MIL completely lost interest!(15 Posts)
For the past 6-8 months my MIL has (what seems like) completely lost interest in us including her baby grandson, he's 13 months.
When he was born she popped over once a week for a while but always on a Friday. Fridays are her 'days off'. She is retired so her day off means she doesn't have plans with friends. Fridays is also a busy day for me as I work from home on that day so suggested she come on other days as when she was around I felt as though I had to entertain her rather than her being any help with the baby. Not very hands on, I didn't tell her the reason just that I'm so busy and would rather be completely free.
Since then she hasn't been round at all, we moved to a new house in Jan and the only time she has been over was his birthday party last month. It's only a mile away from our old place so it's not the distance. There are no calls, no texts anymore. I send her pics of the baby and sent her a video on her birthday, I'll always say we miss her and look forward to seeing her. I asked her to meet for lunch any day one week and she replied 'we will see'! Never heard anything back.
My partner takes the baby round to her house occasionally but he will instigate the visit she doesn't ask to see him.
My partner isn't happy about it and thinks she makes no effort but I don't get why. Nothing has happened, everyone gets on well she just doesn't seem interested. When she's around him it's obvious she adores the baby and they buy him lots of present so it makes it even stranger.
My partner is making less of an effort as he's fed up by it now. She's in her 70's but in great shape.
Partner says to 'just leave it if that's how she wants to be' but I want her to be more involved and find out why she's keeping her distance.
At his party my baby shied away from her as she's practically become a stranger to him and I think that's so sad.
What would you do in this situation?
I don't have any advice to offer but I didn't want to read and run as it seems like this is genuinely getting to you
You're definitely doing the right thing for DS by making the effort to continue the relationship and if she's not responding that's her issue. There's only so much you can do and it's not fair that you have to get yourself stressed about it when she's the one who's disengaged with her grandchild
Hope things improve soon
I think she is hurt an taken great offence to you saying she shouldn't come over on Fridays. She may not understand the working from home responsibilities and I don't condone her behaviour but I think it is definitely that
It is obvious what happened - you asked her to stop coming on her day off!
Rightly or wrongly she didn't like it and has therefore give you the silent two fingers
Sorry what would I do? I would continue to sent photos and offer visits. Dh could go to her directly and ask straight out is it over the Friday thing
Oh and do consider if you asked her nicely etc
Yup - she's "punishing" you by refusing to take time out from her friends to accommodate your working day.
Up to you whether you give in to her petty power-play - but I wouldn't.
She's the one missing out, after all.
It sounds like she took you asking her to come on a different day, as an insult or something. But that's not your fault, you did nothing wrong and have tried to continue the relationship. Tbh I wouldn't do anything more, I would expect my dp to be speaking to her. It's his mother after all. He should say to her that you work from home on Fridays and so find it difficult to get your work done and play host, but that you'd love to see more of her at different times.
My in-laws have not made much effort with my dd since she was born. I found it upsetting at first, but have resigned to the fact that it's up to them. It still bothers me a bit but it's their loss. That's how I look at it.
I suspect she is either hurt or offended by what you have said about Fridays and is now waiting for you to contact her to make arrangements about when you would like to see her. You probably (and I'm sure unintentionally) made her feel like she was in the way and an inconvenience that you didn't want round.
And those saying that she is the one missing out, she is not; your son is missing out. A grandparent/grandchild relationship is a great thing to have.
Oh sorry - it's WWYD - and I've only said what I wouldn't do.
I'd hand the whole thing over to your DH and say "talk to your mother to see what the problem is" - see what he comes back with. I still wouldn't give in on the friday thing though!
Fairly obvious she is hurt about the Friday situation. Perhaps look at it from her point of view she dedicated her time off for your family to be told come another day which maybe made her feel unwanted and in the way. I would suggest taking the baby over to her house perhaps but definitely have a sit down with her and you yourself get to the bottom of it. The only reason I am saying you should do it rather than your husband is because this happened between you two and it's not nice sticking someone else in the middle of it. That's just my opinion I may be completely wrong but everyone deals with situations differently
I had a similar experience with MIL, DD was 2 weeks old & DH had gone back to work offshore. She rang at 7pm & asked if she could call round, I said did she mind coming another day as I hadn't had any tea or anything as yet, it was our first night on our own & I wanted to get her bathed etc & have a chill out myself.
I shit you not that was 5 years ago & she's never rang or text me since always rings DH's mobile. She sees DD about 4 times a year on special occasions & although civil to me at those times that's where the involvement ends!!
People are just fucking weird!! I'm still a bit over it all tbh. Personally I think she planned a pity party for herself but then it went on that long she can't get out of it. Her luck out tho, she got on my tits anyway!!
The difference here is that you are actually interested in seeing her so I would broach the subject & get it all out in the opening to avoid it dragging on too long. Tell her that you didn't mean to offend her with asking her to come another day but Friday & explain that it's harder for you when working from home or suggest she does come on a Friday & take DS out for a walk or something.
Thanks for all your replies.
DH was the one that spoke to her about the Friday thing so perhaps the way he put it didn't come across well which I didn't think of.
I didn't take any maternity leave as I run my own business so initially I thought her visits would be helpful but she'd bring cakes round and want to sit and chat, hold the baby the whole time he slept and I never got any work done.
Don't get me wrong I want to sit and chat and eat cakes with her but Fridays are busy.
I have invited her over on others days but she's been busy. I love that she has an active life but her busy days consist of the gym and lunch with her friends which she doesn't seem to be flexible on.
I spoke to DP again today and he again said just to leave it and if anything was wrong his dad or sister would have said something to him.
My mum is over all the time, always offering to take him out and babysit. If she could find one day a month I'd be happy with that and I suppose what really bothers me is that it doesn't bother her that she doesn't see him.
I forgot to mention visiting their house with the baby is always very nervy and you cant relax and let the baby wander round because of their dog. They have a rescue Rottweiler who is lovely but I definitely don't trust. The times I have been there they never put her in the garden and it puts me on edge.
Anyway...maybe I'll try and organise a family meal out on a weekend and chat to her then about seeing us more. If that doesn't work then I won't bother anymore!
Reading a bit more into it, I just think she is a very stubborn woman who loves her hobbies more than feeling the need to visit her grandson. You didn't take any maternity - you work hard and have a young child. She needs to recognise this and she is totally making her own bed. I wouldn't DX o much more.
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