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Please give me advice. (sensitive subject)

(467 Posts)
GlowWorm123 Tue 31-Jan-17 11:02:50

I have recently found out I am pregnant, unplanned but DP knew we wasn't taking any contraception and happily had sex with me daily. I'd have this baby but he is desperate not too. Realistically, the best thing to do is to terminate but the circumstances we are facing aren't reasons to terminate in my opinion. I am really sorry if this offends anyone, i'm just desperate for advice and absolutely terrified.

If you've read my thread in Pregnancy Choices, you'll have read I had an awful doctors appointment and have been struggling to get advice anywhere. It still hasn't sunk in properly, I don't feel ready to be making such huge decisions that can potentially leave me with everlasting guilt.

DP has now booked me in for an abortion consultation on my behalf (I've never asked him too). He will be pretty much escorting me to my appointments, which I feel obliged to say that I want an abortion.

Is this even allowed? How can another person, make GP/Clinic appointments on behalf of another? What do I do sad

ImperialBlether Tue 31-Jan-17 11:04:45

First of all I'd end the relationship with your DP. He sounds horrible and whether you terminate or not, he's not someone you should be around.

OnceUponATimeInAVest Tue 31-Jan-17 11:04:52

1) Leave your DP.
2) Seek counseling to help you make your own decision.

PurpleDaisies Tue 31-Jan-17 11:05:08

I you don't want an abortion you don't have to have one. I'd suggest you take some time away from your partner and think about what YOU want to do. Think about whether you can do it on your own if he won't support you but it's totally your decision. Have you seen a counsellor?

GlowWorm123 Tue 31-Jan-17 11:09:33

He is right in the respect the circumstances aren't the right timing, but nothing that can't be sorted.

I think I should go to an appointment, discuss my options with a healthcare professional (whether that be an abortion or to keep the baby) but will he have to come in the room with me?! I don't want him too. He will definitely be there now he's booked the appointment and knows the clinic and time!!! sad

PurpleDaisies Tue 31-Jan-17 11:10:58

You need to tell him you're going on your own and you need some space to decide how you feel.

OnceUponATimeInAVest Tue 31-Jan-17 11:11:17

Phone the clinic, rearrange. Don't tell him what the new time is, do tell him the relationship is over.

PurpleDaisies Tue 31-Jan-17 11:11:35

And as a competent adult, he has no right to attend your medical appointments.

GlowWorm123 Tue 31-Jan-17 11:15:47

I've told him I want to go on my own, he's coming for "support" - that's bollocks, it's to make sure I go through with this. I cried my eyes out and said I feel rushed - he knows best apparently.

I'm so angry, how can the NHS let someone make an appointment without my given consent!!! He has no right to come, but he will be there I have no doubts about that. Will he be allowed to just walk in the room with me?

If I rearrange, he'll know i've cancelled it. This can't happen.

HeyRoly Tue 31-Jan-17 11:16:15

Look, it seems pretty obvious that you don't want an abortion, correct?

So is there any point discussing your options with a healthcare professional? You have two options and you know what they are.

It sounds like you're scared of your partner and you feel powerless against him. You feel like he's going to force you to terminate?

Have a think about that. If that's true, then you need help to get away from him. Do you have any supportive family? If not, then you need to speak to a healthcare professional about having a controlling and abusive partner, and that you're afraid of what he'll do if you refuse a termination.

PotteringAlong Tue 31-Jan-17 11:17:18

He has no right to attend any of your medical appointments or make any medical decisions on your behalf assuming that he does not have power of attorney over you for any reason.

Also, your DP cannot reasonably say that a baby was unplanned if you were having daily unprotected sex.

If you want to have an abortion then have one, but only if you want one. To be honest, I suspect your relationship is screwed either way so don't do something you will regret.

Butteredpars1ps Tue 31-Jan-17 11:19:52

OP you mustn't be coerced into a termination.

are you in the UK? I would access online or telephone support to discuss this.

Heathen4Hire Tue 31-Jan-17 11:22:05

I echo other posters.

It's YOUR body, YOUR right to choose.

He was happy to have unprotected sex but not deal with the potential fallout? Get rid.

PurpleDaisies Tue 31-Jan-17 11:22:47

I've told him I want to go on my own, he's coming for "support" - that's bollocks, it's to make sure I go through with this. I cried my eyes out and said I feel rushed - he knows best apparently.

