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Abortion help

(14 Posts)
user1498328647 Sat 24-Jun-17 19:34:37

Hello, I'm new too all of this and I just need some advice as nothing seems to be becoming clearer in my head.. I found out I was pregnant 5 weeks ago and a scan has shown I'm 9 weeks. I'm 20 years old and I have a 14 month old. I currently still live at home with my parents and I don't drive, I do work but I'm not where I want to be in life physically or financially. I'm still with my boys dad but we don't have the best relationship so we decided 6 months ago to live Separately. I had an abortion booked in on Friday and I couldn't go through with it, I bring up my little boy basically on my own and I wanted to build a better life for him before I had any more children but stupidly I fell pregnant again. I'm so stuck as I would love nothing more to have this baby but either way I feel selfish for either getting rid of it as it's my own fault I'm in this mess or selfish for keeping it and it not having the best circumstances and whether mentally I'd cope with 2 babies under 2. I do have support from family but I know that people won't be happy if I do keep it. I can't think about anything else and I really don't know what to do, I've got another abortion booked in for Wednesday and Thursday and nothing is becoming clearer in my mind sad advice please ? Xx

wheresthel1ght Sat 24-Jun-17 21:23:55

Am sending hugs hun. It is not an easy situation to be in and honestly I have no advice as have never been where you are. But do what feels right.

Do you have anyone in real life you cam confide in?.

flowersflowersbrewbrew

Hollmaebrown Sat 24-Jun-17 21:51:24

Thankyou. And my heads so 50/50 and I hoped by giving it more time I'd come to the right decision. I've talked to a few people but as I said it's not becoming clearer sad I thought that the best thing to do was not to have it as the circumstances I'm in but I've started feeling flutters and little movements already as I've got a really little build. And I don't know if morally I'd be able to do it now I can feel them :/ xx

wheresthel1ght Sat 24-Jun-17 22:50:19

You have to do what is best for you and your older child hun.

Have you spoken to your parents? I think you need their inout if you are living with them unless you could afford your own place before baby arrived.

As hard as it is, I think you need to take out the emotion and look at the practicality of your situation. And take it from there

Wonderment Sat 24-Jun-17 23:15:02

What would I do?

Ignore the rest of the world and fast forward my decision. Do I see my future with two children aged 18+, having done the hard yards (and of course the wonderful parts too!), and now reaping the reward of two adult children in my life.

Because it's for sure none of us will be the same in 18 years time. Circumstances change in a snap. You may not have your own place now but you will have by then.

I dunno. To me, people are more important than anything else, and I'd make my decision based on that.

You've said yourself you can feel the baby inside you, and that you couldn't cope with an abortion past 10 weeks. What is so magical about that one extra day between 9 weeks 6 days and 10 weeks? It sounds like you want to keep your baby but need to somehow justify it to people around you who may disapprove. I'm pretty certain that anyone who genuinely loves you wants the best for you, and that would mean doing what your heart tells you that you could cope with. Not forcing you to do something you couldn't cope with.

Hollmaebrown Sun 25-Jun-17 08:15:49

My mum has said she would support me whatever choice. I did take all the emotion out when I booked the first abortion and I knew it was the right thing to do. But it's absolutely killing me the thought of actually doing it and going through with it x

wheresthel1ght Sun 25-Jun-17 08:43:40

OK so other than the emotion what has changed from realistically from when you first booked the termination?

Honestly 9 weeks is far too early to be feeling any movement at all and is likely to be a psychosomatic reaction to the stress.

Hollmaebrown Sun 25-Jun-17 08:44:38

If my circumstances were different I wouldn't even have to doubt it. My OH wasn't great when my little boy was a newborn and I did the majority on my own now he's older he's better but he works 6 days a week 7-6.30 as a carpenter. So the only day he can spend the most time with us is Sunday as my little boy goes to bed at 7pm. I do rely on help from family I work 16 hours a week so my financial income isn't great. My plan was when he reached 2 years old I was going to put him in nursery for a few hours a week and finish off my driving lessons, go back to college and get the career I want for us and dedicate my time to getting us a place to live. I would love them to grow up together as I was a only child but as I've said the timing really isn't good. I've always wanted a second child but I wanted to get my life on track to give both children the best possible start. My nan passed away very suddenly in march, 2 days before my little boys 1st birthday and she was basically a mum to me we were so close and I can't help thinking she's sent me this blessing as I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and the only healthy pregnancy I've had was my son and now this one. I do strongly believe everything happens for a reason. I really really don't want to have an abortion I don't know if I could physically do it let alone mentally I already feel so guilty x

Hollmaebrown Sun 25-Jun-17 08:47:39

I never was 100% sure it it's what I wanted but I chose it as I believed it's the most sensible. I have a tiny build and I said to the lady at bpas the other day that when I lay down or I sit very still I can see and feel little movements, she said it's very well possible as I'm so little and it's my second child you can feel it a lot earlier

lapetitesiren Sun 25-Jun-17 09:02:36

You really seem to want to keep your baby. As another poster pointed out 18 years from now you will have overcome todays difficulties. It may be initially difficult when you tell people you are keeping your baby but this is your right to choose and your family sound supportive although they may express concern when you first tell them.Go with your heart op, it seems as if you are worrying about what others will think. It's how you feel that is the most important.

