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Parents smothering me

(25 Posts)
SlightlyConfused0 Mon 06-Mar-17 13:36:07

Can someone please give me some advice. I’m 22 years old, still living with my parents as me and OH (30) are saving for a mortgage. I recently found out I was pregnant due to contraception failure. I had the coil but have a tilted womb that wasn’t discovered until I got pregnant. Partner and I decided on a surgical abortion which was absolutely the right decision for us – no regrets. I never discussed this with my parents, they get very offended when I don’t tell them things and I’m actually a very private person, I don’t like telling people things and prefer to deal with things by myself. Anyway, I ended up losing huge clots and passed out at work. OH rushed me to A&E and has been a fantastic support. I had an infection, I still had pregnancy remains and I was stressed and tired with the amount of pain I was in and had very little sleep (they don't know this)

I ended up arguing with my parents as they’d mentioned I was distant and ‘not pulling my weight’ in which I lost it with them, said I’d been really poorly and had a miscarriage (I just couldn’t bear to say the words abortion – they’d go nuts that I didn’t discuss such a thing with them) but wanted them to understand why I was being off, probably the wrong way by screaming. This has caused bad atmospheres, an upset ‘pushed out’ mum, an angry dad because I’ve upset mum and not told them the situation. I’ve had a few follow up appointments, including a standard blood test today, which I’ve kept mum and dad informed of. My mum is adamant she’s coming with me, won’t take no for an answer and is again upset I’m pushing her out – it’s a blood test for fuck sake.

I completely understand that she cares, she loves me and wants to support me in any way she can but they both won’t accept how I deal with things. I don’t want them to know I’ve had an abortion, which will obviously crop up when she comes to these appointments. I feel like I’m trying to keep them happy when ultimately it’s me who ends up feeling uncomfortable. I can’t tell them how I feel without them getting upset and offended which in turn creates a bad atmopshere that lasts for days. Am I wrong in not wanting them there? Why can't they understand how I deal with things? DP completely gets it!

What do I do 

VictoriaMcdade Mon 06-Mar-17 13:43:49

Move out

Aebj Mon 06-Mar-17 13:45:39

Tell your mum it's a blood test so no results that day.
Also space in the clinic, I know when I last had blood taken there really wasn't room for another adult to be present.
You can tell your doctor and get them to document it, that the only people you are happy to share information with is dp( of course if that's what you want) As you are an adult the doctor shouldn't be sharing medical information to anyone who you don't consent to.
Mum is welcome to doctors appt but will have to wait in waiting room while you see the doctor. I don't know if you are able to pre warn surgery your mum is not to be told anything. Maybe someone clever can tell us!!!
Good luck

Reow Mon 06-Mar-17 13:46:33

Move out

gamerchick Mon 06-Mar-17 13:48:11

yeah it sounds like it's time to move out.

SlightlyConfused0 Mon 06-Mar-17 13:53:57

They just can't seem to get their head around I deal with things on my own, I like to process whats happening and then if needs be i'll confide. DP is respecting my wishes to do things alone, he's my rock. I feel i'm desperately trying to keep them happy whilst making myself very unhappy letting them be so nosey.

We're saving for a mortgage and are desperate to get on the property ladder, we didn't plan to move out so soon. sad

exexpat Mon 06-Mar-17 13:54:25

Unfortunately, for as long as you are living at home, they will probably see you as a child and feel they have the right to interfere.

I'm not saying they do have the right, just that they will feel they do, and changing that feeling while you are still living with them - and presumably being financially subsidised by them in terms of not paying market rent - is going to be extremely difficult if not impossible.

What is more important to you - being treated as an independent adult or saving for a mortgage?

HopefullyDothButterNoParsnips Mon 06-Mar-17 13:59:16

To be honest my parents mother are exactly the same. I moved out yonks ago but my brother was still living at home with his gf up until their baby was born. Mum was very affronted that they 'excluded' her from her grandson as soon as he was born by no longer living at home.

You need to stand your ground. Just tell them frankly that you've just lost a baby (I suggest you stick with the mc story) and you need some space and you will be going to appointments on your own. End of. Expect huffing and guilt trips.

If I were you I would move out ASAP. They won't see you as an adult while you're under their roof.

gamerchick Mon 06-Mar-17 14:03:26

Then you'll probably have to suck it up sad It's hard to change the way a parent acts or see you when you still live with them. It looks like if you want to be treated more like an adult you'll have to move out.

My relationship with my daughter got a lot easier when she moved out (shes your age) and now I see her as an adult and try not to interfere in her life unless she asks.

BackforGood Mon 06-Mar-17 14:08:23

Whilst you are living at home, they want to support you and take care of you and even after you move out, tbh but less so.
I would be incredibly hurt if I had a 22 yr old dd living with me, who felt she couldn't tell me about something so sad / traumatic as a miscarriage.
I think you can't have it both ways - either you are living there, and you accept they love you and want to support you, or you need to move out if you don't want them to know anything about your life. It's not a house-share, you are living with your parents.

NerrSnerr Mon 06-Mar-17 14:11:30

I would honestly move out, rent for a while and do your best to save when renting (it is doable- just takes a bit longer).

gamerchick Mon 06-Mar-17 14:11:38

I must admit I would feel gutted if my daughter didn't tell me she had lost a pregnancy whether she lived with me or not.

On the other hand I wouldn't have told my parents because we don't have that type of relationship. That's why I moved out when young.

