My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.(1000 Posts)
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Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.
As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.
So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.
I suspect that she has very clear guidelines she has to follow with regard to the safeguarding of children.
Smoking a "couple of light spliffs" a night would certainly be enough to cause concern in my opinion. It is a very quick path back to skunk and pot if he hasn't completely stopped.
If your therapist feels it is a safeguarding issue they are duty bound to make a referral. This doesn't mean social services will need necessarily do anything. But think seriously about this, your therapist has no gain (or personal loyalty) to advise you against resuming this relationship, they are saying don't for a reason. Take time to explore this, it's OK to disagree but explore it together.
In what way was he neglectful? Did he ever put your DD in danger?
... And im sorry, but two spliffs, every night, is a lot of weed. It doesn't sound like he's done enough, tbh, and at the very least I'd put off letting him move in with you for now. He should spend more time sorting himself out first.
She might consider you letting a drug addict (because he is, if he can't give it up completely) back into living with you is going to endanger your child, in which case she has no option but to report.
4 months is no time at all
If you have nothing to hide from SS and all is well and your DP is back on track then I can't see the problem even if the counsellor feels she needs to raise a CP concern.
I wouldn't let him back in until/unless he'd stopped smoking for six months or so. I'm not sure how you/he would prove that, though, but until it could be proven, I wouldn't have him back.
Why are you even asking??!
The real question is this: why are you willing to put DD in the care of a regular drug user?
Take your goggles off and see your ex for what he really is.
I understand she's not being vindictive at all. She isn't doing a referral yet but I still would like him to move in but still attend therapy and I just can't lie.
He was neglectful as he didn't help out much and was around but sort of absent. There were times that if I wasn't around it wouldn't have been safe for her to be alone with him as he would be inwakable.
Continue with the therapy, continue building your relationship with your DH, but do not move back in together.
Allow yourself space.
Space to allow the therapy to 'work', for you to understand past behaviour and set good, healthy boundaries for how you want to rest of your life to be. Space for your DH to prove himself. Space for him to be a good father to your DD before the stress of everyday life puts pressure on you both again.
There is no rush.
Yes, your therapist very likely has very stringent guidelines she must follow. A drug taker with parental responsibility to a young child IS a concern whether you agree with that or not.
Take your time. Act in haste, regret at leisure
I work in child protection and she's absolutely right. Where there's a safeguarding matter confidentiality is overlooked. If he really has changed and is willing to change you need to allow social services to see that. If you are obstructive in any way it could be seen as you not putting the safety of your DD first.
6 months was alway the target for me but everything changed in hospital and he was so great and there for me.
"Just a couple of light spliffs"? How many is a couple?
It's still illegal and seems to be a priority for him.
I'd be concerned too.
If you are happy then let's SS check the home situation out and ensure they think it's safe and stable for your child. Perhaps you are not the best judge at this time and it would be beneficial to have a professional opinion.
Can I just gently suggest that if you have been ill, both physically and mentally over the last 4 months then you might not be seeing the situation clearly?
As other pp have said, your DH has not given up his addiction, he's just reduced it. If he is still using then he is still doing something that is illegal and your therapist has guidelines to follow around things like this which may be considered a danger to your daughter.
Maybe you should give yourself more time in therapy to really work on your feelings, and make a clear decision when you are feeling stronger.
I would say that your DH needs to be completely clear of any drug use for a good few months before you should seriously consider moving back in with him. If he is sincere about turning things around then he will wait.
I worked so hard to change my and dds situation by letting dh fall and lose everything. He has built himself back up again and I've secured a nice place obviously in my name only and have so many family all around me. The situation is so different to the past.
If he does not move back in with you and your DD, there won't be any need for SS involvement or for your therapist to report anything.
If SS do get involved, you do need to actively engage with them. Their priority needs to be your DD's needs, not yours, and certainly not your DH's.
I strongly think you need more time apart. You need to insist that he does not use any drugs, and he needs to seek help if that is what he needs to stop.
I think he knows how much he can 'get away' with and he senses I'm not going to get hung up on a small amount of pot. He also knows that if any use or behaviour escalates even a fraction he'd be out of MY house in a heartbeat.
Do you see your therapist within an agency setting or a service? Or privately?
I feel like if I let him live with us I'll have to find my excuses to stop therapy. I wouldn't want to lie to her.
A couple of spliffs a night after the child is in bed is not enough to trigger children's services. It just isn't. Let her make the referral if she feel obligated to but nothing will come of it.
I remember your posts, about his drug use, swearing and wasting all the family money on drugs. If I am really honest I feel terrible you are considering going back to him. He is still using drugs too every night.
I am sorry you have been unwell, it has prevented a proper break and you sound very dependant on him. I think you are delusional if you think he has changed for good after such a short time.
Also if there is no reason to be concerned then it shouldn't matter if social services come and poke around in your life but I think you know it is a massive problem.
It sounds like you have made up your mind: to let him move in, to tolerate the couple of spliffs, and to stop your therapy.
I think you are making a serious mistake.
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