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Gas lighting is it me or am I going crazy?

(18 Posts)
LauraJ17 Mon 13-Feb-17 01:03:28

I'm pregnant and hormonal of course but today I have had situations when I've had notifications on my phone and my partner looked over to see what they were and I told him "oh it is just this" instantly just to ease his mind......anyway I'm half asleep and he is on his phone and I move around and open my eyes and he turns his phone and then closes it off, but before he does I notice his messages are there.

I know I probably just need to chill out but I suppose trust is never really mended so I instantly question him "who are you messaging" and he blows up calls me a psycho and says "oh well I thought that is she going to think I'm messaging someone if I'm on my phone, I was online shopping" I said I'm not blind I saw message, he switched his phone on and said "ah I might have been closing the apps"? He went "say sorry then you just need to trust me and stop this"

I instantly remembered earlier and said you need to stop being a hypocrite because it's ok for you to question my activity but as soon as I question yours I'm a psychopath?

I'm hormonal feel down about my appearance so I know this is affecting things but can someone tell me what i can say to him because he is always right and can never understand two sides it's always me who is the over reactor or paranoid one?

ExpatTrailingSpouse Mon 13-Feb-17 01:13:55

so... if it's nothing serious, then why wouldn't he show you his phone and his messages?

Tracey300884 Mon 13-Feb-17 01:15:33

He TOLD you to "Say sorry" to him?? Are you serious?? shock

He's definitely hiding something. No doubt about it... sad

YouHadMeAtCake Mon 13-Feb-17 01:23:15

The fact that he blew up immediately and called you a psycho tells me yes he is hiding something. Is there more to this, does he have form?

ChampagneCharley Mon 13-Feb-17 19:36:31

It concerns me that you say that he's always right. Is he someone who says everything is somone else's fault and never his? How long have things been like this?

LauraJ17 Mon 13-Feb-17 23:46:01

It's been on and off for a few years but we had a big break and decided to get back together which was so much better then it's just reverted back to old ways. I'm just so stubborn and I won't be made to feel like I was "seeing things" or I'm a "psychopath" we didn't talk about it at all today I came in to flowers and a card so I thought I would text him to thank him. He then brought up how I still haven't said sorry to him.

I said I am not apologising as it is a total one rule for one and one for another and how he looked at my phone and I totally reacted in a supportive it's ok it's just this thing from work. And he blew up calling me a psycho. He just started calling me thick and to stubborn to realise etc etc just name calling. He threw the cushion off me so hard it was a big cushion that my neck hurt as he is so strong I told him to get out but he wouldn't and kept saying no.

He told me if anyone could hear you now on how immature your being etc etc and is this why your ex left you etc. It just went totally bad he's still here and I haven't spoken a word to him I just want him to go. (He doesn't live here and lives in his parents) arrgghhh it's the most frustrating situation as he will only ever see it from his side ....

YouHadMeAtCake Tue 14-Feb-17 00:17:43

It's not what you want to hear OP but you should have stayed apart.
He's gaslighting and abusive. Physically and emotionally. What he will be like when the baby arrives, I dread to think.

MommaGee Tue 14-Feb-17 01:14:33

and I told him "oh it is just this" instantly just to ease his mind ease his mind over what? Do you have a history of cheating or is he just controlling??

suppose trust is never really mended does HE have a history of cheating?

You dont live together, I wouldnt be letting him back in. Hes emotionally abusive as a minimum OP and you're going to bring a baby into this??

Do you have RL support?

LauraJ17 Tue 14-Feb-17 06:43:50

It's hard because I have a 4 year old already which isn't biologically his. But he will take him swimming or do nice things with him. But when we clash (always when my little ones asleep) it's like it can't just be a normal conversation instantly he turns nasty calling me spoilt and all about myself. Which I'm far from that as I do everything to keep my family happy.

He has cheated once at the very start and on another occasion messaged someone on a night out asking to meet them they won't regret it etc. he didn't meet them and came straight here. But I ended it and he always found a way to wind his way back in because of the way he would apologise and the fact my son is involved.

It's like he is two different people and I'm so calm and stable it's hard sometimes to understand that. It's also down to his family being so wonderful I don't know how he even came from that it's just hard

LauraJ17 Tue 14-Feb-17 06:53:33

And no I've never cheated. I'm just so gullible I believe he's changed but every so often I have to deal with this in an argument and I know it's so hard but I feel so useless and ofcourse this beautiful being coming into our lives I feel so sorry I've messed it up for them.

He has his bags packed and slept on the settee so I'm guessing he will be leaving tomorrow. He even had the decency to bring me a cup of tea late on last night and said "there's a tea if you want it" I just thought I don't even want you here nevermind a drink to quench my thirst.

I just know I have to do this alone again but I'm so scared and stressed thinking what I have to come but I'm so strong minded I will just power through.

MommaGee Tue 14-Feb-17 11:44:53

* I feel so sorry I've messed it up for them.*
You haven't. He has. If his family are genuinely lovely they'll still want tp be in their grandbabys life and hopefully your older sons too.

What's happened today?

LauraJ17 Tue 14-Feb-17 14:33:13

Thanks so much it's nice just to hear someone saying that. Yeah I know they will 100%. Well we woke up he wished me happy Valentine's Day but I just couldn't bare to talk to him. Then he's messaged today while I've been at college saying how we need a solution how he's sorry that he has over stepped the mark and it's not acceptable.

I just feel a bit lost and had a little cry this morning on my own just feeling a bit hurt by his words really. We will just have to wait and see. My main priorities are always myself and my son (and now baby) so I have told him I want to be on my own. He can sit and suffer for now

MommaGee Tue 14-Feb-17 14:37:13

Could hevgp stay with his parents for a few days?

twocockers Tue 14-Feb-17 15:09:15

What the hell is gaslighting???

AyeAmarok Tue 14-Feb-17 15:20:54

You don't need us to tell you that it's his guilty conscience making him act like this.

You are going to have to do this alone OP.

Your options are basically a) go it alone now, b) go it alone in a few months/years time when you're even more frustrated with how much time and effort you've wasted on him or c) stick with him while he cheats on you and makes you feel crazy and worthless (this will be the option where you feel most alone, FYI).

LauraJ17 Tue 14-Feb-17 17:07:10

Two cockers, for example he said "I atleast want to be there for the babies birth" and I said that's fine I wouldn't stop you and he said "so what are you wanting to finish it" I went well you have just said you just want to be there for the birth so that's that, he went "no i didn't say I JUST want be there to see the birth" I said "your exact words were I atleast want to be there for the birth" he said I didn't say that that's not the same thing and I blow up out of frustration because I know what I heard but he made me think I thought totally incorrectly when it meant the same thing, like trying to manipulate me into thinking that wasn't what he said

LauraJ17 Tue 14-Feb-17 17:09:57

Well I just don't want to be around him I came in from picking my son up from school and he said "so are we going for food then" as if nothing's happened! I went no I do not want to go for food with you he went well I'll loose 20 we don't go so I may aswell go on my own and sit on a table for two for Valentine's night. Anyway then the above happened and I just can't handle it he's now saying "your a joke" so I asked him why he was here if I was such a joke ahhh it's just so frustrating

VogueVe Tue 14-Feb-17 17:12:38

Insist on seeing a couples therapist and have a unbiased third party weigh in. I think they will have serious words with him because this does sound a little ludicrous. I hope things work out!

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