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DF is cheating on DM. He says if I tell her he'll have to die.

(54 Posts)
namechanger19891111 Tue 30-May-17 14:22:24

Have nc'd for this as I have family who know I'm on here. Apologies for such a long post. I'll give a bit of backstory

- 3 months ago, my mum and I both recieved a message from a random woman on facebook who claimed my dad had been sleeping with her cousin, had told this woman's cousin that Dad claims he doesn't love my mum anymore and was now pissed off because the cousin had dumped her bf for him. Obviously this was a shock but I ignored it and later that night she sent us both screenshots of her messages with my dad, which was basically sexual messages. Think she sent them to me to properly embarrass him. DM, who I am very very close to, forgave him and they moved on.

I work in a tech team who repair mobile phones, my dad had an issue with his phone so on Sunday I took it to see if I could fix it. I only had it for 10 mins and 4 different women had texted him. So I snooped his text messages (yes I read my dad's texts which is weird but before you flame me for it, I'm not having him taking the piss out of my mum again).

One woman, the texts were "so glad I found you" "love you" "love you babe". Another one he'd texted "sexy boots today", another was just really graphic sexts which I had to stop reading.

I confronted him immediately and he broke down and said there was nothing in it. He swore on my 4 month old sons life that nothing was going on with any of these women, which I was completely disgusted at as it's there in black and white "love you babe".

He then begs me not to tell my mum, which I feel I really need to do. That evening he starts texting me saying he's been throwing up with guilt (which is what he said last time). My mum is supposed to be coming to mine tonight for dinner which is when I was going to tell her. He knows this, and I woke up to 15 missed calls from him. When I answered eventually my baby started crying halfway through the conversation, i said i have to go, DS is crying and he said "never mind him for a sec, listen to me I'm your dad" to which I replied that my son needed me and hung up. Voicemails and texts from him followed this afternoon threatening to kill himself if I tell her and that if I did "he'd have to die".

I don't know what to do. I can't get in touch with him now, when I tried to phone him back he texted me saying he doesnt want to talk now. I can't go on feeling like I'm lying to my mum and acting like everything is ok. After his comments regarding my son I dont want him round him at all at the moment.

If you've made it this far in my endless post, thanks for reading and any advice is massively appreciated.

Patriciathestripper1 Tue 30-May-17 14:26:04

Tell her. He's annoyed because he's been caught.

TemporalUser5k Tue 30-May-17 14:28:17

Do you think he would, or is he just saying whatever it takes for him to get his way as he clearly did before?

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 30-May-17 14:29:25

What an absolute prick! I'm so so sorry you're going through this, poor you and poor your Mum.

I wouldn't worry about his threats about dying, he's proven himself to be a complete liar and of course you need to tell your Mum.

Assuming they were conversations you saw and not just him messaging random women, then there's something going on with all of them.

Promising anything on your son's life is disgusting. I can't imagine appalled and disappointed you must be in him.

Lottapianos Tue 30-May-17 14:30:44

Tell her OP. His behaviour is foul, towards both you and your mum. He's been caught out and he's trying to terrify you into silence. What a bully. And it's pretty sickening to swear on your son's life when he was caught red handed. You owe him nothing

Bloomed Tue 30-May-17 14:31:04

Tell her. He's a manipulative arse.

BastardGoDarkly Tue 30-May-17 14:31:25

He's bluffing.

your poor mum deserves to know.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 30-May-17 14:32:08

Apart from the emotional side of things he is risking your dm's sexual health and she needs to know ASAP so she can get checked out. .

lockie1983 Tue 30-May-17 14:33:19

I don't think there is a choice here: tell her.

ijustwannadance Tue 30-May-17 14:33:19

Emotional blackmail. What a twat.

I would tell her but do you think she will just forgive him again?

rizlett Tue 30-May-17 14:33:43

If he chooses to 'die' that's his decision - and you would have no responsibility for this.

Whats really happening though is that he is prepared to say anything and overlook everyone (including his dgc) to keep the status quo.

I wonder if he's been like this for years and only just been caught out.

Normally I'd say leave well alone however he sounds extremely insensitive and is unfairly placing the guilt upon your shoulders.

This is not your monkey - give it back.

XxStefxX Tue 30-May-17 14:34:40

Oh good emotional blackmail now too!!! grass the twat up. You Dm deserves better.

Brogadoccio Tue 30-May-17 14:35:20

he won't kill himself, not if he has up to four women texting him within an hour.

He's making an absolute monkey out of your mother and I wouldn't allow it.

HerOtherHalf Tue 30-May-17 14:35:53

You are in a horrible situation but it is a situation he alone has created so he is at the bottom of the list when it comes to compassion. Only you can decide but I don't think I could be complicit in deceiving my mum if I were in your shoes. Imagine if she finds out later on that not only has he been screwing around but others in the family (e.g. you) knew and said nothing to her.

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 30-May-17 14:37:51

I'd have to tell her. He already has form for cheating so he'll just continue to do it.

PantPlot Tue 30-May-17 14:38:10

What a despicable man.

namechanger19891111 Tue 30-May-17 14:38:50

Thanks for the replies everyone!!

Temporal no deep down I don't think he would do it, i think he's saying it to scare me.

HerOtherHalf that's one of the reasons I feel like I have to tell her, i couldnt live with myself if she found out a year from now and then found out that I had known all along.

I know I definitely need to tell her but I'm really worried about the aftermath.

blue2014 Tue 30-May-17 14:40:07

What @rizlett says. I seriously doubt he will kill himself but if he does that is entirely his choice, his decision, his responsibility.

Do you think your mum would want to know?

MrsJamin Tue 30-May-17 14:41:18

You've got to tell her I'm afraid.

AgathaF Tue 30-May-17 14:42:25

If you don't tell your mum I think there's every chance that someone else will very soon. I doubt your Dad can make those threats to everyone who may potentially know and tell her. Far better and kinder to break the news to her yourself.

olderthanyouthink Tue 30-May-17 14:45:41

He's threatening to kill himself while putting you DMs physical and emotional health at risk, tell on the bastard (TOTB?)

Neverknowing Tue 30-May-17 14:45:56

If he's able to do this to you, how is he treating your mum apart from cheating on her? He sounds emotionally abusive to me. Would you ever say something like that to your son? I think you have to be a certain type of person, your mum may just need this push to leave an abusive relationship.
Obviously this is just me musing but I really do think you have to be a certain type of person to emotionally blackmail someone by saying you'd kill yourself.

purplecoathanger Tue 30-May-17 14:46:02

I'm very sorry to read that you've been placed into such a horrible situation. If it were me, I would tell my father that he has to tell your mum. I would take a step away from being involved in the telling myself but I would insist on being present when he tells her, (to make sure he does).

It's unforgivable that he has placed you in this situation. flowers

notanurse2017 Tue 30-May-17 14:47:39

Tell her.

Squishedstrawberry4 Tue 30-May-17 14:48:12

Tell him you're not prepared to be blackmailed into silence. And if he feels suicidal he should see his GP as a matter of urgency. You can see that he's finding it difficult to take responsibility for his poor behaviour but there is now way you cannot tell your mum. She deserves her husband and daughters honesty.

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