You have to be strong and tell him you don't want him there. It's probably the end of your relationship-he sounds like a controlling arsehole but you can choose to keep the baby if that's what you want to do. Don't let him make the decision for you.

I'm so angry, how can the NHS let someone make an appointment without my given consent!!! He has no right to come, but he will be there I have no doubts about that. Will he be allowed to just walk in the room with me?

This is a totally different issue. It's helpful for others to be able to make go appointments if for whatever reason they can't make them themselves.

In your situation, unless you speak up and say you don't want him in the room they'll assume you want him there and let him come in. If you tell the doctor you want him to wait outside they'll refuse to let him come into the room.

Are there any friends or family you could go and spend some time with?

NerrSnerr Tue 31-Jan-17 11:22:50

If you change the appointment what do you think he'll do? He sounds really abusive and he should not be pressurising you into this. Is there a sexual health clinic near you, you could go there to talk things through.

Ilovecaindingle Tue 31-Jan-17 11:23:13

You need to confide in someone in rl who can stand beside you when you tell dh to fuck off. Whatever you decide its your body and ultimately your choice. . But long term with the man surely isn't best for you either. ..
Many women will admit they had their babies when the circumstances weren't the very best also!

Waltermittythesequel Tue 31-Jan-17 11:24:07

I'm so angry, how can the NHS let someone make an appointment without my given consent!!!

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that your anger at the NHS is misplaced. Anyone can make an appointment in anyone's name. You don't have to go to it.

You need to stop letting yourself be bullied into this.

GlowWorm123 Tue 31-Jan-17 11:24:30

It is the right thing to do, I know that but equally the obstacles we face can be sorted. Once i've got my head around it, I probably would want a termination too but I don't feel i've made that decision myself yet.

I'm in the UK, I requested two call backs from BPAS and never got one. I want to go to this appointment alone, but he just won't let that happen. I just want to be in the room with the nurse/professional on my own.

TheFlis12345 Tue 31-Jan-17 11:25:38

For this type of consultation they always insist on seeing you on your own so that can ensure you are not being forced into it. Anyone accompanying you will have to stay in the waiting room for at least part of the appointment (I went with a friend and they wouldn't even let me go in with her despite her asking if I could).

PurpleDaisies Tue 31-Jan-17 11:26:15

I want to go to this appointment alone, but he just won't let that happen. I just want to be in the room with the nurse/professional on my own.

This is your absolute right. You have to speak up.

What do you think will happen if you tell him you're going in on your own?

TheTartOfAsgard Tue 31-Jan-17 11:27:11

Rebook the appointment to a day/time before the original one, don't tell him, and go on your own.

GlowWorm123 Tue 31-Jan-17 11:29:48

theflis your post has given me hope. That is all I want, to be in the room alone with a professional, just some space for 10 minutes.

purple World War 3 without a doubt.

thetart the appointment is for Thursday, the likelihood of one before then is slim but I will try, thank you smile

acatcalledjohn Tue 31-Jan-17 11:30:56

Let him come with you, and then in the room with the consultant/nurse present say that you do not want an abortion and didn't make the appointment in the first place.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this twat. This is your body, only you get to say what happens to it. He can fuck off to the far side of fuck, and fuck of some more when he gets there.

My suggestion above will end your relationship, but in fairness that will be good for you. He does not care about you. If he did, he'd listen & support you. Instead he was willing to risk you get pregnant and risk you dealing with it. Because an abortion is not without risk, same goes for pregnancy. His sole risk? Having to pay maintenance. After all he can choose to walk away (which would make him a shit), but instead he tries to control what you choose to do to your body (which makes him an even bigger shit).

In contrast: ages ago I thought I was pregnant (would have been very unwelcome). AF was almost 2 weeks late. DP didn't force anything on me, he just supported me because like a normal human being he understands the concept of bodily autonomy.

PurpleDaisies Tue 31-Jan-17 11:32:49

For this type of consultation they always insist on seeing you on your own so that can ensure you are not being forced into it.

That's not always true, much as it would help the op.

Butteredpars1ps Tue 31-Jan-17 11:33:27

While DP can make you a GP appt, I am not so sure he would be able to arrange an appt with an abortion provider, unless it's a private arrangement.

Have you seen you GP OP? It might be a better starting point.

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