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Need some advice/comments please

(12 Posts)
TallBlondie Sat 08-Apr-17 01:02:42

To make a long story short, I have gone no contact with my narcissistic family as soon as I opened my eyes and realized how they destroyed me and were destroying my marriage.
I am dealing with severe anxiety, insecurity, depression, self harm etc as a result of opening my eyes and realizing what my parents have done to me.
My husband and I separated over a year ago. We have been working things out and our relationship is getting better than ever. We still don't live together, but we see each other daily and I usually spend the night at his place 4+ times a week. The only problem I have is husband is still active on dating sites. This hurts me terribly and he knows it, but continues to "look, like, match", but does not communicate or meet these ladies. I feel bad about myself as it is, this sets me off and makes me feel worthless! Is my husband narcissistic too? Do I get over this and let him look? I don't know what to do. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, my heart hurts! I just want to be loved by someone 100%!

DelphiniumBlue Sat 08-Apr-17 01:17:58

Sorry you've been having such a hard time.
From what you say, he doesn't sound very committed to making your relationship work. Why would he be looking on dating sites? I think it's unlikely that he doesn't communicate with them, but even if he doesn't, he knows how much it upsets you. It's really disrespectful of him, and suggests to me that he doesn't take your feelings seriously.
And it sounds like this is making your self-esteem issues worse.

TallBlondie Sat 08-Apr-17 05:08:20

I'm so messed up right now, I feel silly and lost. I don't know if what I see is what other people see.

picklemepopcorn Sat 08-Apr-17 07:09:57

I think I would have to ask him if he is still committed to making your marriage work. I think those sites can become a bit obsessive, habitual. Fear of missing out can make it hard to give them up.

Are you sure you want to be with him? Sometimes it's healthier to get comfortable with yourself while you are single, then build a relationship when you are a bit more stable.

You have had a lot to deal with.flowersflowers

mistermagpie Sat 08-Apr-17 07:16:50

People seem really keen at the moment to label other people as 'narcissistic'. I'm not sure why...

In your case I couldn't say whether he actually has a personality disorder, but he certainly sounds like a selfish arsehole. He clearly isn't as committed to making the relationship work as you are and is behaving horribly. No idea what happened with your family but it sounds like DH who is destroying your marriage, not them.

Shurleyshummishtake Sat 08-Apr-17 07:20:49

What would I do?
End it with him without a backward glance

What kind of ignorant twat spends time looking at other women on a dating site when he is meant to be working to reconcile with his wife?? Ffs that is so wrong.

If you even doubt yourself that you are allowed to find that wholly unacceptable then you really need to prioritise some therapy for your self esteem OP.

Please seek some support away from him and for now tell him you find his attitude disrespectful and you are stepping back.

You deserve much much more than that.

EasterRobin Sat 08-Apr-17 07:31:00

Maybe it seems harmless to him, but it's not right if you guys are trying to make things work. If he won't stop when you ask him to, you are right to be upset about it.

happydays2017 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:08:42

Give him an ultimatum, you will have you answer then. You are worth more than putting up with that even if your parents conditioned you otherwise flowers

zen1 Sat 08-Apr-17 09:16:12

Whether he is narcissistic or not, he is not treating you with any respect. I would make a clean break from him too and try to move on with your life without these negative people in it. I know it is a cliche, but once you start to like yourself (and therapy could help move things forward on that score), you will see that you are a person who is worthy of love and respect. Good luck OP

TallBlondie Sat 08-Apr-17 22:06:08

Thank you.

Last time I confronted him he said he paid for some of these apps and "wants to get his money's worth" so he won't get rid of them until his subscription is up! He paid for 6-12 month terms on some of them.

He thinks I don't know that he's still looking but has been sneaky by keeping his ringer off on his phone so I don't hear notices and hides his phone now. He only does this when he is active on the sites!

Shurleyshummishtake Sun 09-Apr-17 17:00:29

Tall o one is likely to tell you this is either or part of a successful fulfilling marriage

Please seek some real life support so you can see this man for what he is

You really do deserve a lot more

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 17-Apr-17 18:32:06

So he doesn't want to waste his money on the dating sites? Well, he should have thought about that before signing up for 12 months - was he going to keep dating women even if he met 'The One' so as not to waste money? Doesn't sound as though he's really giving your marriage much of a chance, to be honest. And he's turned off the ringer on his phone..?

You know he's a waste of space. Don't stick with him just because you are afraid of life alone or because he's not as bad as your family. He doesn't have to be a narcissist to be a twat.

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