Hollmaebrown Sun 25-Jun-17 10:39:45

I would love this baby. I'm just not financially stable and whether mentally I'd be able to cope with 2 babies under 2. When I was pregnant with my little boy I was in agony from 15 weeks onwards I couldn't sleep or barely walk and had physio and had to give up work at 28 weeks. I'm worried I'm going to be in the same pain and not be able to look after my little boy as well x

Wonderment Sun 25-Jun-17 10:54:43

If my circumstances were different I wouldn't even have to doubt it.
If you wait for the perfect circumstances you'll be retired and then it's too late! My point is, you can always find a reason to say it's the wrong time: relationships, finances, career, housing... and on and on.

My OH wasn't great when my little boy was a newborn and I did the majority on my own now he's older he's better but he works 6 days a week 7-6.30 as a carpenter. So the only day he can spend the most time with us is Sunday as my little boy goes to bed at 7pm.

That's not uncommon. I'm in a similar boat with two children and an awful disease to make it much harder for me. I hold on to the fact that it gets physically and practically easier as they get older, and one day they'll be fully independent. People say that day comes much sooner than you think and I suspect they're right. Also, lone parents manage, don't they? You're not in that position but if they can do it so can you. It sounds like he's not going to give up carpentry anytime soon, so what's the difference between now or later?

I do rely on help from family I work 16 hours a week so my financial income isn't great. My plan was when he reached 2 years old I was going to put him in nursery for a few hours a week and finish off my driving lessons, go back to college and get the career I want for us and dedicate my time to getting us a place to live.
That all sounds great. But r also sound alike you'd only need to defer it for 2 years. That goes by in a blink of the eye. I remember my believe saying she couldn't apply for nursing because it's 3 years and she didn't know if she would want to nurse enough to stay the course, but I persuaded her to do it anyway, even though she wasn't sure, because at least while she's not sure she is getting a more decent wage than being a nursing assistant! She did it and was sooooooo thankful she did, as she's been able to apply for a mortgage as a fully qualified nurse. She now says those 3 years went by so fast it made her head spin!

Also, I don't see why you can't take driving lessons before that?

* I would love them to grow up together as I was a only child but as I've said the timing really isn't good. I've always wanted a second child but I wanted to get my life on track to give both children the best possible start.*
The best possible start it life itself, and a Mum like you who clearly thinks of all the angles and I am sure is a very good parent.

My nan passed away very suddenly in march, 2 days before my little boys 1st birthday and she was basically a mum to me we were so close and I can't help thinking she's sent me this blessing as I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and the only healthy pregnancy I've had was my son and now this one. I do strongly believe everything happens for a reason.
Two miscarriages are hard to go though. Sorry you had that. I can see how experiencing how pregnancy isn't a given, is quite a fragile and scary thought. I remember when I used to work on a first trimester clinic, so many women who miscarried wept more years over a past abortion than over the loss of the current pregnancy. They all said the same thing: "it's my fault, I should have kept the pregnancy when I had the chance, I always thought I could get pregnant when I am more ready" ... it was heartbreaking to see people suffer like that. Of course it's not always linked, because many people miscarry who have never aborted a pregnancy, though surgeons did say that the D&C procedure is forcing against the cervix causing unnaturally stretching and it can become weakened when trying to hold a future pregnancy. This is going back 20 years now and maybe they don't say that anymore. But the point being, I can understand why you've made that link and want to keep this pregnancy.

I really really don't want to have an abortion I don't know if I could physically do it let alone mentally I already feel so guilty

Then don't do it! If you fee like that on this side of the fence, I urge you not to ignore your inner voice. You know yourself better than we do, and if that's what you feel now then you really need to turn over every stone first. You have to carry this the test of your life: either aborting or keeping your baby. Both will change the course of your life forever, but one you will find easier to live with yourself over.

Wonderment Sun 25-Jun-17 10:59:46

* When I was pregnant with my little boy I was in agony from 15 weeks onwards I couldn't sleep or barely walk and had physio and had to give up work at 28 weeks. I'm worried I'm going to be in the same pain*
I had forceps delivery with my first child. It left me with horrendous SPD afterwards, which was a surprise because I didn't have it in pregnancy, which is when people normally have it. It took 2 years to finally go, and I was worried I'd get it in the second pregnancy too. But that one was EMCS and I was totally fine after, not so much as a twinge! So you may be worrying about nothing there. But, playing devils advocate, if it happens, you'll get through it because people do, and you'll have the reward of an addition to your family. Also, worrying about that would potentially stop you having another pregnancy ever, which you're saying you don't want to happen. So one day you'll have to bite the bullet!

VulvalHeadMistress Sat 01-Jul-17 06:27:44

When I was pregnant with my little boy I was in agony from 15 weeks onwards I couldn't sleep or barely walk and had physio and had to give up work at 28 weeks. I'm worried I'm going to be in the same pain and not be able to look after my little boy

On the one hand those worries are temporary.

One the other hand: you decided last week not to terminate, but it hasn't brought any relief from the turmoil in your brain.
If you imagine your life post termination do you imagine being even more determined for your son? It may well be the impetus to make big positive changes in your life.

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