Is MIL being too flippant about the situation? *SENSITIVE TOPIC* Potential Trigger*(19 Posts)
I don't want to drip feed, but I also don't want to give too much information out as this is quite an unusual situation.
Please be kind as I'm a bit of a hormonal mess and this is really long.
I have a MIL who likes to be involved as much as possible with our dc, however, it can sometimes go awry.
She has ended up being heavily involved with her dp's children and their partners/grandkids etc. Often to the detriment of her relationship with her son (my DH) and her gc (our dc + other gc in other parts of the country).
One of the girlfriends of her DP's son is very poorly a lot of the time and has some emotional issues, quirky behaviour, and somewhat crazy behaviour.
I was initially friendly with the lady at first but a lot of her "stuff" (for want of a better word) started to negatively impact on my life and, most importantly, my child's life. SO... as you can imagine I've tried to distance myself as much as possible but as politely as possible.
I blocked her on social media but she keeps creating new accounts to find me, and randomly speak to me much to my annoyance . She also managed to get hold of my new mobile number a few weeks ago and call me and grill me about potty training of all things!? I
When I had my dc1 I was initially offered a lot of support from MIL, but then this other lady ended up getting pregnant unexpectedly at a similar time and any support I had got taken away pretty quickly.
It ended becoming a little bit.... tug of warish, with my MIL during pregnancy and with the babies (this lady calls MIL "her mummy" etc which I find so bizarre, she would also see on MIL's iphone tracking she was at our house and phone her every time she came to see DGC, when MIL she switched this off she would ring her mobile constantly until she answered).
It culminated in her calling in "crisis" numerous times she was meant to spend with my dc, helping us out, babysitting, general day to day family stuff. We had to come home early from our anniversary dinner (first time out in 2 years) because she rang up MIL in hysterics which ended up being an argument with her boyfriend over a hi-fi speaker.
In the end, I gave up trying to actively have a relationship with my MIL because of it. She would moan (MIL) but wouldn't do anything to stop the other lady's behaviour.
DH and I drew a line under it and decided if that was going to be par for the course so be it. MIL got narky with me and assured me that her gc was more important but it was a case of her winning our trust back having been let down numerous amounts of times. She has started over the last few months be reliable and we've, in turn, had more to do with her again.
When we found out that we were expecting dc2, we were totally over the moon as you can imagine. The other lady then found out from MIL's partner and apparently said "Oh how wonderful if we could have kids similar age again!"
She had been told she could not have any more children, her boyfriend (DP's son) had said he didn't want to have any more children, she was also told by medical professional having children could kill her.
She then confessed to messing with her contraception and lo and behold she became pregnant, against everybody's wishes and advice. She apparently got quite angry that nobody was pleased for her and then proceeded to organise herself a huge baby shower (this was at about 8 weeks pregnant!)
The whole of her pregnancy she has been having liver issues, heart issues, horrendous sickness, she's signed off, passing off her child to be watched by other people (her child also has learning difficulties, aggressive behaviour and is currently being assessed, he's not allowed to go near my dc because when they have met dc ended up with a black eye) .
She has been told if she MUST have the baby at 28 weeks via c-section, otherwise she will have multiple organ failure and die.
She has to go in weekly to be seen and is asked each time if she wants to end the pregnancy but she has stated that they cannot "make her" do anything. (Not up for debate what's right or wrong here, but just to highlight the severity of the situation overall).
Her C-section has now been booked and it's own my due dat. I've asked my FIL who is the only person we can really ask (or trust) to watch DC1 (my parents are deceased, other family live far away, no real friend network that suits the situation).
I will not, however, ask MIL for help/childcare for labour etc.
MIL has got really angry with me because of this and has told me she will not help this other lady whatsoever (childcare, support, general day to day stuff) because she is a "stupid girl" and has "made her bed", DP agrees etc and because of that I should let her take DC whilst I'm in labour.
