Seething after being hurt by a 'friend'(17 Posts)
Hi! I don't have many regrets or upsets in life but I cannot get over the hurt and bitterness of being betrayed and belittled on a daily basis by an ex best friend.
We had been friends since primary school and when a close circle of friends of hers moved away, her mother had suggested to my mum that we meet up and could become close friends. We did this and were inseparable for years- fast forward to our 20's,we moved in together, and not long after she got with a bloke who already had a girlfriend, swiflty, and with failed secrecy, moved him in. I had noticed. I also noticed my share of rent and bills hadn't reduced, but the communication and even the decency to pass the time of day from her had. An intense feeling to always put a man before anything a complete lack of backbone and a tendency for selfishness and being easily led, resulted in a massive row, me telling her exactly what I thought of her and what she had done to me and me leaving without anything I had paid for in the house! The circle of friends shunned me and sided with her and she's never told the truth about what actually happened. I'm very strong as a person and built a new life completely. years down the line, I've met a great guy had a baby, and out of the blue received a huge bouquet of flowers from her- some might say she's reaching out to me- but surely a knock on the door and a face to face apology is what I really need- maybe I'm missing the point, I miss her , but I'm overwhelmingly angry, what to do, that's what I don't know!
i know it's annoying when friends put boyfriends first, however you sound very judgy particularly when others are not as strong/ self confident as you.
Take the gesture of beautiful Flowers and await her call apologising x
So when he moved in why did you not just have a conversation with her as to how household finances would now be split rather than bottling it up and then exploding? You refer to her havibg no backbone but it seems you didn't have the courage to just speak to her/them.
I did, many times try to sit her down and talk to her about it, she would say that she wasn't being secretive and he wasn't moving in- however several days of him letting himself in with his own key told a different story! She would take my things out of cupboards and cut me out of social gatherings and generally act like a cold manipulative, underhand bully. As with all bully's she cowardly neglected to tell me the truth of the situation and instead just froze me out. I thanked her for the flowers but she didn't really respond, just to say congratulations- no opening to continue the conversation.
I feel that in the years that have gone by since then I have tried to hold out an olive branch but I don't feel it's me that should be doing so.... I really am very hurt, and willing the phone to ring is a bit depressing! 😫
Also- she never told the rest of the friends in our circle why I left - they subsequently decided it was me who had caused the ' issue' and never questioned my ex friend, so sided with her entirely, I lost everything thanks to her dishonesty. But she got me out, and her man in!
Honestly I think you need to work out whether you want to be friends again or if you just want to draw a line under it. Either way, holding on to the bitterness isn't doing you any good.
If you want to give your friendship another chance you need to be prepared to sweep the past under the bridge. You were clearly very hurt, but she might have seen it completely differently. It sounds like it was a while back so maybe you have both grown up a lot since.
Willing the phone to ring isn't going to do anything - if you want to see if you can salvage the friendship, give her a text or a call and ask her if she wants to meet up for a coffee.
If you don't think you can get past it, then you need to put your anger to rest. Write her a letter detailing all the ways she was a bitch, all the ways she hurt you and all the memories that you feel like she tainted. Burn the letter. Cherish the good times and remember that a lot of people find new sides to themselves and to their friends when they hit their twenties.
The power is in your hands either way.
I think you are right- I'm too angry to contact her. I know that she would probably continue to hurt me. I will write the letter but not send , just to set firm in my mind why the friendship was lost in the first place and move on. I'm just so upset she hasn't got the gumption to swallow her pride and just say "sorry" one word- it would all be forgotten. We can't ever be friends again without that. I feel like no one gets how I feel and ironically, she would!
It doesn't sound as if you like her, so what's the dilemma?
You sound very angry still yet you've implied this was years ago. She turned out to be a bit of a shit friend but you seem to really be holding on to what sounds like a bit of a non event in the grand scheme of things. It's a bit weird that she didn't clarify what happened yet everyone assumed you were to blame. Perhaps you had a bit of a reputation for reacting badly to things?
I'm a ballsy person, I make my feelings known and confront things that aren't right, I'm not a lunatic who just turns on people or reacts bad when had a drink etc. She's needed my strength in the past with school bullies- abusive boyfriends etc, I protected her. This situation matters to me for that very reason, I feel I deserve an apology and it annoys me that she's such a coward- we live in the same town and she looks down when I drive past and avoids going past my house- because I assume, and hope, she's a bit ashamed of herself! I'm only human for feeling like I do.
I was in your situation! Rented a flat with my then best friend and she quickly moved her boyfriend in - except he paid for nothing! Worse, because he was a heavy weed-head, he'd also plough through all my food while I was asleep! I finally left after he started bringing his mates round - I worked split shifts and they'd be playing music all night. Friend refused to do anything about it so I left. I'm still a bit annoyed that I also paid another three months of my share of the rent so as not to drop her in it - while boyfriend continued to live there for free - and she grumbled to mutual friends that she now had to pay ALL the rent. We're no longer friends - in your case it depends how much the friendship meant to you. Personally, I'd let it go. The flowers are a nice gesture but why no note/card? Seems a bit cowardly.
Personally I would let it go.
Not everyone is nice or behaves how you want them to.
It's in the past, keep it there.
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