares about marriage. i've been married twice and I'd certainly never get married again but my son is the love of my life.

BastardGoDarkly Sat 01-Jul-17 04:30:46

He's said he's up for having a baby, so have one? Why is being married so important, you're willing to walk away from the man you love, and not have a baby?

AgainPlease Sat 01-Jul-17 05:44:51

I feel for you OP but your partners excuse of being terrified of everyone staring at him at a big wedding is weak. Get married at a registry office with 2 witnesses and make it legal. If he says no to that, you have your answer.

As PP have suggested if you want a baby, have a baby. Is it really that important for you to be married before having a baby? I'm 8 years younger than you and find in my social circle those of us having children now are actually more likely not to be married when they conceive. It's a non-issue these days.

Kannet Sat 01-Jul-17 06:12:09

He is playing power games with you.

VulvalHeadMistress Sat 01-Jul-17 06:15:56

OP if by some miracle you could be 20 again, but with your brain and experience. Would you go out with him?

I think it is fair enough not to give an ultimatum, but you DO then have to make your own choices, and to make them happen.
He isn't getting married, take him at his word.
I would tell him today that you are stopping all contraception and that you as a couple are officially trying-to-conceive. Either he goes along with it, or you will see in Technicolor how low he can get.

LionsOnTour Sat 01-Jul-17 06:37:22

I'm not sure what I'd do but I think you probably have to accept that you've let it drag on way too long. It's not your fault obviously but I guess if you did this again you wouldn't have waited and waited so patiently.
Is there a chance that he thinks you don't care that much about it? Have you given him deadlines or ultimatums in the past or have you just agreed to wait? Waiting 15 1/2 years seems extremely passive. I honestly can't say what I'd have done (it's impossible to say unless you are in the position yourself) but I like to imagine I'd have been out of there years ago....
sorry I know I sound like I'm blaming you when it's him that's been stringing you along.

Would you want to have a baby on your own? I don't think you can have a baby with him if you intend to leave him but you could look into AI with donor sperm, - which I know is NOT that straightforward...

What do think you should do?

Italiangreyhound Sat 01-Jul-17 09:20:47

If he is seriously about being willing to have a baby I agree with Vulval just tell him you are stopping contraception a d starting to try for baby. He eil either be Ok or run a mile. If he runs get out there dating or consider sperm donor and stop letting him dictate your life.


expatinscotland Sat 01-Jul-17 09:32:38

What Ask and Mistress said. At your age, I'd ditch the contraception and use him as a sperm donor, he's shown that's about all he's good for. My daughter hooking up with a twat like this, loving him more than myself and pissing away her hopes and dreams for someone like this is one of my worst nightmares.

barrygetamoveonplease Sat 01-Jul-17 09:39:34

You need to stop loving this man.
Use him as a sperm donor if you like - he's had your youth, your best child-bearing years, it would be a fair return. Think it through - will he make you pregnant if he knows you are trying? Where would you go for sperm, quickly, other than him?
To him, you are ok for living with but not good enough for marriage.

PacificDogwod Sat 01-Jul-17 09:41:54

Controlling man-child.

Take control back, make your own decisions.

MooMooTheFirst Sat 01-Jul-17 09:42:11

Oh OP I'd leave.

MooMooTheFirst Sat 01-Jul-17 09:44:19

Sorry, fat fingers! I'd leave. I was with someone eight years who promised me marriage and babies... I left for other reasons as well but largely because it was never happening and I thought I'd have trouble conceiving (PCOS)

I've got a 1 year old DS now with a new DP and he (DS) is everything I've ever wanted and more so, by proxy, I'm happier than I've ever been.

notapizzaeater Sat 01-Jul-17 09:52:46

The wedding doesn't have to be a big event, the baby is more pressing - have the doctors checked your egg reserves ? This might give you and indication if you need to rush

ems137 Sat 01-Jul-17 09:52:58

I would either stop using contraception and get pregnant anyway or leave.

Just think how you'd feel in 5 years time if you separated and it was too late for you to have children at all. You still have time now to do something about it. I bet that feeling if wanting children never goes away.

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