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Abandoning teenagers...

(29 Posts)
juiceb70 Sun 30-Apr-17 08:31:35

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet, I would really like some unbiased opinion...
In October 16 I kicked my ex out, long story, years of yuck and I'd had enough...
We live in a small town on the south coast, I moved to the area when I was 20 (I'm now 47...confused) from Norfolk. I have 4 children, an 18yo girl and 20yo boy from a previous relationship, and a 10yo boy and 8yo girl with my ex.
Over the years I have wanted more and more to move back to my family, we are close and my sister is one of my very best friends. The ex is from Surrey and did not want to move further from his family so we didn't.
Now I'm on my own I want to move, my 10yo starts high school in sept so this seems like a good time.
But my oldest two have always lived here, so they want to stay. I have said I want them to move but they are adamant, I have said I will set them up with a little money for rents etc to get them started. Although they are not overly happy with their free ride ending (I struggle to get any rent, they both have good jobs) they do understand, although my 18yo thinks I should stay here until she is ready to move out, but she has no idea when... the youngest 2 are excited to be near their cousins and are positive about the move.

My family are naturally very excited, but I am aware they are a little biased, although I do doubt they would support me if they thought I was doing the wrong thing by the eldest two...

Rumours abound that I am abandoning them, that I should suck it up and stay here, that I'm selfish for wanting to move...

I would really like some independent opinion on this, is my daughter right and I should stay here and put my life and my little ones on hold until she decides to move? To be totally honest she is not easy to live with, she screams and shouts, swears, and I've been close to kicking her out a few times. She's 19 in 4 weeks.

I really appreciate any thoughts xx

PurpleWithRed Sun 30-Apr-17 08:35:47

Move. The majority of you want to move (3 vs 2) and the two who don't want to move have a choice of staying vs going as they are perfectly capable of setting up home for themselves.

AlpacaLypse Sun 30-Apr-17 08:40:22

The two younger ones need you more than the two elder ones. Move.

AlpacaLypse Sun 30-Apr-17 08:41:07

And ignore the rumours.

LadyTennantofTardis Sun 30-Apr-17 08:42:53

Move! They are adults, you will be doing them a favour. At 19 with jobs They should be enjoying starting out on their own and be grateful of any help you can give them. They need to act like adults. They have the option of come with you if they want to stay in the family home? You have every right to decide on where you live.

llangennith Sun 30-Apr-17 08:44:46

The older two aren't in school so moving onow is the best time for you and younger two.
It'll be lovely for you to return to the place you love.

DoItTooJulia Sun 30-Apr-17 08:46:20

Can't the older ones that want to stay with a parent stay with their dad then?

They're young adults and are about to strike out on their own. Now is a great time to move.

Best of luck flowers

PaintingByNumbers Sun 30-Apr-17 08:51:50

how will they maintain their relationship with their dad and will he agree to the move?
personally, I would think hard about it, for the 18 year old especially. I know people who have done this, then lost contact altogether, in one case never see grandkids (daughter felt abandoned and got pregnant to recreate a family), but I can see the appeal of secondary school start for the 10 year old as well.

PaintingByNumbers Sun 30-Apr-17 08:52:44

(sorry, first q is about your younger two and their dad)

Ktown Sun 30-Apr-17 08:57:11

I would probably delay a little until you have set them up and see they are ok.
It may be good to have some distance but your daughter is still quite young.
Have you taught her how to cook, clean, manage life etc? If she is ok at these things then you can go more easily.

MaisyPops Sun 30-Apr-17 09:01:36

The older 2 are adults. Help them a little bit to get set up, but don't get tied into guarantoring their rent etc.

Move. And don't let them make you feel bad for it. Otherwise you'll be held hostage by their desire for an extended adolescence.

GerdaLovesLili Sun 30-Apr-17 09:03:19

Move. They are old enough to look after themselves.

Quickieat2 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:04:48

Move. It's always parents who decide when and if to move after considering all the factors. She is not being abandoned, she can choose to come with you or strike out on her own. She has chosen the latter.

Quickieat2 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:05:34

How do you know there are rumours?

kittybiscuits Sun 30-Apr-17 09:05:49

I would move and be very clear that the older ones have a place with you and can take it up at any time. Do they have a relationship with their father?

Quickieat2 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:07:29

I would be in the new town in time
for your child to start secondary in September.

Tell your kids there's an open door, they can always change their minds and rejoin you.

Falconhoof1 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:19:37

I add another vote to move! Your 18 year old will cope- sounds like they need to get a bit of a grip anyway- they work but still not good at paying you rent. They'll manage and probably learn valuable life lessons in the process. You've tried to accommodate everyone else for so long-do something for you now.

Atenco Sun 30-Apr-17 09:25:07

Yeap, move and insist that your dd comes with you. Then she can decide to move out if she so wishes.

DancingLedge Sun 30-Apr-17 09:38:32

On a paper level, they're adults. So leaving them would be ok.

On an emotional level, looking at it from their POV, unless this were a change that they welcomed, it's hard to see how it's not going to feel like you doing what you choose with their SSibs, and discarding them. I not saying that's what you would be doing, or that they would be justified in feeling that.But if that's what your daughter feels, how are you going to respond?

Doesn't sound like she's acting like a mature adult. Being a having cake and eating it PITA is pretty common at her age. But maybe she actually still needs you? Those words are never going to pass the lips of a stroppy teenager, so you are the only one who can answer that.

Yes, starting a new High School at the beginning is a good point to do so. But not the only one; the start of yr 9 is also, educationally, a natural break.

Easy to say disregard the opinions of others. So much harder to do.

Horrible feeling possibly constrained by a DD who you are finding hard work. But you clearly have some doubts, or you wouldn't be here.

Any young person renting is one redundancy/relationship breakdown away from losing their home. Would you be moving to a house where she could move in with you if needed? And could she get work in Norfolk?

Easier if she would 'launch' herself into renting and independence first, before you move.

But then, this is motherhood. Easy doesn't seem to come into it much.

FrancisCrawford Sun 30-Apr-17 12:44:02

Many 18 year olds are away from the family home at uni. You never see anyone suggesting they should only go to uni in their home town because they are still young.

The fact you struggle to get her to pay rent is quite important, I think. She wants to be treated like a child, despite having a full time job. You'll be doing her a huge favour by teaching her that she has to budget and live within her means.

She can't impose her wish for an easy life onto the rest of the family. This is the right to move for you and your young DC, so go for it!

And ignore the rumours.

ivykaty44 Sun 30-Apr-17 12:53:03

Your hardly abandoning the older off spring, they have both been invited to move with you - their choice not to come.

As pp says, many 18 year olds move on to uni at 18.

Just make sure you explain to both of them that rents and council tax needs to be paid - especially the council tax. (Otherwise baliffs appear) unlike students who don't have to pay the latter.

Will they rent together? Or house share?

Thefabulousfeminist Sun 30-Apr-17 12:54:37

I agree with DancingLedge, I wouldn't leave them yet. 18 and 19 year olds are still making their way in the world and still need you. It's too simple to say "they're adults,leave them to it" - they're not, not really

Moussemoose Sun 30-Apr-17 12:59:14

I went to uni at 18. Your daughter is staying in a familiar town, same job and her friends. Less of an upheaval than most 18 year olds.

EmeraldIsle100 Sun 30-Apr-17 13:08:33

My DC are 18 and 20 and as much as I day dream about them leaving I dont think they could manage it financially just now. No doubt other people's DC could.

gleam Sun 30-Apr-17 13:20:48

I'd move. They have the chance to go with you and they have not chosen it.

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