Letting go of an old friendship.. should I and if so , how...(13 Posts)
Have been friends for 18 years - met thro babies .
She comes from quite a priveledged background and whilst this in itself is not a problem she can st times be insensitive to the fact it's not like that for others and maybe sometimes not say about her life of material ease . For eg Every half term goes off to one of her ( two ) family owned homes - mentions to folk who just can't ever do anything st half term , 5 weeks holiday abroad in summer travelling etc .
Children bought Mac books , clothes etc by g parents - I know it's a different world but I thknk they there should be an awareness of others reality ?
Other friends have said they don't really like her and just couldn't be here pal due to this . Can appear smug .
However , over the years we have had lots of fun as well as she has implied that she is more ' real ' with me than the majority of her friends . The friends were experienced as cliquey by other s I'm told in the school yard as they are similar professions or mostly it's that the husbands are - the dw not needing to work or work much . It did strike me that apart from myself the friends are identikit .
Anyway I've made excuses for what I see as inappropriate comments st times such as " I don't understand why people get depressed " because we had the children together , had history and some good times . And I have my own faults too of course !
However , we have noticed that whilst we have done things like take their dd on holiday ( which for us was exoebive as cottages are ) and the girls say they are best friends so you wd think they wanted time together .. my dd has not for some years been invited to similar in the holiday homes whilst others have abs to my mind I'm asking why ? I'm maybe feeling sensitive .
My dd was due to go travelling with their dd and their dd has now decided to go with dd from my friends group leaving my dd with no one to go with . The group said they don't kno her so wd not want her to go .
I texted my friend ( maybe shdnt have ) to let her know that my dd was upset about this - she did reply in a limited text , but when I asked if it cd be sorted out as her dd had promised to go with my dd ( both 18 )she didn't reply .
I know it's up to the dd s to sort out really ..! And they have . However I somehow get the feeling I'm fed up of feeling a bit inferior .. maybe that says more about me than her tho ? But I spoke to a close friend about it and she said if it was her she wd talk to her dd and say it s not on to dump a friend and she could not tolerate that sort of friendship .
I felt confused so I left it after she didn't reply to my text trying to help the dd s situation - then a few weeks later I got a text from her - not reffering to my last text - but saying miss you ..I've been busy but are you free ..
The friendship has been good and she does tell me stuff she doesn't share with others as it's mostly the smiley face she shows to her group . And she has supported me too .
But the dynamic of her being insensitive has long been there - her dh has told her she is not v emotionally intelligent at times . And this thing with the dd has really upset me . Final straw ? Talk to her ? ( but how will she understand ? I can hardly tell her several people find her cliquey can I ??? ) I'm not one just to dump folk and the gap is starting to feel evident now and if she asks me I just don't know what to say or what to do !
I know I have to weight up the pros and cons of the friendship logically but I'm v loyal person - despite a feeling that the differences may be too big .... feel terrible even thinking tvst really ..
I understand a lot of what you're saying, but in terms of your respective dds no longer going travelling together, I don't know that there's very much your friend could have done. If the girls are both now 18 and your friends dd now has her own different group of friends, I don't know really how her mum could force her to go with your dd.
Your other friend is right...it's not really on to dump a friend, but if her dd no longer feels close to your dd, there's not a great deal anyone can do. And if your dd did end up going with them, would she really have a great time?
Very confusing to read this with all the abbreviations.
What I gather is you have a rich friend and you are a bit jealous. Your other friends are also jealous and you don't like her friends as they are also rich?
You have 18 year old DDs who have grown apart and you want her to make her DD travel with your DD!
You and your DD need to find different friends.
I don't fully understand the background but I take it that she is a bit choosy about who goes on holiday with them when you had her dd away. Also she rubs your nose in it money wise.
She might just not be the sharpest person in the world but she might not be bad either.
I don't think it is your friend's responsibility to interfere in her adult daughter's travel plans. They are 18 and old enough to get on with it. If they don't want your DD there then that is a shame but nothing to do with the mums anymore.
My apologies for the abbreviations - I didn't have my specs on .
I don't have a problem that she is rich , but with insensitive comments - such as I referred to such as her saying that she " cannot understand why people get depressed" . A possible lack of insight into other people's lives and the struggles they may face .
As for the dd thing - I didn't expect that she could actually sort it - that was between the dd s . However , would expect acknowledgement that it caused my dd sadness - sharing a difficult situation is part of friendship . ? ( ie not solving it but talking it through )
You don't sound jealous to me gin, you sound like you feel a bit used by your friend, which is how I am seeing it. Your friend seems to want you as an outlet when she's not feeling up to putting on her Smiley Face for her gang. Personally I wouldn't end the friendship, but only see her if you really feel like it, not just because she needs you when it suits her.
For eg they were given 45k , she makes money without work from her df business - many many things - I try to understand that is her world . But lack of ability ? Willingness ? To understand that if others is a difficult one for me .
The depression comment sounds like ignorance-did you tell her some of the reasons people get depressed?
It does read that you're a bit jealous. Going on hols & dc getting MacBooks is irrelevant-if she mentions that sort of thing just say 'oh, that's nice'. It doesn't sound like she's been trying to rub your face in it, or has she?
No I don't think she has rubbed it in my face at all .
Maybe it is just that our worlds are so different .
She is aware that our dc don't get things like that at all and that in the past my relatives have been mean . Eg my step mother who is comfortably off , has bought second hand half filled in colouring books for our dd - whilst I don't mind a pound shop thoughtful gift and really support charity shopping - I do draw the line at a half used book and she is aware those things happen .
However , she can hardly not mention what her family does tho can she ? So I guess I'm being over sensitive as it is a sore point re my family habits .
Buck - re depression yes I did .
However , things like money worries and the impact they can have on people - I really don't think there is empathy there .
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