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Dsis has been having an affair for 5 years. With a married man. WWYD

(17 Posts)
Reddress89 Wed 15-Mar-17 17:26:11

Just got back home from a catchup and coffee with Dsis. We were having a lovely afternoon after not seeing each other for a while. Anyway, whilst we were sitting in the little pokey coffee shop down the road from to house, she casually dropped in conversation that she's been sleeping with a married man for 5 years. I nearly spat out my latte!

Not only was this shocking, but she THEN went on to explain it was with my ExH's boss!!! Me and ExH's bosses DW are very close friends and this is going to destroy their marriage. She's lovely and a wonderful mother. I literally screamed at my sister and told her to leave. I told her I would contact her when I was ready to speak to her again.

she said she has wanted to tell me for a very long time but hasn't found the right way. She claims it's over now, but she needs to know how she can break it to her DH as she can't live with the guilt. She needs help with the aftermath etc. She doesn't have many friends since moving near us in London with her DH.

Now I'm sat here feeling like a shit sister for not trying to help, but also a shit friend for keeping a secret from my close friend. I literally do not know what to do!

Dsis knows how I feel about cheating, and she knows that in every relationship I've had, if Ive started to become unhappy Ive left. My heart is broken for my close friend and my Dsis DH.

I don't know whether it's my duty to now tell my friend, or my duty as a sister to stay out of it and be there for Dsis.

My life is so full of drama at the moment and this is just the icing on the top of a shite cake!


DameXanaduBramble Wed 15-Mar-17 17:35:45

Do not, repeat, do not get involved or tell anyone. Please be there for your sister, she needs you right now. Nobody is perfect and good people do bad things, nothing is black and white.

PollytheDolly Wed 15-Mar-17 18:13:17

Impossible situation!

Not sure what to say, but wine and vent away, if it helps.

BoboChic Wed 15-Mar-17 18:15:24

You will be a better sister if you do not judge.

Millipedewithherfeetup Wed 15-Mar-17 18:16:58

Keep out of it ! You wilk be the one in the wrong if you get involved!

Blossomdeary Wed 15-Mar-17 18:17:33

Do not say anything to anyone.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Wed 15-Mar-17 18:19:02

She had no right to offload her guilt on you. . But I have no dsis so maybe that's what she expected she was allowed to do - she has put you in an awful position. . If the affair is over let her deal with her dh - keep out of it. And the cad she cheated on her with deserved no protection but his dw may already know but doesn't want it out in the open so keep out of that side also. Tell your dsis she can contact you when the dust of her life has settled but you want no part in things right now.

Reddress89 Wed 15-Mar-17 21:57:18

Dsis has called earlier crying her heart out down the phone begging me to help her. I had a huge got at her down the phone but said I was going to be there for her. She has nobody else to turn to. Her DH works away all the time and is currently in New Zealand so she is unable to contact him.

She's said once he returns she is going to tell him everything and make arrangements to move out. She admitted she doesn't love her DH anymore. Ive agreed not to tell the other woman involved, because Dsis is going to tell her herself. I'm still so angry with her, but she's my sister. I guess there's not a lot I can do.

highinthesky Wed 15-Mar-17 22:02:01

Try not to get involved.

PollyBanana Wed 15-Mar-17 22:04:17

I don't understand why she has managed to keep this a secret for 5 years and stay married to her DH, but now affair is over it is suddenly so urgent to reveal all to you, tell her DH (and the cheated on wife) and end her marriage.

Sandsnake Wed 15-Mar-17 22:09:30

Your sister asks too much of you. Personally I think that she shouldn't have told you anything, given your close friendship with the wife. It was unfair of her. It would be even more unfair for her now to expect you to counsel her regarding the situation. If I were you I would tell her that you are her sister and you will always be there for her but that you just cannot engage with her regarding this situation. If she needs advice she really needs to find somewhere else to turn.

stolemyusername Wed 15-Mar-17 22:12:58

Is your DS telling the wife as revenge, did the OM dump her?

She's going to hurt another woman (even more than she has already) just to make herself feel better.

OhBlissOhJoy Wed 15-Mar-17 22:15:11

You could have been me 5 years ago. I tried to keep out of it for as long as possible but it became impossible to ignore.
We are now NC because of it.

Haribogirl Wed 15-Mar-17 23:26:32

Do you know if OM dumped her?

Is this now why she is ready to spill?
5 years is a long time to keep things to yourself, I feel it's his doing and she's now looking for help. Why wound you want to tell OW if it's over
No point except to hurt her and make her feel as hurt as yourself.

Something's not right here,
If it's over. By her. So be it. End off
You do not go telling the wife, why
Because HE as ended it and she wants revenge
She only telling you what she wants too

Reddress89 Wed 15-Mar-17 23:40:25

The thing that gets me is that Five years is such a long time, how she managed to keep two relationships going at the same time for FIVE years I do not know! I just can't get my head around any of it.

She told me it was her that decided to end things. Apparently it was an on/off relationship for years and they kept saying they wanted to tell their OHs and start a proper relationship together, but neither of them could pluck up the courage to do so.

I'm still friends with my ExH and we stay in close contact, mainly due to kids but he often tells me about what's happening in the work place and his boss (the guy she cheated with) has recently got a promotion which means ExH might have his job. (Only reason he told me) and he was chuffed. I thought nothing of it at the time but now I'm starting to think he got a promotion, whch requires him working away and maybe even relocating so he ended it.

I dunno. I'm so fucking tired and too old for this BS. Ive told her I'll talk when I'm ready.

Thanks for all your help!

Thinkingofausername1 Thu 16-Mar-17 16:55:10

My sister was seeing someone who was supposed to be getting divorced. He knew as soon as I met him I had cottoned on, to his behaviour. She was blind to it though!!

emmyrose2000 Mon 03-Apr-17 11:02:00

I'd be giving my sympathy and support to my friend/the OW when the crap hits the fan. Sister doesn't/won't deserve any sympathy as she's 50% responsible for the mess.

My cousin cheated on his wife and ultimately ended up leaving his wife and child for the OW. That relationship eventually fell apart. I haven't spoken to my cousin since I found out about his cheating. He disgusts me. OTOH, his wife and I became quite close and she's one of my really good friends now.

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