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Am I being unreasonable?

(14 Posts)
TW1984 Tue 09-May-17 09:34:45

First time poster, after honest advice...
I've been friends with L since we were 5 years old, now 32. We've been close over the years, inseparable throughout school, holidays together after leaving school etc. She had a daughter at 19, and I doted on her daughter, buying gifts of clothes, toys etc regularly. For the first three years of her daughter's life, I was there most days, helping with generally everything. I then moved slightly further away, but would see my friend and her daughter when I could. She then went on to have a son who is now approaching 9. Every year for the children's birthdays and Christmas, I have sent cards and money/gifts and taken the children out for day trips and meals several times a year. A couple of years ago on her son's birthday, I called to wish him all happy birthday and my friend was upset, stating that her ex husband had not paid her any maintenance, so she was unable to do anything nice for her son. I immediately went out and bought him a party tea, jelly and ice cream, party hats and plates etc so that he wouldn't miss out, and drove for an hour to get it to him. I know all of this is material stuff really, but just trying to build up the picture...
Anyway, fast forward to last year... The long awaited birth of my first child after a 6 year IVF battle. I didn't get a card from my friend when my daughter was born, and she's just turned one... My friend wished her a happy birthday on Facebook. No card. I just feel really sad at the lack of effort. I thought about it a lot on my daughter's birthday and it upset me that my oldest friend just can't be bothered with my child. I'm not expecting expensive gifts at all - a card with a nice hand written message would have meant more than anything.
Am I being unreasonable to have expected a bit more effort?
What do I do going forward? I don't see why I would carry on making the effort if she clearly isn't bothered, but I don't want her kids to miss out...

sunshinesupermum Tue 09-May-17 09:38:13

Have you spoken to your friend about how you feel?

rizlett Tue 09-May-17 09:42:18

some people put lots of effort in - some don't - that's the way of things.

perhaps you are feeling hurt that your much wanted dd wasn't even given the same consideration that you have offered your friends dd over all these years.

i would too.

Its a tricky situation - if it was just your friend I'd say she's not much of a friend but you don't want to let the children down - but maybe scale down what you do for them a bit?

rizlett Tue 09-May-17 09:43:53

also some friendships only last in certain circumstances and when something happens which changes that dynamic it can become unsustainable.

TW1984 Tue 09-May-17 09:44:57

Not yet. Not sure how to raise it without getting upset/angry, and seeming like I'm being unreasonable? Part of me feels like it's end up raising all the stuff I've done for her and her kids in the past, but it's really not about the expense - it's the effort...

ImperialBlether Tue 09-May-17 09:45:47

She is utterly selfish. Surely she must know this is a longed-for baby? I agree with you, a card with a lovely message would have been enough. She's not a friend to you.

TW1984 Tue 09-May-17 09:47:37

I agree Rizlett. I just don't understand it, I've genuinely been a good friend - she'd say the same herself if asked. I know my daughter doesn't have any idea of who bought her a card and who didn't, but it just upsets me that my daughter isn't important enough to warrant a trip to Card Factory, and 2 minutes to write something nice in a card.

TW1984 Tue 09-May-17 09:49:42

She does indeed know. That's what makes it just a bit more crappy.

Cardilover Tue 09-May-17 09:58:25

Is she a good friend to you, apart from this? A close friend of mine is like this with my kids, and it really hurt at first! However, there have also been times when she's been a really good friend to me and I know I can always always count on her. I've just come to terms with the fact that she just isn't going to buy cards and gifts or to be honest, be that interested in my kids. Equally she doesn't expect me to do anything for hers, I choose to because I want to.

I know others will feel differently though, and this would be a make or break issue.

soapboxqueen Tue 09-May-17 10:05:15

I had a similar situation. Were good friends in college. Drifted a bit at university but still managed to meet up etc She had her dd much before I had my dc, made sure I always sent birthday and christmas cards/gifts. This was for about a decade then when I had my ds, not a card, not a text, nothing. That was it for me.

Thefutureissobright Tue 09-May-17 10:07:33

Does it really make a difference whether you read the words on a card or on a screen?

purplecollar Tue 09-May-17 10:10:57

I think some people just don't see it as important.

When I had dc, some of my friends bothered, some didn't. My dh's workplace bothered. Mine didn't.

I would be hurt. But I think there are differences sometimes with what emphasis people put on these things.

My BIL particularly isn't bothered about cards/presents. His family never really send them. If I ask what their dc might like, it's always money. I just have to accept that they're different to us.

One of the things though is that BIL when he sees dc is extremely kind to them and plays with them. He does take an interest in them, unlike some others. So I'd see what happens going forward.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 09-May-17 10:16:03

It is hurtful your friend didn't make more of an effort. It's about showing you care.

I suppose it is possible your friend has been finding life difficult, perhaps not making an effort with anything. You say she has a difficult ex, perhaps financial problems? It might be worth checking she's ok before writing off the friendship.

SouthPole Tue 09-May-17 10:18:52

Congrats on getting your baby girl in the end OP!

Some people are just not good at this type of thing but are thinking about you and remain good friends.

I am one such person! Crap at remembering birthdays etc but always there when needed - e.g. I've just had a second baby for friends who couldn't conceive.

Also you sound naturally good at these things. Your friend patently isn't. Also your friend is/was at the time living a busy and stressful life which you now know all about - my kids and work take up all of my time. If I manage to remember a niece's birthday at all it is a miracle but I eventually do get something to them.

But my SIL was diagnosed with cancer recently and we went there with a really comprehensive care package for her and a National Trust membership for the year for the family so they can get out when they can.

I'm not saying this to show off how great I am. Rather how crap
I am but still the same thoughtful person I ever was.

You going above and beyond as someone with the time to do it is different to her not reciprocating in kind. But she should have picked up the phone when you found out you were pregnant to revel in your joy. That costs nothing and requires minimal work.

Have a gentle word with her. She'll know she's been shit and will be ashamed I guarantee it. Let her know.

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