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Didn't get birthday present, feeling unappreciated.

(18 Posts)
user1495559088 Tue 23-May-17 18:25:16

My boyfriend of a year (m, 33) didn't get me a birthday present. Not just that but he didn't bother to say happy birthday or have anything special planned for the day. No cake or celebration, just a card signed from his family. He came over an hour late and got a free meal with me from my family. For his birthday, I gave him thoughtful gifts that he liked and we took a weekend hotel trip together. For me, nothing.

I spend a lot of time and money coming to see him weekly and made it clear to him I need more effort on his part in terms of spending time together.. I told him I felt really let down that even two weeks after my birthday he still hadn't bothered. I ended up coming through and just choosing a couple of things for myself, £20 in total.. it's not about the things it's just the effort and showing he cares that would have mattered..

His birthday is in a couple of months and I'm now reconsidering getting him the things I wanted to give him, baking him a cake again and making his day special. Is that selfish and wrong? Because I honestly give far far more effort, money and time into being with him than he gives back and he doesn't appreciate it at all. I do not want to leave him, I want him to understand why I'm hurt and I can't decide if I should treat his birthday the same as last time or give what he gave to me.

SafeToCross Tue 23-May-17 18:35:30

Take a step back and say you are reconsidering the relationship.

leighdinglady Tue 23-May-17 18:38:45

Do you think that 'giving him a taste of his own medicine' will make him care more about you or your feelings? It won't. It'll just give him ammunition for 'well you didn't do anything for mine either!'

You can't make someone love you more or be more emotionally intelligent. You just have to pick a better partner. After just one year together, it's only likely to go one way

Ginslinger Tue 23-May-17 18:41:00

walk away

kittybiscuits Tue 23-May-17 18:43:19

Stop going to so much effort to see him. Stop spending money on him and being thoughtful. Step back now and think about yourself. Think about how you would want things to be and what you deserve. When you have adjusted to not seeing him and have shifted all the focus to yourself, consider whether there is anything this person will bring to your life.

Mermaidinthesea123 Tue 23-May-17 18:46:12

Dump that p[iece of shit, if he's like that now and you aren't even married just imagine what he will be like in 30 years time.
Dump him on his birthday.

kittybiscuits Tue 23-May-17 18:47:19

By text. Because he's worth it.

Sparkletastic Tue 23-May-17 18:49:31

End it. And stop setting your sights so low.

BackforGood Tue 23-May-17 18:51:05


There's no point in getting in to some sort of 'tit for tat' - how is that going to help you or the relationship ?
However, if you like a lot of other things about him, then it is worth talking with him about how that made you feel, and how it makes you feel to have somebody demonstrate that they care / that you are special to them . Not everybody needs that. If you do, and he doesn't do it intuitively, then explain what you like / want, and then see how it goes. If he can't take it on board, then, at that point you can decide if his good points are worth putting up with the bad, but at least you will have tried to make it work.

BackforGood Tue 23-May-17 18:52:06

er, not sure what happened there hmm

Should have said This You can't make someone love you more or be more emotionally intelligent.

ImpetuousBride Tue 23-May-17 19:01:48

You say you've already spoken to him about making more effort - has he made any progress? If he has the core traits of a taker not a giver it'll take a good while (if ever) to change that. Meanwhile you'd be unhappy with him every time he doesn't meet your expectations. Sounds like an ass to be honest.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-May-17 19:04:25

Dump him. He's a selfish user and won't change.

BananaPie Tue 23-May-17 19:40:29

Not everyone cares about presents etc. Perhaps it didn't occur to him that you would be bothered. But since you were bothered, you should talk to him about it!

Badliar Tue 23-May-17 19:43:06

I wouldn't bother. No way would I be baking a cake for someone who couldn't be arsed to do a single thing.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-May-17 19:43:40

Oh come on, BananaPie. He cared about his own presents. She even had to pay for his meal on her birthday. No card, nothing. That isn't right.

ohfourfoxache Tue 23-May-17 19:46:48

Don't walk - run.

user1495559088 Tue 23-May-17 20:21:08

Wow thanks everyone! I wasn't expecting so many responses smile

Well, we've had a lot of issues since then. I put my foot down and told him what I want, expect from the relationship, gave him examples of ways he's not treating me as an equal. I also told him I'm hoping for marriage and kids and want to know if he's the right partner to have that with.
It's been very mixed. I got flowers from him once as an apology for letting me down, but I feel I only got that because things got SO bad that I said we need to take a break. I thought after all that he'd step up but he hasn't. He says he gets stressed and that I expect too much- but in reality I hardly expect anything at all. All I want is daily communication and his attention when I'm with him. We're trying to work through the issues and seeing how it goes now. I don't want to give up because I do truly love him, even though he's a bit of a boyfriend at times. I just don't know if I should put my heart out again to have it thrown back at me and be back here again in a few months..

FanSpamTastic Tue 23-May-17 20:24:23

My advice is walk away now. They don't change, it doesn't get better. Whatever irritates you now will be 20 x worse after kids and 10 years down the line.

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