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Friend in abusive situation *TRIGGER WARNING*

(8 Posts)
mayoli Thu 11-May-17 15:43:39

Hello, I need some advice on my friend's situation, and how to help her.

Backstory (this is going to be long, but I don't want to dripfeed). I lived in a homeless hostel three years ago, I was there for a year. The friend who needs help moved in two weeks after I moved in. We became best friends/sisters almost straight away, and moved out around the same time too. We relate to each other for most things, we're each other's constant. We're currently nineteen, we met when we were sixteen and had both came from abusive families.

Six months into us living at the homeless hostel, she got a boyfriend who I sensed as dodgy straight away. I tried to warn her but she didn't listen. The staff at the hostel were also worried and tried to help her but she didn't listen to any of us and pushed us all away majorly. She's never been a drinker, but suddenly she's smoking and drinking. Fast forward another six months and I move out of the hostel and then a week later she's kicked out for fighting sad This isn't the girl I knew and I knew it was his influence.

Fast forward to now and we're still close as anything, although obviously she's still not listening because they're still together. I despise him, he's awful and abusive and the amount of times I've had to let her stay at mines to recover after physical abuse, it's awful. Anyway, now I'm settled, have a job etc and I'm TTC. She's 15 weeks pregnant at the moment and he's still being abusive. She's not telling me as much because she knows I worry which makes me think it's worse. More than anything she's worried that her baby will be taken off her if she reports the abuse- she's a care leaver and doesn't want her baby in care. I've reassured her that that's not how it works but she's adamant that it'll happen that way. I've offered for her to move in with me to sort herself out and get away from him, she was warming to the idea and then suddenly started talking about how amazing he is and how that doesn't need to happen anymore. I've tried EVERYTHING- and worse now they're tied financially through the DWP so they're getting couples income rather than single, which will make things worse in terms of her trying to leave, if I can convince her to. I should also probably mention that she's not smoking or drinking anymore as she really wants this baby to be healthy and happy.

Any advice? I feel like I've tried everything. I'm worried about her and her baby- he's been physically abusive and what if she loses the baby after being hit? I'm so so so worried and totally out of ideas. Anyone?

Thanks sad

qazxc Thu 11-May-17 15:56:42

Sadly I don't think there's much you can do. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can only let her know you are there for her.
When the baby comes, the situation will change though. As there will be the safety and welfare of a child to consider. If the situation doesn't change, ss will have to be notified.

SnapCrackleOutOfIt Sat 13-May-17 17:58:04

You're both 19? You've been through so much for being so young. I'm not being judgemental - my mother had me and she was a teenager. She wishes she had waited til her mid 20s at least, she felt she was a child bringing a child into the world

Your friends midwife won't be stupid neither will her GP - they'll know her history and will keep an eye on the pregnancy and the baby.

I think you should wait though rather that TTC so young. Live your life a little. You're so young

BrickInTheWall Sun 14-May-17 10:25:01

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. You can't make her want to leave and the more you push it the more likely she is to defend him.

Let her know you are there for her no matter what and if she ever needs to get away she can come to you or call you anytime.

Hoe would you feel about reporting anonymously to the police? You could say you are a concerned neighbour and you have heard him beating up his pregnant girlfriend 3 times this week.
The police can't make her leave either but may give her a wake up call?

ASauvingnonADay Sun 14-May-17 10:31:10

I feel so sad for her 😔 such a difficult situation. As a PP has said, there are welfare issues around the unborn baby. I think she needs support. You could report through nspcc anonymously (there's a report a concern form online). It is only going to get more stressful and pressured once the baby is born, and there is the potential for dire consequences. It's so sad that she is already scared of having her baby taken, meaning she can't/won't access the support she needs.

ASauvingnonADay Sun 14-May-17 10:33:37

Your friends midwife won't be stupid neither will her GP - they'll know her history and will keep an eye on the pregnancy and the baby.
That's assuming she has been attending any medical appointments. Sometimes women who are scared of losing their babies will hide the pregnancy and avoid any involvement with professionals. Hopefully this isn't the case. OP - do you know if she has?

gamerwidow Sun 14-May-17 10:34:41

It's sad but you can't do anything other than be there if you can . Only your friend can make the decision to leave and at the moment she won't because she loves her DP and thinks he will change (he won't).
It is hard having someone you love in an abusive relationship. It's almost like loving an addict because although the relationship is hurting them they think they can't live without it. They will do anything to protect the relationship including lashing out at anyone who challenges their deluded view of it and it is hard listening to all the lies and excuses they use to defend their partner.
I've had 4 years of this with my sister and I've had to walk away because I can't sit in silence when she takes him back again (and again) and I can't keep being the one she kicks out against when she's trying to pretend their relationship normal.

mayoli Mon 15-May-17 07:30:57

Hello, sorry, forgot how to find threads haha!

@qazxc Yeah, I really feel like there's nothing I can do. Which sucks. Because seeing her hurt like this breaks me. But I can't let this continue, especially after bub is born.

@SnapCrackleOutOfIt I understand your concern around me wanting a child so young, but this thread isn't about me. I guess it's enough to say that I tried 'just living' and I got bored- I tried to do average teenager/young adult things and found that I wasn't connecting with folk my own age (this friend is the only friend I have who is anywhere near the same age as me), and emotionally I connect deeply with 25+. I have an adult life that I cherish deeply, and I'm a very busy person, but wanting to parent overrides that. I really hope the midwife does keep a close eye as the friend is refusing to tell her anything!

@ASauvingnonADay Oh, I didn't know you could report to NSPCC! I'm going to keep that in mind if she refuses to tell and it looks like it continues. I've told her that abuse gets worse after baby being born, I've showed her threads on mumsnet about people being more abused when they have a dependent, but she just won't listen. And yes, it boils down to not wanting her baby taken away from her.
Don't worry about her not attending medical appointments- she's been brilliant at doing that. She told her GP at 4 weeks, started taking vitamins, registered to a GP round the corner from her house, stays in contact with her midwife, and she's had her first scan and is very excited for her second, which is in a couple of weeks.

@gamerwidow You put it into words! It's definetely like loving an addict, which I've also tried to do. I get why people walk away but I really, really, really can't give up on her, not yet.

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