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Confused by this invite. Should I except?

(130 Posts)
Ruby2202 Sat 25-Feb-17 16:23:11

Basically I ve had a friend who I considered my best friend since uni, so 14 years now. Once we were very close and would see each other regularly and got on extremely well. We ve had holidays together and when we met our dhs couple holidays. She was my bridesmaid.

However, over the years I ve realised she probably doesn't regard me as her best friend. I wasn't chosen as her bridesmaid (she got married before me) or dcs godparents. I felt sad about this but excepted she had childhood friends she felt closer too.

However, since having dcs the length of time between meet ups began to get longer and longer. It felt like I was making all the effort but when we did see each other we got on very well and it was like we hadn't been apart. We would text every so often but phone calls to her were left unanswered. I told myself this means we are good friends as those are the kind of best friends. However, over the last couple of years the gap has widened even more. There is absolutely no effort her side despite only living 45 mins away. Texts to her were answered with one word answers and she couldn't come to ds birthday party and no mention of a meet up instead. I made the effort to travel 45 mins there and back to her ds party but not much of a welcome or a thank you message or card for coming. No mention of a meet up when chatting and a casual bye when I left.

So I decided the friendship had probably fizzled out and decided I wasn't prepared for it to be so one sided. 7 months has passed with no contact whatsoever.

I was upset by this as she's my last long standing friend and it took a while to get my feelings sorted in my head, accept the situation and move on. I don't have many friends so it was a big loss.

So, today I get a text inviting us to an important event for her dd. It's obviously a generic text to a few people but no hi, been a long time, how are you? But it does say they are only inviting a few people to this event and only people who they and dd are closest to. It says they really would love us to come and it would mean a lot to them.

I am really confused and don't know if we should go or not. How can she consider us close to her when we have no contact for 6 months at a time? We have no idea what's going on in each other's lives. I ve only met her dd once since birth and she's only met my dd once in two years! I ve just gotten my head around letting this friendship go, which took awhile, and now this.

Dh thinks we should go as she obviously values the friendship afterall, but it doesn't feel like it. I know she's busy working full time as a teacher with two dcs but still how long does a quick text/call take? She has school holidays free but we never meet up anymore. He feels it's just a period where life's got in the way and then once dcs get bigger I will probably see her more. He thinks my expectations are too high. I get what he's saying and perhaps he's right with how it might be in the future but I don't feel valued in the friendship we have anymore and it makes me feel upset so I have distanced myself from it. I don't want to open these feelings up again.

Would you accept the invite? I guess if I said no it really would be shutting the door on the friendship but I don't see the point of yearly invites to dcs parties when dcs barely know each other.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 25-Feb-17 16:26:10

In my scepticism I feel the text has been sent to many in the hope that more chance of a few coming if that makes sense? Or the message would have been more personal surely?

EyeStye Sat 25-Feb-17 16:27:04

Maybe she just doesn't see the need for lots of contact - stuff might be going on in her life
I am not a big texter or even meet up that often but I have friends who I consider close and when we see each other we pick up where we left off
It's up to you if you are happy to continue the friendship on that basis

FourKidsNotCrazyYet Sat 25-Feb-17 16:27:46

I would just say no, it seems like maybe she's covering all bases and wanting as many people to celebrate her DD as possible rather than having any thought on your friendship. She's made no effort towards you but now she wants you to put yourself out again for her and her kids. Nope I wouldn't be bothered to go.

cheeseandcrackers Sat 25-Feb-17 16:30:12

She has invited you to go, you are friends, you haven't given any reason why you don't actually want to go so you should go. Working full-time with young kids is hard, cut her some slack and stop over thinking things.

BrieAndChilli Sat 25-Feb-17 16:32:41

I would go to this and gauge the situation, it could be that she has had some stuff going on -illness, miscarriage, post natel marital problems etc etc that meant she had withdrawn from social stuff/ people.
I would treat this as last chance though

sleepyMe12 Sat 25-Feb-17 16:33:51

I'd pass.
I agree with pp that it's more to do with numbers (presents also maybe) then anything else.

SorrelSoup Sat 25-Feb-17 16:34:33

I wouldn't go, there's no point. I'd think I'd received the text in error tbh!!

IamNotDarling Sat 25-Feb-17 16:35:54

I wouldn't go. You've already said goodbye to this friendship.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sat 25-Feb-17 16:37:56

Is she expecting a present?

Personally I wouldn't go. I agree with FourKids - she'll do bugger all for you, but you're expected to run along and celebrate something for her DD? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

ShakeofFara Sat 25-Feb-17 16:43:21

Like Sorrell I'd think I'd received the text in error.

BeBeatrix Sat 25-Feb-17 16:47:11

I'm with Brie on this.

With such a long-standing friendship, worth this one last effort. And if it's still one-way after that, then you can know you've really tried your best.

GirlElephant Sat 25-Feb-17 16:50:59

I also think it's strange after 7 months to be invited to what sounds like an intimate celebration. As you obviously still care for her I would probably decline but say you would love to catch-up another time if she can let you know when she is free. Then leave it up to her to see if she proactively gets in touch. After 7 months if she really wanted you there I think she should have sent you a unique message to be honest

It's difficult as sounds like she may have grown apart from you, but as others have said maybe there's a reason in her life she has became more solitary.

Haffdonga Sat 25-Feb-17 16:53:12

I'd go. You were hurt that she'd not contacted you much. Now she has. She was your close friend and you were upset about the friendship ending. Now it's not.

You want to be her friend so why not accept the invitation. Not accepting is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

(I have friends that I may not see for years at a time due to distance and some I may not speak to for many months on end due to busy lives and dcs. They are still friends.)

