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Wedding-should I tell my dad he can't come?!

(10 Posts)
cheesycheesywotsits Thu 18-May-17 13:14:40

Estranged father dilemma! Long story short, my dad has never been a key part in my life and moved 300 miles away when I was 16, went missing for a year and has just generally been a let down throughout my life. We have an ok relationship now but I'm not really bothered about him being in my life to be honest, sometimes it just brings more hassle.

My stepdad is a wonderful man and does anything for me and my little family. Wedding is 10 weeks away and I have told my dad that my stepdad and mom will be sat on the top table and my dad and his wife will be sat with my brother at a guest table. I also told him my mom was walking with me down the aisle. He wasn't impressed but I was shocked that he was so surprised by these arrangements. He really hasn't been a model father and has only met my daughter twice. He can be a violent, hot headed man when he wants to be, especially after a drink, so I asked him if he could behave himself and he has decided that he is only going to attend the ceremony, have a photograph and then leave.

My problem is that he hates my stepdad (my mom and my stepdad were childhood sweethearts reunited a few years ago), and I'm afraid that he will kick off when it's time to leave the ceremony, especially if me and hubby are away having photos. My only wedding stress has been this and I honestly don't know what to do. Should I ask him not to come altogether or should I just trust that he will leave in a dignified manner? I'm afraid he'll turn up anyway if I tell him he's not invited confused

Thanks for reading my rambling! blush

AgathaF Thu 18-May-17 13:33:04

Have you talked to your mum about this, or your brother? I think you need to go with your gut instinct. No-one can answer this question for you, but take advice from people who are close to you, who understand the dynamics of your family, and have experience of your dad.

cheesycheesywotsits Thu 18-May-17 13:51:11

I've had many discussions and the general outcome is me saying I just don't want him there. It's going to be stressful enough without worrying about him kicking off but I'm also at risk of having him turn up and kicking off anyway sad my mom also thinks that he's a loose cannon and will not consider my needs or feelings so may well say or do something. She doesn't think he'll travel 300 miles to be turned away from the ceremony but I'm not convinced unfortunately! If I do this then ultimately it means cutting him out of my life all together which I'm not even slightly upset about to be honest. His new wife wouldn't really step in either so I can't really discuss it with her (she's only 9 years older than me and is very much under his "spell").

I think I know what I have to do but I'm just worried that each scenario will result in some sort of bust up, I'm just trying to figure out which is going to be the least risky option! Thanks for replying x

AgathaF Thu 18-May-17 14:36:03

I think you have your answer there then. Uninvite him. Of the two scenarios, if he remains invited then he'll definitely be there and will quite possibly cause a scene. If not invited then there's only a chance that he'll turn up, and probably the bigger chance that he won't.

Can you notify your venue that he's not to be admitted if he does turn up? Tell them to call the police rather than disturb your reception?

onalongsabbatical Thu 18-May-17 14:43:28

You owe him nothing, cheesy. Based on what you've said, I think I'd go with the univite. And the quicker the better, it'll give him a chance to get angry and get over it before the wedding happens!
You sound so very clear that you don't need him - bloody well done for being free of someone who's messed you about.
So glad you have a lovely, supportive stepdad. He's the one that counts.

cheesycheesywotsits Thu 18-May-17 15:26:49

Agatha I guess I just wanted an outsider's opinion on the situation, everyone around me is fully supportive of my decision if I go ahead and not at all surprised! I may give my venue a call to just give them a heads up and see what they say. I would just rather not have ANY trouble but unfortunately there are no guarantees with him.

Sabbatical my stepdad is a wonderful man, he's done more for me the past 6 years than my dad has done for me my whole life so there was never any doubt about him being a key pet in our special day. Unfortunately, my dad has a tendency to guilt trip and tug on the heart strings but I've been adamant that I'm not going to feel guilty because it's not me that's done anything wrong. I have to keep telling myself that!

Any girl would love to have that idealistic father-daughter relationship but he's never stepped up. He wouldn't even know me well enough to put a speech together so I have no idea why he thought he was so entitled to playing the dad role in our wedding, especially when he's had so little input. These privileges are earned and he may think he has rights (in his words, 'I've waited twenty-odd years for this day') but I don't think he deserves them.

Thank you for your input lovely ladies grin

onalongsabbatical Thu 18-May-17 15:46:44

It's his ego, cheesy.
By the way, congratulations and have a fab wedding. Don't want you back here in ten weeks saying, my dad was horrible at my wedding, ok? grin

DarthMaiden Thu 18-May-17 15:51:40

Sadly there has been a number of similar threads to yours on MN over the years.

I'm always shocked at the level of entitlement some estranged/semi-estranged parents seem to have.

They feel they have a right to insert themselves into key events and celebrations by virtue of a biological relationship, but fail to comprehend that being a mother/father is not the same thing as being a parent.

A parent is someone who has loved, cherished nurtured and supported their child. A parent is someone who you want to share your special times with and who deserves a place at the "top table" in recognition of all they have done for you.

You wouldn't send a wedding invite to a sperm donor - I know that sounds harsh, but from what you've described that's his sole contribution to your life.

It's your day and personally I wouldn't risk him doing anything to spoil it for you, your OH, DM and DSF. Uninvited him and tell the venue he is not to be admitted. Brief close friends and ushers if you have them.

Have a wonderful day flowers

OlennasWimple Thu 18-May-17 15:56:51

Uninvite him.

Tell the venue he's not to be admitted.

Ask your brother to help keep an eye out for him and diffuse any situation that might arise.

Ask your dad to meet you for dinner when you get back from your honeymoon so that you can show him your wedding photos (he will likely refuse, fro what you have said, but it allows you to be the bigger person in offering the olive branch)

Have a lovely wedding!

cheesycheesywotsits Fri 19-May-17 12:40:02

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement! I will speak to him over the weekend, the sooner the better for both of us. I'm actually looking forward to stressing about normal wedding/bride worries rather than having this hang over me grin x

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