SlightlyConfused0 Mon 06-Mar-17 14:13:09

exex you make some very good points, thank you. I pay £300 and DP pays £100 as he stays over quite a bit. I think this situation has opened my eyes, I feel suffocated and like my opinion/thoughts don't matter, as long as they can come to appointments they are happy, regardless if this makes me uncomfortable.

Hopefullly thanks for the advice, I plan to stick to the MC story it'd break their heart that I terminated my pregnancy. I purposely didn't tell them as mum doesn't get to see her GC from my brother, the fact they'd see it as another loss would kill them.

gamer I agree, although everything was OK until this situation, it's made me feel so suffocated and they're very intrusive. I feel as though i'm always protecting mums feelings, going against my wishes to keep her happy and to keep the peace.

TitaniasCloset Mon 06-Mar-17 14:13:13

My 22 year old dd has just moved out although she is in a financially tough situation. As a result, we are getting on so much better because she was craving her independance and to be in charge of her own household.

I really think you should look into moving out too. Its a nice idea to stay at home and save up but you are at that age now where you have a need to break away from parents and be in charge of your own house and life. All of which is perfectly natural and healthy at your age.

Its just a shame this government has effed young people over to the extent that they have to stay with mum and dad even when its becoming difficult for everyone.

Regarding the doctors app, she should not be following you in if you don't want her there, and you should be able to say that and have her accept your decision. You are not a teenager.

TitaniasCloset Mon 06-Mar-17 14:15:51

As for the abortion just wanted to give you these flowers

Even when its absolutely the right decision, its still very unpleasant.

SlightlyConfused0 Mon 06-Mar-17 14:17:18

Backforgood I completely accept that, and have tried to include her and keep her up to date with how things are going. It's not that I don't feel I can't talk to her, I know I can and it's nothing personal towards her. I just deal with things alone, if I need help then I will ask for it but I don't. My mum can be emotionally unstable, she doesn't sleep for days and drinks a lot, has outbursts and worries so much I felt it was in her best interests not to say anything.

I get the love and support me, but it's smothering and intrusive. I need space and surely a little bit of privacy?

SlightlyConfused0 Mon 06-Mar-17 14:18:57

titianas thank you for your kind words, it absolutely was the most horrendous experience. The whole run up to it, the procedure and being so poorly from it after sad I just don't see how I can move out just yet, i'd really struggle on my own and DP is adamant we stay at home until we get our mortgage.

KickAssAngel Mon 06-Mar-17 14:24:00

IF your brother doesn't have contact with her, and given your latest post, I would say that she's more controlling than supportive. It isn't normal to want to be at another person's medical appointments. (Can you name anyone you'd expect to do that with, other than DP?)

You are going to have to stand your ground here. Either move out, or tell her that she can't come to medical stuff, at the very least.

TitaniasCloset Mon 06-Mar-17 14:25:45

You are in a really difficult situation if moving out is not an option.

I would speak to your oh again and just be open minded about your options.

I was going to advise putting boundaries in place with your parents, but if your mum is struggling with her mental health and addiction I don't think it will last and I really think you need your own space. So does she, so she can work on herself, but she probably doesn't realise that.

Speak to your partner again I think, and look up some cheap options for moving.

Bananamanfan Fri 10-Mar-17 16:35:20

Your mum cannot go to the drs with you if you don't want her to. As for your dad being in a huff because you've "upset your mum" that's pathetic, it's not about them. I think you need to move out.
If you do help to buy on a new build you only need 5% deposit. (You have 25% deposit in total with the new build one, so much lower mortgage repayments)

DidILeaveTheGasOn Fri 10-Mar-17 16:52:23

Firstly, at some point in the future, not now, if you want to tell them that you had an abortion, you can. You don't have to stick with the miscarriage story. They are complex experiences, neither is better or worse or more acceptable than the other. This is your life, your story. You shouldn't have to edit it to make it palatable to anyone else. You are living this. It is important.
I say all that as someone who had a termination a long time ago. People are different, but in my case, it took me a really long time to get over it. I only really stopped grieving (and it was grief - as I say, abortions are complex) when I had my daughter. You might find it takes a while to process it, it might not, people are different. But it helps to be able to be truthful. You shouldn't ever feel like it has to be couched in other terms to be more acceptable.

Your parents sound controlling. I think you do need to move out. I would also question your partner, who in one sense has been a fantastic source of support, but in another sense, isn't listening to you (much like your parents), by insisting that you stay living with your parents, regardless of how difficult it is for you. Ultimately where you live as an individual is your choice. Not an easy one necessarily, but it is your choice. You can't be voiceless inbetween your parents and your partner. You are important too.

Cherrysoup Sun 12-Mar-17 14:46:49

Would the money you pay get you a couple's room in a shared house? I think that's the way forward.

Onegreatday Sun 12-Mar-17 14:52:06

I would consider standing your ground. Tell them you appreciate their support and you will share how you're feeling, but you feel having an audience on hospital appts will make it worse. Can you compromise on your mum driving you there and waiting for you in the car? They obviously want to feel involved but it's a very personal matter. Say that your dp has been fantastic and continues to do so.

Onegreatday Sun 12-Mar-17 14:55:08

Also if you lived out right away it might be under a bit of a cloud and obviously not what you're planning for financially. Deal with the immediate issue and leave the other stuff for when the dust settles. Although they are over involved they do sound caring and that's a good thing. You just need to be able to manage them into caring in a good way rather than an overbearing way.

midcenturymodern Sun 12-Mar-17 15:02:37

I pay £300 and DP pays £100 as he stays over quite a bit

Sorry if I missed it, but if he doesn't live there, where does he live? Can you not live there?

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