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I can't move on without closure.. 11 years later

(3 Posts)
Needclosureafter11yearsapart Wed 28-Jun-17 09:15:05

I heard recently my abusive ex from 11 years ago has finally sorted his life out

This is great news but has knocked me for 6 as I suppose I always thought if he sorted his life out we'd be a family again. But he's met someone (she was his drugs counsellor) and they've just had their 1st child together.

I can't tell you how sad this has made me. I suppose I never thought he would change..
I feel so mixed.

My initial feeling is I need to see him to finally close this chapter.
We had to have zero contact because he was an addict (to everything) a prolific offender and if I gave him an inch he would take a million miles!
(I do know he still has major anger issues but he's getting support for this)

But I just can't move on. I feel like I need to say my part. I need him to apologise for the abuse, I need him to thank me for single handidly bringing up his children, I need to tell him I'm sorry if I didn't realise what he'd been through as a child, that I'm so sad it never worked, that I wish it was us being a family now he's getting better..

But I'm scared shitless he could still be narcissistic and enjoy seeing me feeling any sort of emotion towards him. I'm scared I'll fall for him again. I'm scared it'll destroy me seeing them as a family.

But I can't go on with this huge cloud hanging over me. Maybe it'll do me good seeing them because it'll make me have to accept he's got a new life now.

Please help because I just don't know what to do 😢

Hekabe Wed 28-Jun-17 09:31:57

All sounds very difficult OP - and like there is a lot you need to process in the years that you were together.

However, (unless for the kids) I'd stay away from him. He's doing well and moved on, sadly without you - but that means you're left with the pieces.

The best advice I could give you, especially for closure, is to contact Al Anon (link below).

They are a lovely group designed to help those who have lived with addicts - it's amazing how much is affected, but we do not realise it.They will understand everything you are going through and be able to offer you guidance and support.

Best of luck.

Needclosureafter11yearsapart Wed 28-Jun-17 11:57:51

Thank you x I'll get onto them.

I never realised how damaged I am after all these years.
It's shocked me how I suddenly feel like I want him back now I know he's getting better.... sad

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