And whilst I agree that the other lady is probably a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, I think my MIL is wildly underestimating how much support they really are going to need to give her, the baby and the remainder of the family in the long run. Whether or not she agrees with the situation, but in general (and being a good human being!)
MIL is now getting narky with me (just what you need in the third trimester ) because I won't ask her to have dc1 when I go into labour and I am apprehensive to make any other arrangements for her to do with childcare (she takes DC1 occasionally because she wants to spend time with them rather than us needing childcare).
I don't want to commit to using MIL when a) she has let down my dc1 numerous times b) has let me down numerous times c) is probably saying what she thinks is what I want to hear and d) is wildly generalising what is essentially a very, very sad situation with a very poorly baby, no matter how things have come to this point.
DH doesn't want much to do with MIL, he's very much "you cross me, you're dead to me" and they've never had a brilliant relationship.
Should I stand firm with our arrangements knowing that, ultimately, she is being daft they will end up helping out this lady and his son, and their family, loads or allow her the "benefit of the doubt" and arrange some backups.
Without meaning to sound selfish af, especially considering the situation, it's adding a whole other level of confusion and stress to what should be a happy time, and despite doing my best to distance myself from this individual their "head in the clouds, denial" behaviour is once again impacting negatively on my child(ren). And I feel awful for being angry at her, but I am.
OK, ready to get flamed now! hides
I take it her partner isn't your husband's father?
And the person you have asked is?
If I have understood correctly then I would stick with your plans. Explain that her inconsistent behaviour isn't compatible with your need for childcare when you give birth.
No her partner is the OM, she left FIL for.
FIL is a lot more involved than MIL as well, and completely and utterly dependable.TBH I don't even know why I'd consider anybody else watching DC but things do happen etc.
We have explained to her that logistically it's easier for us to ask FIL, he's also a lot more flexible, has keys to our house etc. She has said that it's unfair and that she won't "let us down", "it's all in the past", "my family come first" etc. and it's becoming a little bit grating.
DH hasn't even told her yet I don't want her DP visiting the baby for the first couple of weeks yet. That'll go down well
TBH reading all that back I can't help but feel that MIL is seeing this from a "being spiteful, akward" angle rather than our "this makes more sense logically angle, whatever the situation" angle.
Just keep FIL as the point of call. MIL will most likely be busy when the time comes. If your DH isn't fussed with having a relationship with his mother neither should you be.
I do agree with you Silverthorn, I'm just a bit of a softie and having lost my own parents I put a lot (too much) emphasis on parental relationships .
She wants to be involved with the DC and has had a couple of MH breakdowns etc so I do worry about her.
I think I'm probably an easy target tbh, especially when I'm a hormonal mess.
I agree, keep arrangements with FIL. The other lady sounds like she needs a lot of support and MIL can't say no. I feel sorry for the other lady's dc as it sounds very turbulent at home. Maybe that's why MIL is so involved? You need someone who is stable and keeps their word.
FIL is a lot more involved than MIL as well, and completely and utterly dependable
Um, it's just that simple then isn't it. The rest of it isn't really relevant to childcare for your DC while you're having your new baby. It's help for you and DH, not a favour for the person you ask.
So often in these awkward family dynamics it's the DH pretending all is well and the OP having a mare about the dysfunction. If your DH is happy to spend time with and ask favours from his Dad and isn't at all keen on being in debt to or spending time his Mum, I'd count your blessings and give it no further thought. You're not punishing her are you? You're allowed to ask for help from whomever you like, in this case it's your FIL, and you don't need to give it any further thought.
I'm sure you're right and one the DBIL's new baby is here your MIL will be distracted and wanting to support SIL, but that's also not really relevant I don't think.
Make your own plans, be happy with them, don't discuss them or be drawn into defending them.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, try and enjoy the rest of it
Thanks, everybody. If I wasn't pregnant it wouldn't even be an issue, but I have a lot of hormones raging through my body causing me to be somewhat unhinged!