OldGuard Sat 25-Feb-17 16:53:19

I don't call my or text my really good friends for months on end - but I'd be on the plane in an hour if they needed me - it's not quantity but quality - I think your partner is right on this one

Ruby2202 Sat 25-Feb-17 16:53:22

Eye-yes I think she does seem to not need much contact. I don't think I am only friend she's like this with either. When I have seen her she says she hasn't seen so and so for over a year. I just don't think I am willing to accept a friendship like that no. But it was very hard to let it go as she was a good friend at one point. On the other hand maybe it is just life getting in the way, i understand how busy it is. I work part time and had two pre-schoolers but I always found the time for people I wanted to.

I went to her dcs party in the summer and kind of felt like this was one last try. Not even an acknowledgement of the effort I had made or a thank you, nice to see you. It didn't even need to be a card. No contact since. I do feel like what would I get out of going? Nothing. Plus, all these feelings I ve worked hard to let go of will resurface. I am confused she's invited me really. Yes, maybe the we ve only invited a few people isn't true. The we really want you to be there and it would mean a lot to us is used a lot I think to get people to come but actions speak louder than words imo.

I ve felt this way for a few years and when I ve mentioned it to her I ve always felt bad for bringing it up. There's always been reassurance that she does value the friendship, an explanation of things going on in her life which is why she's not been in touch. So I ve left feeling silly for my feelings, accepted her reasons for not being in contact and reassured she values the friendship. Often, she will say unprompted that she will make more effort and texts are exchanged about pinning down dates for another meet up. But then it's no contact, no meet up and the same feelings my side resurface. Dh thinks my expectations are too high and I am silly to let go of the friendship but he admits she is rubbish. Is he right?

geordiedench Sat 25-Feb-17 16:57:00

I think maybe you show friendships in different ways. I'm rubbish at staying in touch. I love my friends but am very absorbed by work and family life, and friendships have taken a massive backseat. It's easy in those circumstances to see more of people who live 5 mins away not 45 mins away. Or maybe you do mean a lot to her but because of old times sake, and not because she feels she has much in common with you any more.

Either way, go if you want to, not if you don't. It sounds as though perhaps you're starting to feel the friendship has run its course and because you're a loyal type, you didn't spot it for a while. Is that possible?

ZippyNeedsFeeding Sat 25-Feb-17 17:04:34

I think I'd have to check that I hadn't accidentally been sent a group text.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 25-Feb-17 17:06:52

I'd be so tempted to send a text reply saying "I think you must have sent this to me in error" just to see what she came back with...

I think you've already shut the door on this friendship, tbh. If she hadn't contacted you again, you wouldn't have done so, so it's over. I understand that you're feeling this might be a glimmer of hope, but it's unlikely that you'll get any different treatment than you did at the last party you went to, so is it worth another metaphorical slap in the face?

Just send a card with apologies.

Spacecadet14 Sat 25-Feb-17 17:07:43

I would also assume I had been texted in error! Why not be honest? Say you're delighted but surprised to be invited as it's been ages since you were in contact. Surely after so many years of friendship you can be upfront with each other? If you can't, then that speaks volumes and maybe you should decline.

Ruby2202 Sat 25-Feb-17 17:09:54

Yes I am the local type so probably didn't spot the friendship running its course. I thought we both felt it might have run its course and by her comments felt she thought we didn't have very different lives now so was surprised to get the invite.

I know if we go the actual friendship won't change. It will be the same as it is now. I might mention my feelings to her and will get the same response as previous years and I will have the same feelings and we ll be in this situation once again.

She has got very ' I don't care too much about friendship' I think. I think she's very busy and focused on work and family life now. But I guess what's confusing me is if this is a temporary life's got in the way thing or a permanent thing. I don't want to loose the friendship but at the same time don't want to continue it when it's so one sided. I understand not seeing/talking to each other when you're a plane ride away but 45 mins to me doesn't feel like a big distance. She has school holidays free but no effort for contact.

From her point of view I think she probably feels I am over sensitive and read too much into things, which is probably true. I think the reason I don't have many friends is that previously my expectations were too high, I thought people weren't my friend if they didn't do certain things. I don't want to make this mistake again. Maybe she does feel we re still good friends but I can't help thinking it's the length of the friendship which makes her invite me rather than the closeness now. She probably thinks we have different things going on in our lives and that's life. She s a very practical and get on with it person. I expect she doesn't even see there's a problem.

Ruby2202 Sat 25-Feb-17 17:10:19

Should read loyal type.

Dulcimena Sat 25-Feb-17 17:12:46

Oh my gosh I could have written your OP. I have an ex-friend like this. I don't think your expectations are too high, and I don't think you should go either. In any relationship, I have always worked on the "on balance, does this make my life better or worse" and if you're constantly feeling let down, it has to be worse, right? So cut it off. Regardless of rights/wrongs/whatever, you're not getting what you need from the friendship and it makes you feel sad. You've moved on, you've nothing to lose from closing the door except your dignity.

Like others, I'd also be suspicious of the text and wondering if it was meant for me at all...

GoodDayToYou Sat 25-Feb-17 17:19:20

I don't understand this sort of behaviour either OP. You could spend your entire life trying to guess what she really means and it sounds like even asking her about it hasn't helped.
The fact is, it's not working for you as it is and you're the only one you have any control over. I'd suggest, either, try to find a way to stay in the friendship which feels good to you or, gently withdraw for the time being.

Ruby2202 Sat 25-Feb-17 17:19:36

Dul- I feel good when we see each other 1-1 or in couples. We always have a laugh and get on well. The feelings I have in between meetups melt away. It's during the none contact time I feel like rubbish

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