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Do I stay or go?

(32 Posts)
Lisa282820 Sun 09-Apr-17 23:10:30

I recently miscarried at 12 weeks 😞 Emotionally and physically I feel I am getting better however I wish I could say the same about my relationship.
I felt like dh was very insensitive during and after the MC ( an example could be where he told me to stop moping the day after or where he said it wasn't even a baby but a collection of cells!)
Four weeks on we are at loggerheads constantly about anything and everything.
We both seem so angry at one another.
It has gotten to the point where I'm thinking of leaving tomorrow as we have become so volatile with one another and there seems to be no end to it.
Has anyone else been through anything similar and did things get better?
Any advice would be appreciated x

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 09-Apr-17 23:15:20

Sorry for your loss. I've been there. On the one hand you gave to remember it happened to your dp too and his way of dealing with it may be to minimise it etc. On the other hand hes likely to act like this again next time you need him emotionally.
Can you guys attend counselling together?

Lumpylumperson Sun 09-Apr-17 23:17:18

an example could be where he told me to stop moping the day after or where he said it wasn't even a baby but a collection of cells!

shock

I am utterly appalled at that. What a disgusting way to speak to your wife who is going through a miscarriage.

Me? I would leave. I'd consider counselling but he would need to be prepared to take a long, hard look at his behaviour and make some considerable changes.

Maybe he is grieving too and that's affecting his behaviour but that's still a cop out. When I had a miscarriage it broke DH's heart as well as mine but DH couldn't have taken better care of me or supported me better. That's how a husband should behave imo.

Lisa282820 Sun 09-Apr-17 23:19:50

We talked about counselling last week. I was about to book it but thought I would consult him on the appointment time first. When he answered he said he needed more time to think about it before committing and tonight he's said it's just me who needs to see a councillor!

Lumpylumperson Sun 09-Apr-17 23:21:19

Also, have you told him how you feel and how much his lack of compassion is affecting your relationship?

Is he usually reasonable? Would a calm talk about it be a possibility?

Maybe he just doesn't know how bad things have gotten. Talk to him if you can and if it's not likely to turn into a major row.

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 09-Apr-17 23:24:11

My dh's heart was broken too but he just didn't know how to cope and was devastated so fell back on his old ways of coping such as solider on and minimise minimise - and expected me to do the same. IMO you should look at the whole relationship and him not just his reaction to this one horrid event which has put you guys under stress.

Lisa282820 Sun 09-Apr-17 23:28:58

He knows... it's really bad. We were fine until it happened and it's the only thing holding me back from leaving.
He really doesn't know how to talk anymore and literally just shouts.
Today we had a huge row as he went out for the day and in the morning I had text him, I got no reply so 4 hours later I phoned again to no reply! Once he got home I told him it upset me that he didn't seem to bother about me much and how he never responds to my texts or calls!
I got shouting again about how I'm needy and he shouldn't have to respond etc!
This sounds like a small argument but again had us both screaming and shouting at each other

Lumpylumperson Sun 09-Apr-17 23:30:11

IMO you should look at the whole relationship and him not just his reaction to this one horrid event which has put you guys under stress.

^This is wise advice. (Sorry if my first post looked like a dig at you Sunshine it was a x-post but lots of what I said looked like they were in response to your post).

Only you know how your relationship is normally OP. flowers for your loss.

Lisa282820 Sun 09-Apr-17 23:33:29

I'm ashamed to say in the last week or so we have both started slamming doors, name calling and threatening each other with stupid things like who will end up with the house if we split!
It's quite disgusting and each day I try not to argue but somehow we end up fighting

Lumpylumperson Sun 09-Apr-17 23:40:48

Sounds like you're both going through some stuff. If this isn't normal for you both (and I hope it's not) then maybe grief has affected both of your behaviour.

Would he be open (and not hostile) for a heart to heart. Make sure you both have ground rules of no shouting, no storming off, absolutely no name calling or threatening, no talking over each other.

I know it's not easy to start with but it's so much better than unhealthy slanging matches.

Lisa282820 Sun 09-Apr-17 23:45:22

We have been together for 9 years and yes we have had our ups and downs but no not like this! It's actually toxic right now for both of us. We have tried talking and things will be fine for a day then back to square one.
I think I might go away for a while tomorrow to think before packing up my life.
Things have to get better 😞 Because I swear it can't get any worse!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Sun 09-Apr-17 23:53:47

My sympathies. But can I just say my dad, who has been a truly wonderful dad, was similar with my mum when she had a miscarriage. He went out with the guys a few days after she lost the baby, apparently she was raging. He feels bad about it now 30 yrs later, But He really didn't understand what a big deal it was for her at the time.

