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Domestic abuse still impacts my life 10 years later

(14 Posts)
Nipplesunited Fri 07-Apr-17 15:45:56

Just over 10 years ago i was in a domestic violent relationship for 5 years. It was all types of abuse. When i finally got out, it continued through stalking and harrassment etc.
7 year court battle over our children just so he could control me a little bit still. He never was or is interested in his children.

Anyway...i was talking about my current issues today and realised that a lot of it stems from my time with him.
Its sad to think that although i got out and freed myself and my kids from the direct side of things, he can still indirectly affect me.

I have had therapy etc. I have done the freedom programme a couple of times now. I really thought that it was just me and my personality, until someone dug deeper into it today.
I know at times when he has had some kind of contact with my children, i have displayed some form of distress when he has been in closeish proximity to my house. Even knowing he is in my town sends me into a freak out.
Other than that though, i didnt realise how badly it had all affected my mental health.

How long has it taken others to recover? Do you ever fully recover?
Is it just so deeply ingrained now it has became part of my personality?

Amyceleste96 Sat 08-Apr-17 08:11:37

Hey I have just got out of a domestic relationship with my child's father and I am now pregnant he broke my fingers and put a knife to me while I was holding my son I think u need to figure out who you are I lost my self I don't think u fully recover but you learn how to get on with things it will always be there but you have to learn who u was before him I'm keeping children away from him as I have to

LardLizard Sat 08-Apr-17 08:28:02

Would movingfar far away be possible
Or would you lose your support network

imip Sat 08-Apr-17 08:31:51

I was the child in this relationship and I moved out of home when I was 21. I'm now 46 and I say it's impact is still massive. Speaking to my siblings a few days ago (we live in different countries) and the one thing is that when we get together, we are still so impacted by our experiences. It might be worse since our parents are still together. My mum recently tried to overdose apparently. But it seems to have marked every aspect of our lives and is like a suffocating blanket we can not get out of....

MaisieDotes Sat 08-Apr-17 08:32:01

Hi OP, my first marriage was abusive and although I left in 2005 I'm still affected by it.

I don't see, or ever hear from him anymore as I have no children from that marriage, but it has cast a shadow over my life.

I've had therapy and recently I've found a new therapist who is helping a lot.

I have a lovely life now, I have since remarried and had more DC (I had DD before I met exH). I have to work quite hard to try to enjoy my life and feel I deserve it and that I can be in control of things, iyswim.

88Nikki88 Sat 08-Apr-17 10:06:48

Don't be afraid of your experiences becoming a part of your personality. Sounds like you've been digging really deep and have realised some things about yourself that you would rather not know. But remember, that's because you've had to face things about yourself that most people never have to face.

You can recover, and if you really want to and you work at it you will. Sounds like you might benefit from some more councelling, if it's something you can access go for it, it might feel like you have loads of massive hurdles to overcome, but once you start looking at things you might find its not as bad as you thought.

As for how long does it take, I think that depends on you and what you decide to do about it.

I could tell you it could take twelve years, or, I could say it'll take eleven years to realise there are problems, and then one year to actually deal with them. Sounds like you're over the biggest hurdle.

Good luck

Aussiemum78 Sat 08-Apr-17 12:16:13

It sounds like you have ptsd. And having contact with him will exacerbate that.

I had ptsd when I left too, it is truly awful.

Valentine2 Sat 08-Apr-17 14:21:11

imip
Your mother is still in the relationship? shock
Is there not a way you and your siblings could take her out of it all? Sorry if it looks like I am judging you, but don't you think you owe it to her?

Purplerainbow Sat 08-Apr-17 14:45:32

I know where you are coming from, I'm exactly the same. First marriage (abusive) 8 years ago. It's screwed me up and completely changed my personality and I hate it. I remarried but if failed because I remarried for the wrong reasons and didn't love him (he had faults too tho quite big ones) and I hate it. I'm in therapy and about to go to gp to try to find other meds to try (have another thread on that at the moment) so I can't really help or give advice but want you to know you're not alone.... flowers I shall be watching this thread.

imip Sat 08-Apr-17 15:43:40

No valentine, I've moved countries and am not close. My mum did a few shit things (ignoring my dds autism diagnosis till months later), not responding to any emails I sent, much longer ago taking lots of money and never paying it back. I needed a clean break. My dsis and dbro are still at home. They have two disabled dbro with them and I think my mum has deliberately kept them with her.

It may seem harsh, but my own mental health is at stake. I've witnessed things children should never see, and processing this as an adult is like delaying the experience. Having your own dc relives it again. This is the long-term cost of domestic abuse, and it's fucked. I feel bad that my mum is still with him, but I don't feel guilty. Trust me it's a very fucked up thing to go through, I can only focus on my own family (4 dc, one of whom has ASD). I can't do much about the abuse, mum needs to want to get out. But I can end the cycle here....

Valentine2 Sat 08-Apr-17 18:06:06

imip
That's such a heart-wrenching story. sad No child should have to go through that. It's a miracle you have the strength I raise children of your own and have the strength left to know and figure how to break the cycle. I am sure your parenting is great and your children very happy and content. flowers

Nipplesunited Sat 08-Apr-17 22:39:54

It was an awful feeling to realise that he still has a hold on me.
PTSD does make a lot of sense. Especially my reactions when he is nearby to my home.
When i moved here i was relieved because he didnt know where i lived. He had no contact for at least 5 years.
My son wanted to see him and the social worker who was involved at the time helped arrange that - depsite my concerns and personal feelings. Her opinion was that my son was at an age where he would see the true colours himself and that i should allow it so no resentment comes my way. Understandable -but i would rather deal with the resentment.
So now he knows where i live.
He came to my door on the first visit when he was strictly told not to. He heard me freak out as i told my son to make him leave.

My phone is going to die.
Sorry for those who have suffered directly or indirectly and those who are still suffering xx

feelingdizzy Sat 08-Apr-17 22:56:15

This could be me,our stories are really similar,my dcs have very little contact with their Dad,but when I know he's coming or is nearby I feel trapped and on edge,I suppose I am still scared of him,I try to not let him know I'm scared,but its reasonable to be scared of a man who made it his life's work to terrify me.I have considered that I might have PTSD ,I am so much better since he left the country so my trigger is gone. Its like I can breathe again. I remind myself,like you I got out and no longer have to live with that constant fear ,x

malificent7 Thu 13-Apr-17 07:58:14

I survived an abysive relationship and had ptsd.
Emdr therapy has truly changed my life. It is free on the NHS and worked wonders My anger cycle has broken snd i am lighter and happier. Ive found love again too when before i didnt believe in it.

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