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My daughter is going to stay with daddy :(

(57 Posts)
pixiehollow Wed 01-Feb-17 16:00:53

This is so hard to even write but I'm wanting advice as I've found my self in a horrible position. My eldest child is 6 years old, I have a 3 year old from a new relationship and another on the way. Me and my 6 year olds dad split up when she was very tiny, so she has always lived with me and seen daddy every now and then, now she sees him every weekend but over the months has absolute meltdowns whenever she comes home. She is a difficult child and always has been. But I'm her mummy and I love her unconditionallying. She is in trouble at school almost every day now, aswel as being absolutely awful at home.
She tells me she hates me and wants to live with daddy. She trashes her bedroom and is nasty to her brother. I find my self in tears and asking her why she is so angry at me and all she will say is I want daddy.
Yesterday she was in so much trouble at school that they actually removed her from the class! The new class teacher said her behaviour in ther wasn't good either. I left school feeling ashamed! Upset and in disbelief! I messaged her daddy. Told him exactly what has been going on. He then said he would come and get her for a week, take her to school and see if it made a difference. I told her this and she was estatic.
We went to meet him with all her school things and handed her over.
Its for a week but I'm terrified she will want to stay there.
It's awful for me because we didn't get on, he was vile to me which was why I left and put me through years of hel when I did leave. I'm worried that he isn't a good role model although he is a good weekend daddy... he's still living with his dad. She dosnt have her own room she has to sleep with him in his bed.
What do I do? What would you do?
I went to live with my grandparents as a child and grew up determined that I would keep all of my children. I was abandoned by both of my parents.

How do I do what's best for her when I just want her at home with me.

She has had a better day at school today which suggests I did the right thing but this also tells me she isn't happy with me at home. And this is devastating to me.

Has anybody been through anything like this? To make matters worse I lost a child 2 years ago, we had ago little girl who was born extremely poorly and died. I can't bear the thought of losing another one. sad

Sorry some of this dosnt make sense I have predictive text which just makes up words

Gallavich Wed 01-Feb-17 16:04:27

Maybe she doesn't like your new partner or feels pushed out by the new siblings.

Groovee Wed 01-Feb-17 16:06:01

I have no words but wanted to send you some hugs. That was a difficult decision and I take my hat off to you for putting your child first. A child can be led easily by the non resident parent and they both may find it's not as easy doing it all day e wry day x

ageingrunner Wed 01-Feb-17 16:09:10

I think you should try and get to the bottom of what's bothering her. Have school offered any help? She must feel very upset and unsettled about something if her behaviour is so extreme at the age of 6. Could your ex be poisoning her against you too?
Do you think he's a good person to look after her, considering how he treated you? I personally wouldn't allow my ds to live with his dad. He lives with me and that's the end of it.

pixiehollow Wed 01-Feb-17 16:10:47

Maybe, but we have been together 4 years, and this behaviour has been getting worse over the past 6 months. She only has one sibling here, and also a brother at daddys.
She maybe does 'feel' pushed out but she is the one who gets all the attention at home because she is such a handful

ImperialBlether Wed 01-Feb-17 16:11:23

I don't think his is a suitable home if he hasn't got a bed for her.

Does he spoil her a lot at the weekend? I would wonder what he's saying to her, tbh, that makes her so resistant to you. Does she ever say anything about that?

OneWithTheForce Wed 01-Feb-17 16:14:31

Wow. You seem to have made that decision very easily TBH considering you have so many reservations about his parenting ability. Like a PP says I would be trying to get to the bottom of herb behaviour in school and her anger. She sounds very like my son who is now being assessed for PDA. You need to have meeting with school, find out what is happening in the lead up to her bad behaviour, what her bad behaviour consists of, what the teacher does or can do when it happens. Also at home, what is triggering the outbursts? Something will be.

pixiehollow Wed 01-Feb-17 16:15:43

He is a better person now, he has since had a new relationship and then she left him and he seems to be very humble these days. I know he adores her.
School just keep asking why she's like this, and I say I don't know, she has literally always been a very difficult and emotional child. I wonder if there is other things going on. Dad has ADHD and was also a nightmare child. It is very difficult and I'm struggling to put a brave face on. Just feel like a total failure but my 3 yo is the complete opposite, he is very placid and is no bother at all.
She does say why don't my mum an dad live together. I do wonder if this is what is bothering her

Graphista Wed 01-Feb-17 16:16:12

That's a lot that's gone on in her young life. Mummy and daddy split, mummy now with somebody else, 3 new siblings to get her head round including the loss of one and now all this.

Have your family/she had any support ? Counselling? Particularly with the loss of the baby it might be a good idea to contact sands and child bereavement charities.

It sounds like an incredibly busy fraught time for all of you, she may be scared this baby will be poorly too. Just as you are worried but she can't articulate it as well so she's acting out. Do the school know everything that's happened?

BertieBotts Wed 01-Feb-17 16:17:22

Hang on. I think you need to take her to the GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS. This is clearly a very mixed up little girl, she's obviously struggling with several things. I'm not sure allowing her to think she can pick and choose who she lives with is helpful. If she's staying with your ex for a week, fine, but she needs to be told that this is temporary and not be given the idea that she can just change her mind whenever she likes.

That said, she does sound very unhappy. It sounds like she's had a lot going on. She might also be grieving her sister, or struggling to understand/process the loss? I assume she was aware that you were pregnant, and four year olds are often excited about baby siblings. She might need support which is more than you or your ex can really give. Are the school aware of the situation?

