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Need advice..

(11 Posts)
Jade27xx Sat 01-Apr-17 17:03:18

Hi im just looking for some advice. Ive been dating this guy for a year. He broke up woth me 3 weeks ago. He said he "loves me" but isnt "in love with me", however i foind out in december i am pregnant with his child. I was on birth control but it failed an was hospitilized over christmas and new year to remove the IUD to carry on with the pregnancy. He wanted to get an abortion. Abbandoned me over the holoday period and while i was in hospitail. However came back and said he wanted to be a father told his family etc things where going well then he tells me that. Ans since then he has told me he wants baby every weekend from birth, tbreatened to take her from me and blocked me completly and hasbt bothered to contact to ask how baby is doing etc.... i just dont know what to do as i still have feelings for the guy. I feel i need support and i guess i am hoping he will come round, i dont kniw what to do or expect hence why im wrotting this to try get some advice. If he appears after baby is born can he take her from me every weekend? Hes not been supportive or attended any appointments and is refusing to help buy the items baby needs. He said "as long as she has everytbing for his house" someone help me please i dont know of im writting all tbis vecayse im hurting and sad and heart broken. I dont really have friends or family vecause i gave them all up for him.

Neverknowing Sat 01-Apr-17 18:00:15

He sounds abusive and I think you and your baby (congratulations btw) are better off without him!
Also, he can't take the baby without your consent a court will have to rule that. Try to get baby registered as quick as possible and don't put him on the birth certificate as that gives him parental rights. Do not give him the baby as that's giving him permission to take the baby. Are you planning to breastfeed as that makes it much more difficult for him to take the baby as well. Sorry you're going through a hard time op! Try to go to some prenatal classes as you'll meet other mums and make friends with other new mums. It'll help your confidence smile

Neverknowing Sat 01-Apr-17 18:01:26

Sorry that made it sound like he could take the baby if you hand him/her to him but I meant don't give him the baby to take away from you. Good luck flowers

Jade27xx Sat 01-Apr-17 18:05:53

Yea im.planning on breastfeeding. His mother was also demanding she goes ober every weekend and i am not aloud to leave town. I dont trust him or his family and im just scared of the possible outcome. I know baby needs a daddy but i also feel he needs to prove to me that he osnt going to treat her the way he did me. I feel telling him to apply for court to see his child is nasty and i dont want to hurt him. Do you know if prenatal classes are NHS lead?

Jade27xx Sat 01-Apr-17 18:06:16

And thanks for the response. 😊

Neverknowing Sat 01-Apr-17 18:31:10

I understand how awful you must feel, I wouldn't even want him near my baby. Honestly everything changes once the baby is here because you realise that the baby is all that matters and you want to keep them away from negative influences! Babies don't need a father, better no father than an abusive one!
There are a few NHS lead ones yes. Where are you based?

Neverknowing Sat 01-Apr-17 18:35:51

Keep any messages about you 'not being allowed to leave town' because 1. That's absolutely never true and 2. It shows he is abusive to the courts. Please keep all texts!

xStefx Sat 01-Apr-17 18:42:37

Please keep all the texts and also try to do all convos over txt too so you have proof of their controlling behaviour.
No the court wouldn't grant that, especially whilst your breastfeeding ( and before they say you can express no court in the world would force you to express) best he would get is supervised access for the first 9 months then they would go from there.
Block them, the longer they go without speaking to you the less control they will feel over you
Also, their only priority now is seeing the baby, don't hold out any hope that he will come back with the right intentions for you , it will all be about control
Yes you can go where you want , they are filling you with shit
If your unsure call woman's aid for advice , at least you will know where you stand when he throws crap at you
Like I said, I would block. I know you love him op but someone that treats you like that... it isn't love xx
Good luck to you and your baby girl x

Sweets101 Sat 01-Apr-17 18:50:12

First off i would keep all the texts
Also tell the MW all about it, have it written on your notes you do not want h allowed on the maternity unit/delivery ward
I'd also put a lot of effort into NOT talking to him (or his mother!)
I would seriously consider registering the baby without him present, i also wouldn't tell him this! he can always add himself later
No he cannot take the baby every weekend, it's a ridiculous and bullying suggestion
He does sound like a bully, abusive, and his mum doesn't sound any help. Could you reach out to family/friends? Explain the situation? You possibly only feel you have feelings for him because you feel scared and lonely? The last thing you want to do in this situation is throw yourself (and your baby) at the mercy of him and his mum!

Hidingtonothing Sat 01-Apr-17 19:14:11

He has no right to demand anything from you and neither do his family. In your position I would insist he goes through the courts for everything, including parental responsibility. That means doing as other posters have suggested and not putting him on the birth certificate when you register your baby. He can apply to court for a DNA test and to be added to the birth certificate but he would have to be prepared to pay costs and go to the trouble of doing so which he may not when it comes to it.

If he goes through with that the courts can then look at a contact arrangement but they will want to do what's in the best interests of the child so absolutely keep all the messages he (or his family) sends making threats or demands about seeing the baby, you moving away etc so they can see what he is like. He can't force you to do anything without the courts backing so don't let him frighten you or bully you into anything.

Making him go through the legal process is your best bet though, he may be put off by the effort (and money) involved and the fact that pursuing his rights means he would have to play it straight down the line with paying maintenance and generally being a responsible parent. It will also give you some recourse if he breaks the order in any way, not turning up when he should or bringing baby back on time etc and the court would take in account that you were breastfeeding when deciding a schedule. Any threatening or abusive messages he sends could also be used to make a case for supervised contact only so definitely keep everything he sends.

Do you have any support at all OP? Could you get back in touch with your family or friends, I'm sure I would want to know if someone I cared about needed help even if we had lost touch. If not it might be worth speaking to your midwife about support services in your area, groups you could join and that kind of thing so you don't feel so alone. This site is a good source of advice and support too so do keep posting if you need any help flowers

Hidingtonothing Sat 01-Apr-17 19:37:10

And it's not nasty to make him go through the courts, it's safer for everyone if it's all done through the proper channels. It means everyone's rights will be protected and stops any bad feeling between you and your ex affecting what's best for your baby.

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