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No RVSP, Do yo follow up?

(36 Posts)
xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 11:17:29

This is about Invite etiquette

Im planning my wedding. I had no idea wedding politics existed until the planning started and luckily ive managed to get through most of them without offending anyone .. PHEW

Backstory- When SIL got married (DP's sister) there were some people that didn't RVSP so SIL assumed that they weren't coming (these are cousins of DP, only see them at funerals/ weddings)
However even though they didn't RSVP some still turned up on the day (2 couples so 4 people) , obv causing a panic with SIL as the table plans were done.

It ALSO turned out a few people didn't turn up at the wedding ( 7 people who had RSVP's and said they were going) so it sort of worked out ok but could have been a nightmare.

So, coming to my invites. Ive had quite a lot of people who haven't RSVP'd, (which I think is rude) Would I be wrong to send some sort of follow on note to those people saying something like:

We have not received your RSVP and have assumed you are not able to join us on our special day. We hope you have a lovely Christmas and fantastic new year. Love ...... & ......... (our wedding is at Christmas)

Also: How do I deal with the people who said they were coming and didn't turn up? 7 of them didn't turn up to SIL and her wedding was £48 per head so that could have been over £300 wasted. Is that something I just have to suck up (I will if I have to) or should I speak to those people and ask if they are definitely coming as they didn't manage to make it to SIL's (I would try to be subtle and polite)

SIL did ask them why they didn't go and their excuses ranged from " Oh me and DP argued" and " we were a bit skint on the day" and some just didn't give a reason.

OK, I think that covers it... Thanks all

PopsicleBopsicle Wed 29-Mar-17 11:20:55

Just call the people who haven't replied and ask if they are coming?

ellesbellesxxx Wed 29-Mar-17 11:22:03

You have surely sent your invites out very early? A lot could change in that time.. people might have things come up!

You have loads of time so I would just say "haven't heard from you re wedding, just wondering if you are able to make it?" Then if you still don't hear anything then say that you will have to assume they can't come.
However it's very very early so they genuinely might not have got that far!

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 11:23:59

I dont mind doing that, but I just think its so rude of them. The invites were given out by hand so I know they got to the address, I also put a stamped address envelope in for them to reply.

I just wonder if they cant be bothered to send an RSVP when ive made it nice an easy then will they actually bother to come on the day . im worried if I call them they will just say "yes "on the spot but not really come.

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 11:25:06

Its gone past the date of " can all RSVP;s be returned by "

Thats why im worried these people are just simply not going to send one

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 11:27:27

I should add sorry, I sent the invites out 1 year in advance because people tend to get busy at Christmas and so I wanted to "pre book them" if that makes sense

blueskyinmarch Wed 29-Mar-17 11:38:47

Gosh if I got a wedding invite for a years time I am not sure I would have replied by now! That's far too long in advance of the wedding. Surely that's what save the date cards are for.

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 11:47:20

It was suggested to me by the planner as that time of year can be busy (Christmas). To be honest as some people usually take turns to "go back and forth between familys" and stuff at Christmas and so I wanted to give them plenty of time to plan their Christmas.

I hand delivered them last year just after Christmas and asked for the replys to back by by 20th March. All my family have returned theirs and all our friends have, it just seems to be this group of cousins that haven't managed it.

allisbright Wed 29-Mar-17 11:52:51

Save the dates are to 'pre-book' your guests. Invitations that have gone out and you're expecting them back already? Madness.

Also the passive aggressive messages to guests who have not yet RSVPd is just a bit horrible. Presumably you like these people and want them there to celebrate with you?

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 12:04:52

I don't know them to be honest, DP only sees them at weddings and funerals. Some would walk past me in the street and not say hi (that's how much they don't know me) but because ive invited all my cousins I would of course invite his. Its only fair.

No not passive aggressive at all, I do think its really rude to turn up to a wedding when you haven't said your going, I also think its rude not to go when you said you are (without good reason)

Thats why im posting , to ask if they don't reply... at all.. is it polite to call them? or do I assume they aren't going (ive never been married before so a bit new to all this) and also, do I check with the people that said they were going to SIL and didn't turn up that they will actually go to mine?

Thats what I meant in my post

GoodDayToYou Wed 29-Mar-17 12:12:25

OP, I think it's just too early for people to be able to confirm what they're doing for Christmas. For many of us, it's a time of year when we have to do a lot of diary juggling and some significant travelling to see loved ones. Not everyone is going to be able to confirm accurately now, no matter what RSVP date you set. I would def be prepared for some changes nearer the time.