Lisa282820 Mon 10-Apr-17 00:02:19

I wish he would have at least pretended it was a big deal
How can they not know when they see you in a snotty teary state unable to function with the pain of the loss?
I am actually thinking I probably am still raging angry about his response or lack of one x

Gaggleofgirls Mon 10-Apr-17 00:08:05

I think it's just the strain of the situation. Cut each other a bit of slack, he's probably dealing with it badly too and is trying to make it not feel such a big deal. TTC or any loss is a big strain on even the strongest of relationships

ExplodedCloud Mon 10-Apr-17 00:15:31

What's your end game here? Are you leaving because you want to punish him for being an insensitive arse or because you want to leave him forever? Don't leave as punishment.

Lisa282820 Mon 10-Apr-17 00:19:12

No I don't want to punish him at all. I love him to the moon and back. I honestly want us to stop fighting but after weeks of trying and it getting worse I'm thinking it might be the only healthy thing to do for both of our stress levels and for our mental health x

ExplodedCloud Mon 10-Apr-17 00:20:42

Sorry. Meant to expand. DH was very factual about an early mc. I had hormones raging and a whole future constructed. He didn't.
He probably has no idea how much your world tilted with a BFP and then swung back to a new place with a loss.

ExplodedCloud Mon 10-Apr-17 00:22:20

You love him. Don't leave. Work it out.

AtSea1979 Mon 10-Apr-17 00:24:45

I thing you should try and find the money for counselling. You DH isn't coping as well as he should be unless he's usually so blunt about things.

Lisa282820 Mon 10-Apr-17 00:25:11

It's so good to receive advice on here!
I really appreciate it and it is giving me more thought and clarity x
Thank you all xxxx

Lisa282820 Mon 10-Apr-17 00:27:37

The problem with the counselling is not the money but the fact that he believes that he doesn't need to see one and it's just me that does but ...I beg to differ with his new communication style of shouting and swearing at me constantly

AtSea1979 Mon 10-Apr-17 00:34:17

We'll ask him to go. If he refuses to prioritise your needs then you have your answer.

ExplodedCloud Mon 10-Apr-17 00:40:39

He shouldn't be shouting and swearing. I could be wrong and he might be a twat that you've appeased for 9 years and the first time you need his support he fails. I can't tell you that.

Lisa282820 Mon 10-Apr-17 00:49:26

This is why I'm considering leaving...
For four weeks he's been shouting and swearing and I've started doing it back. Tonight as soon as he shouted and swore I came out with a mouthful of venemous words and screamed and swore back. I detest swearing but it almost felt like defence and to be honest good at the time.
I don't want a relationship like this though and it's not getting better just worse.
He's now sleeping on the sofa and I'm glad but I don't think I'll sleep much

Hidingtonothing Mon 10-Apr-17 01:05:32

I think I would start counselling alone anyway OP, it can't hurt to have somewhere to talk about your own feelings whether your DH decides to go or not. If you get to point where your counsellor thinks it would be useful to see him too would he be any more likely to come if the request came from the counsellor rather than you?

Me and my DH had problems after my mc's, not so much arguments with us more just completely shutting off from each other. We both handled it in totally different ways though, he seemed really cold and detached about it to me and I got angrier and angrier with him because I wanted to know our babies mattered to him too and because I felt I couldn't talk to him. I felt like he just wanted me to shut up about it and move on so I slowly closed myself off to him until we were barely speaking and both utterly miserable.

We went on like that for weeks and then it finally came to a head and it all came flooding out. He thought he would make it worse for me if he talked about how he felt, he felt like he had to tiptoe round my feelings and that I was more 'entitled' to be upset than him (because it happened to my body not his) and that his feelings didn't matter. He thought that because I cried when I talked about it that he was protecting me from being upset by shutting down conversation about it when I tried to talk to him.

Point is, we dealt with it in entirely different ways and, once I understood that, I had to accept that his way was different to mine. We agreed some compromises so that neither of us felt unsupported by the other but we still had to get through it our own way.

I'm not saying your situation is the same, what he said was pretty heartless but, if your relationship is otherwise strong, I would at least want to try to hear his side in counselling before I made any big decisions about the future.

It does sound like some space would be a good idea in the short term but I would be pushing forward with the counselling at the same time. flowers for you OP, mc is one of the worst things I've ever been through and I'm sorry it's happened to you too.

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