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Would you try to find him?

(12 Posts)
Hidingtonothing Sat 20-May-17 00:11:23

My dad left my DM just before I was born for OW and never pursued contact with me or my older DB. I'm now 42 and feeling quite conflicted about whether I would like to try to trace him. It pops into my head every so often and has done for many years so part of me thinks I probably do need to at least try but it throws up some fairly major issues for me.

The biggest is my DM, he completely betrayed her and I don't think she ever really got over it despite remarrying so it kind of feels like I would be throwing back in her face everything she did for me growing up. I know she would feel betrayed if I tried to track him down and I can understand why, he treated her very badly and left her to bring me and DB up alone, he paid minimum child support and did absolutely nothing else for us, not even birthday or Christmas cards.

So my first question is would I be wrong to put my need to know where I come from above the hurt I know it will cause my DM and the potential damage it could do to my (currently extremely close) relationship with her if I did try to find him? Part of me thinks my DM deserves better than a DD who would even consider it.

And then there's my reasons for wanting to find him, there is an element of needing to know where I come from, what my father looks like etc but I can't deny there is also a bigger than I'd like to admit part of me that just wants to be able to tell him we didn't need him anyway, that we turned out just fine without him, kind of a 'fuck you' I suppose which, although momentarily satisfying, I'm not sure is healthy or productive really. So I suppose my second question is one only I can answer, would I be doing it for the right reasons?

I just feel like I might be running out of time, we're all getting older and, if I am going to do it, I feel like I just need to get on with it. It's unlikely to be an easy search as I have little information and no living links to his side of the family whatsoever so I would be pretty much starting from scratch and I know it can be a long process.

Sorry this ended up so long, think I just needed to get it out. Objective opinions on this are more than welcome, I just feel like I'm going round in circles with it.

kittytom Sat 20-May-17 00:22:23

I think all the different feelings you are having about this sound normal OP. I can't pretend to understand your situation - on balance I would like to think I wouldn't put myself through the stress, but think that like you part of me wouldn't be able to ever truly park it.

For that reason I think you should find someone to talk to (a counsellor) before you do anything. I also think that might help you feel able to discuss with your mum your intentions of doing it before you do without damaging your relationship, which is a stress you don't need if you are close.

From what I know about counsellors, a psychodynamic (I think!) one would help you to work out how you feel about it all, and help you communicate that to your mum, and possibly then your dad if you decide to go ahead.

Floralnomad Sat 20-May-17 00:26:17

Only you know if you 'need' to do this , but the one thing I would say is if you really want to say 'we didn't need you fuck you' , you say that best by not bothering to find him . He's obviously never been bothered to try and find you or your brother and by looking for him it does look like you are bothered .

Hidingtonothing Sat 20-May-17 13:48:35

I don't know that I care that I will 'look bothered', I think it would be pretty weird if I wasn't tbh. I'm not really worried what he thinks of my reasons for looking for him, the concern about me wanting that 'fuck you' moment is whether it's healthy for me, not what it looks like to him.

That all sounds sensible Kitty, will have a look for the right kind of therapist in my area, thank you.

kittytom Sat 20-May-17 16:52:13

I agree, of course you are bothered and it doesn't matter if he knows that. You can be bothered and want to say 'fuck you' too. I think in this situation any way you feel is understandable, even if it changes every day. Good luck finding a therapist, I think it is worth doing either way given the circumstances.

Hidingtonothing Sat 20-May-17 17:29:11

Yes, I think my feelings about him do need unravelling regardless of what I decide about finding him and hopefully that decision will become clearer as part of the process. Really sensible advice Kitty, thank you flowers

MinkowskisButterfly Sat 20-May-17 18:04:06

I would, my Dad died last month, alone - he had been am estranged from us for a long time and I kept thinking I should try and contact him and now it is too late. It transpires he tried to find me but my mum sent him packing. sad Don't leave it if you think you might refer it.

MinkowskisButterfly Sat 20-May-17 18:04:47


Hotpinkangel19 Sun 11-Jun-17 16:21:46

Totally different but my DF has 2 daughters from his first marriage, I don't know what happened but he remarried my mum and I was born. I've spoken to my DF and he says he wouldn't contact them now in case he upsets them, maybe this is how your DF feels?

EezerGoode Sun 11-Jun-17 16:26:42

He rejected you that not enough? You want to find him,for him to reject you you not think ,if he had second thoughts he would of looked for you in the last 40 + years.once a twat always a twat..I sound harsh because I've walked your path x

SnobblyBobbly Tue 13-Jun-17 23:22:00

I think I would try and find him to lay ghosts to rest and satisfy my own curiosity.

While my father died when I was very young so not all elements are the same, I can definitely relate to wanting to just see what he looks like, and wondering what he's like.

Due to my own circumstances, I'm pretty sure my idea is somewhat romanticised, but I really wish I had the chance to find those things out about my own father, so if I were you I'd take it.

Atenco Wed 14-Jun-17 00:08:52

I hate to say this but I don't think you should have to take your mother's feelings into account in this situation. And I say as someone who was a single mother.

I do know of one person who found their father and it turned out that their mother had refused to let them have anything to do with the family, and I say that as someone who am not at all enamoured of men who abandon their children.

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