Although it's not wrong for a child of six to sleep in their parents bed if that suits the family, it's not appropriate if she doesn't have the option to sleep in her own bed if she wants to. I'd expect that to be set up even if for now it's just a ready bed on the floor or something.

Don't panic. Deep breath. You are going to need to push for support for her but I don't think you've lost her.

pixiehollow Wed 01-Feb-17 16:18:22

I've made what desision easily? I told dad what had happend and he said he would come get her for a week.
I also never mentioned his parenting ability. . But the way he treat me 6/7 years ago. If I didn't think he wasn't a good parent I wouldn't of let him take her for a week!!!!!!!!!
But when your daughter is saying over and over again I want my daddy how can I just ignore her feelings over my own?

Wumpychoo Wed 01-Feb-17 16:19:07

I would try and get help. You said she is difficult so maybe if you saw the GP they could recommend you for some sort of help at working on your relationship with her. There might be things you could do differently with her that would help.

BertieBotts Wed 01-Feb-17 16:21:58

ADHD is very heritable so it's not impossible she has that but I don't think I would be worried about disorders and such yet. I think I would look into mental health support or counselling for her to help her process everything that's going on. I don't know if I missed a post that you're pregnant as somebody suggested, but certainly she could be transferring the memory of the baby you lost and worrying that she might lose a sibling or a parent or even that she might get ill herself?

OneWithTheForce Wed 01-Feb-17 16:22:40

I've made what desision easily? I told dad what had happend and he said he would come get her for a week.

Yes that does seem very easily done. Can't you see that? You told him what happened, he said e would take her for a week so you packed up her stuff and took her. Despite your concerns about him.

pixiehollow Wed 01-Feb-17 16:24:41

I'm a little overwhelmed by some of the comments.
School are aware of the whole situation.
And no none of us have had any councilling at all.
She was 4 when her baby sister died.
And yes of corse it was a hurrendous experience for us all. I know she will come back because her grandad has told me she does the same with him and cries to come home. She is a very complicated child she is also very very clever. (Can I just had she haant had three siblings at home)
I had one child when she was 2 1/2
Then had my 3rd a year later who was in hospital then in a hospice and died 16 weeks old, the other child is at her dad's from his new relationship. So there is just one other sibling here

BertieBotts Wed 01-Feb-17 16:24:43

If she regularly stays with him for weekends, to be fair, I don't think it's a big stretch that he's offered to take her for a week. Many separated parents who live near each other and have a somewhat amicable relationship have loose contact arrangements like this, it's not unusual or worrying. Well, aside from the lack of a bed but again I think a temporary one set up would solve the issue for now. But long term I think it would need to be a priority for him.

BertieBotts Wed 01-Feb-17 16:26:36

OP I can understand it might be overwhelming. Just break posts down and respond one topic at a time.

I feel like counselling would be very beneficial. You could go through the GP or through school, either would be able to direct you to appropriate help.

LIZS Wed 01-Feb-17 16:26:37

While I think it may be beneficial to take the heat out of the situation I think you need to make it clearvto dd that this isn't a long term option. She needs her own space and bed. Are you in danger of giving her too much say at a young age. Have school suggested cahms or a referral for counselling or assessment.

pixiehollow Wed 01-Feb-17 16:27:34

In the holidays she will go to his for a week, if I am working she will go for a few days this isn't unusual at all. We live in the same town.
No I can't see what your trying to say at all. He adores her and she adores him. I personally don't like him! That dosnt mean he isn't a good dad to her! (I packed school clothes for a week) I did not pack up all her stuff and send her off like your trying to suggest! I want her to be happy!

Ilovecaindingle Wed 01-Feb-17 16:28:51

She is a bit young to have dictated to you her wishes and for you to have granted her request.
But it's done now and I am sure she will realise df is OK in small doses but home with dm is the best place to be. Maybe in her head df would make all her worries go away. . Likely whatever is up with her will still be there - and she will in turn tell df she wants to live with dm. Here's hoping he is as amiable about handing her back. .

pixiehollow Wed 01-Feb-17 16:28:55

Yeh I have said to her this isn't a long term thing she know's this and said she will be back. No they havn't said anything and I'm not sure what these things stand for I've never hearD of any of this

blueskyinmarch Wed 01-Feb-17 16:32:27

I don’t see any problem with the decision you have made pixie. I assume both you and your ex want to do the the right thing for your DD? He is her dad and has an active role in her life. Why shouldn’t he take her for a week to see if that makes a difference. It might help to get to the bottom of what is troubling her.

pixiehollow Wed 01-Feb-17 16:32:29

This is my first ever post so I don't know how to reply to each individual message. But thankyou bertiebotts for actually understanding! I am shocked at how many judgementAl people there are, I'm absolutely devastated my self. Have been through hell and back I just want to do right by her, I came here for advice not to be judged

OneWithTheForce Wed 01-Feb-17 16:35:09

Ok that puts a different perspective on it than what came from your initial post. It did seem to be that this was a big Deal That she went to his for a week and you were worried about her not wanting to come back but now it seems she goes for a week all the time and knows this is temporary so that's very different.

blueskyinmarch Wed 01-Feb-17 16:35:57

Pixie Please don’t be upset by the way people respond to things. Everyone has a right to give their view and sometimes it can feel like you are being got at. I can see you feel overwhelmed by what is going on and you want to help your DD. There is no reason for her not to stay a while with her dad. You have all had a very difficult time and small children can pick up on anxiety easily. Perhaps it is calmer and there is less emotional tension at her dad’s?

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