GoodDayToYou Wed 29-Mar-17 12:16:52

To answer your question, I think it's fine to call people to see if they're coming, if they haven't replied. I would think that quite normal actually.

Soon2bC Wed 29-Mar-17 12:18:56

A year in advance is very early for invites, we did save the dates as we are getting married this easter and then sent invites after christmas.

If its past the RSVP date speak with them, they may not have received the invite or they may have posted the rsvp which is lost in the post.

Ask if they will be coming and if they say they dont know yet then find out how long before the day you need final numbers. give them a new RSVP date tell them if we dont hear from you personally by X date then we will assume you are sadly unable to attend and will not cater for you.
If they then turn up without RSVP then you can tell them sorry no catering as per original discussion but they are welcome to sit at the bar and have a drink

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 12:20:23

Thankyou Goodday , Yes I do expect changes to pop up closer to the time EEK :-)

To be honest the time frame hasn't seemed an issue at all, all of my family have replied , all his close family and all our friends too.

Its just the same cousins (8 people in total ) that haven't replied . it wouldn't bother me usually as 8 is a small amount of people to not return an RSVP - however, its the same people that I mentioned in my original post that turned up without ever bothering to send their RSVP's.
I will call them, I just don't want to put them on the spot and they panic and say yes. When they aren't gonna turn up like they didn't to SIL's.

Thanks for your reply x

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 12:22:33

Thankyou soon2bc and Goodsday for posting nice replys, I was after some help and may be a bit clueless with all this, you have helped :-)

GoodDayToYou Wed 29-Mar-17 12:33:12

My pleasure. It sounds like a Plan B of some kind is a good idea too. I love Soon's suggestion of directing them to the bar. Nearer the time, maybe give this job to a couple of the groomsmen? That way, you won't have to worry about it on the day.

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 13:03:06

That is a good idea :-) Luckily its in a hotel and theres a restaurant onsite so I could always pay for an emergency meal there if someone does turn up unexpected.

Thankyou again :-)

Soon2bC Thu 30-Mar-17 09:39:35

xstefx if it helps at all, we are getting married in 15 days and i have just had a conversation with my DSis about the possibility some of her group are not able to come!
It stays fluid right to the end.

just breathe deep, smile sweetly and have a long hug with your OH when it gets stressful. I have managed to stay calm throughout the whole process (so far) however i may have to hunt down my florist if she doesnt start being more organised smile

Soon2bC Thu 30-Mar-17 09:40:38

also if it is a hotel and they turn up get a groomsman/bridesmaid/MIL to tell them that they can stay for the ceremony but will need to go to the other restaurant for food and rejoin in the evening grin

JustMyLuckUnfortubately Thu 30-Mar-17 09:54:17

When do you actually need to give numbers to your venue?

As you're getting married at Christmas I understand you are looking to give notice but I think I would have send the invites out in 2017. I think you said you delivered them over the festive period so with cards/gifts/visitors perhaps they didn't get opened of misplaced meaning people forgot.

As these particular 9 have form for turning up I would definitely chase them by phone call. For people who have holidays that running tax year they may struggle to know by now as their employer may still be considering requests

JustMyLuckUnfortubately Thu 30-Mar-17 09:55:15

Great idea from Soon2B if this did happen

Wibblewobbles Thu 30-Mar-17 09:57:21

I definitely think you should follow up.

I got a save-the-date from someone and then never received an actual invite, to this day I am not sure if I was uninvited, if the invite got lost in the post, or if they just forgot me. I was too socially awkward to ask the bride so I just didn't go to the wedding. Total lack of communication!

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Thu 30-Mar-17 09:59:15

OP, you are planning well in advance which is great, but when do you make the final confirmation and payment for things?

Our wedding is in August with final numbers due to the hotel by June. So I'll be chasing people by phone once and if no commitment I'll be sending a similar message of 'sorry to hear you can't be with us'. It's an invitation, not a command.

xStefx Sat 01-Apr-17 11:18:40

Hello , thankyou for replying. I have to give final numbers 10 weeks before so I've got plenty of time.
I wouldn't have been worried if it wasn't the same people who messed my sil about at her wedding. I will follow up with a call, and a very nice " sorry you can't be with us" message just to make sure they don't appear on the day :-)
I do see now I sent the invites too early, I was just worried as it was an awkward time of year and our family's have a weird habit of almost pre booking you 2 years in advance lol

BlueEyedPersephone Sat 01-Apr-17 11:34:00

I don't think a year is too early if you are asking people to come at a defined holiday, these people have form for not rsvp'ing so I would gently follow up/ remind by email or fb message, have a wonderful wedding and enjoy it x

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