I know that relying on my FIL is the smart thing to do and just ignore any emotional blackmail that may come from my MIL, she'll soon be distracted with the other happenings anyway.
I think I'm also finding the whole situation the other lady so deplorable/unbelievable and partially wanted to rant about it. I just can't understand the logic behind it and how if you've been told such things you would risk your life, and your child's parent, for it.
IABVVVU I know, but I feel so sorry for those kids and annoyed that my children, who are already are two grandparents down, will probably miss out with their only living GM because of this lady interfering and manufacturing events/incidents etc.
She has her own parents, her own grandparents, siblings, cousins, her boyfriend's mum is still around so they have a huge support network and big family, but I guess MIL just doesn't say no (or hasn't cottoned on like them or has a tendency to fold easier).
Even whilst writing this post she has just tagged me in an Instagram post (WHY!? Plus that'll be the fourth username I've got to now block, it's also my business Instagram too so I can't even make it private) all about her "Wonderful boyfriend" and how their relationship is "so strong" , who needs marriage and she understands why he won't marry her but they don't need it, I'm so lucky to have a "perfect family".
It's all very sad and silly, and I'm sure it's based on jealousy but I really wish I could scream at her to fuck off and leave me alone.... but that would cause even more drama. Sigh. It's hard to rise above it all when it's constant....
OP, JESUS. This sounds so stressful! Deep breaths. And stick with your FIL.
She tagged you in an instagram post going on about how perfect her boyfriend is even if he won't marry her
As mentioned she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. I have no idea why she tagged me in this (along with other random people including some bloke who seems to be in Russia?)
Tbh I have no idea why. Her boyfriend is corn beef when my dh is definitely fillet steak No jealousy on my part there for certain.
She also uses hashtags with their full names (including middle names) where they live and puts up photos of his other kids without their mum's permission. It's all very weird.
Out of interest why don't you want MIL's partner to see your baby for the first few weeks?
Nothing sinister or mean on my part. I just remember how raw and nasty I felt after labour last time and people turning up who I don't consider direct family put me on edge.
He's got a bit of an awkward vibe about him as well which puts me on edge at the best of times. Let alone trying to get breastfeeding established.
Plus him and fil can't be in the same place at the same time and I'd hate to have to turf out fil or him to turn up when he was here.
Only people I want around in those first couple of weeks are Dh, dc, fil, mil and my sister if she is about.
Who you leave your DC1 with is nothing to do with your MIL's DP.
Your MIL is sadly reaping the consequences of her own choices. It's not about punishment or spitefulness, it's about needing to make the best choice for your child.
Quite clearly the best, most reliable choice is your FIL. End of discussion.
Going into labour isn't something that can be postponed or rearranged if she can't make it at the last minute.
Why give yourself additional stress?
If she asks again just say "we love you, and your role as Grandmother is very important to us but this is the decision we have made, we aren't going to change our minds. I don't want to discuss it further. "
Ha. Your not-SIL needs a reliable person to help, and so do you. Pretend not to hear MIL's barbs. She's rebelling, a bit, against her own martyrdom, but isn't doing anything practical to follow through, so you're not required to follow through, either.
If you are even just here to vent, vent away! The not-SIL and your MIL sound like a complete nightmare. I'm exhausted just reading this!
Ignore, detach, ignore!
Good luck for a healthy birth!
I think you sound quite nasty, this woman has problems, and no you certainly don't come across as a "bit of a softie".
Show some compassion.
Did u have a thread about this before?
I can't understand why your MIL can't put her OWN gc first. But it's such a complicated situation especially with this other woman having her own family as support but it's just clear that she is jealous and she has some serious issues.
Even if your MIL says she will be there, she won't as this other woman's circumstances are so sad, and she does need serious help. Just go with your FIL and it's good your DH is with u on all this. I would avoid MIL as much as possible because she is causing u nothing but stress when it should b such a happy time for u. If it makes life easier just play along with what she says or else get DH to have words with her.
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