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Advice needed

(8 Posts)
Comealongpond89 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:16:23

I'm a single mum with a 20 month old daughter. When dd was 3 months old her father was arrested for downloading indecent images and videos of children as young as 1. I left him the day he was arrested. To cut a long story short he pleaded guilty and got a suspended sentence. Dd hasn't seen him since he was sentenced and I learned the full extent of what he had done. She was 9 months old then. MIL still visits to see her which is fine and we get on very well. However he still sends presents for xmas through her which I'm not really happy about. He hasn't attempted to make contact or see dd in any way. However as dd gets older I know the inevitable questions about her dad will start. I don't want her to see him ever again. She doesn't know who he is so I don't see any point in introducing a stranger into her life. Anyway I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar or had any advice as to what to say when she starts asking about her dad? Any advice would be much appreciated

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:19:18

Be honest. At the time she was conceived you loved him but then you realised he wasn't the man you thought he was. You made the decision to love her enough for 2 parents instead! Save the real truth for when she is 18.

Comealongpond89 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:21:28

I will tell her the truth when she's 18. I just don't really know what to say when she's around 3 and asks where her dad is. I used to be a preschool teacher so I know how clever 3 yr old school can be

ShakingAndShocked Fri 03-Mar-17 18:25:25

Even though I'm no expert and don't think I have much to offer, I couldn't read and run. How truly truly horrific for youflowers

I guess my immediate thoughts are around custody and if you can prevent him seeing her, so do you have a court order for sole residency? What is (if any/if you've even been through court process yet) his court defined contact with her or has he been ordered zero contact? Am praying it's the latter, though it's not clear from your post.

I think in terms of how you discuss this with DD as she gets older you are going to need incredibly specialised support and here I'm afraid I'm clueless. There surely must though be resources out there, so I'd start by ringing NSPCC or local Council Child Protection for advice (or any other groups that I can't think of right now) on how to proceed with that - truly horrific - conversation.

My main concern would be/is the immediate safety of DD - is there any way he can have unsupervised access atm or potentially in the future?

I cannot imagine your shock or what you have been throughsad Did you know yourself from his search history or did you literally only find out when Police arrived?

Very UnMNy {{{hugs}}}

Comealongpond89 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:37:49

Thank u for your post shakingandshocked. He isn't allowed any unsupervised access to dd (part of his sentence) so technically he is allowed to see her if a 3rd party is present. However when I found out the details of what he had done I told MIL to tell him he would never see her again. This was last may and he hasn't objected or tried to contact me. I didn't have any idea what he was doing. We were together 9 yrs and married for 2. He never really used to sleep very well so spent a lot of time on the laptop without me there. It never occurred to me that I would ever need to check his history. I left with dd the day he was arrested and admitted that it was true

AnyFucker Fri 03-Mar-17 18:43:07

I am very sorry flowers

In your position I would be concerned that at some time in the future he could push for supervised contact. How would you deal with that?

Comealongpond89 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:49:54

I have thought about that as well. Which is why I'm also a bit worried to start divorce proceedings as the subject of custody will come up. I feel like if he did try to get supervised contact I could argue that it wouldn't be in dd best interests because she doesn't know him and introducing him into her life would do more harm than good. Also if he did want supervised contact he would be allowed to see her if I were present but I don't want to see him and I wouldn't trust anyone else to supervise even if they're professional

AnyFucker Fri 03-Mar-17 18:56:52

In your position I would be talking to professionals to get it locked down that he never gets any form of contact

Start with the nspcc

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