Wwyd about the past in this instance(8 Posts)
Last year for a milestone birthday of ds1; my ex in laws sent him diary extracts of theirs' from his childhood. It started off with cute stuff he'd said & I thought it seemed a really nice idea. Anyway, as it went on it started to become more dubious when it came to the point where exH & I broke up. Lots of entries like "daddy has been left in terrible debt by mummy" -with words like "debt"& "mummy" highlighted in bold & later" mummy has been lying to daddy"-When I told him I was seeing somebody and another entry, recounting a phone conversation I remember very well, "daddy is a bit upset tonight, because mummy has been saying cruel things" -This particular conversation I had told him that there was no hope of us ever getting back together and I asked him if he even remembered forcing me into a termination at 16 weeks, because he'd changed his mind retrospectively about a 2nd child.
He was extremely abusive towards me; sexually violent, financially and emotionally abusive.
Sorry I'm rambling. The point is, all through ds's childhood I would drive to meet ex in laws whenever they requested it, had them in my house when they came to take ds on holiday a couple of times, always smiley and friendly and always assumed that, as they were making arrangements with me themselves, they realised their son was a bit shit.
ExDH has never contributed a penny to ds's upbringing, in fact I had to pay off a debt he built up on the old dormant (I thought) joint account a few years after we separated, he sold some brand new games I bought for ds one Xmas & told him they were damaged in a flood!
I left exdh taking my son with me, I left him and started a (very part time) relationship with a man at work (dh)- I have never disputed this and ds knows this. I left him in the house we had bought together as he wouldn't leave it. I have been content to be the bad guy on the basis that it must surely have become clear over the years that this wasn't the full story- exdh still getting himself into debt by buying himself the latest gadgets and no money for birthday & Xmas presents for ds etc.
My parents & ex PILs don't know about the termination, they don't know that I found out (after we were married) exdh was having a "relationship" with my sister, which caused her a lot of trauma. -she was 12 or 13 when this started. I was 17 when she told me and I did nothing as ExH managed to convince us both that coming clean would ruin ds's life.
What PILs do know is that I was a 14 year old girl who came into their house, they know that I was pregnant at 15 and had a termination, that I was pregnant again at 16, with my much wanted ds.
I wrote to them after the diary thing to say that they had no idea what went on in the marriage that I thought they must be aware that their son had never made any financial contribution towards ds's upbringing and that I had never told ds this.
The last few months I have really wobbled because of this after years of putting everything behind me, surviving, coping, having a lovely and settled life with my dh & dcs. It's opened everything up again and I cannot believe they have been so stupid; if ds gets married it's going to be so awkward for him; he was really embarrassed about the diary and hasn't really seen anyone from that side of his family since.-WWYD?
I'm not sure if you need to do anything. Your ex sounds bloody awful but you've been a steady rock in ds's life and he doesn't want to see the ILs. I can't imagine why they thought the later diary extracts were appropriate so I'd be letting that wane.
It all sounds very difficult and confusing though.
This sounds pretty calculated on their behalf actually. They must have known that the content they were sending was biased and negative towards you, the parent who actually considers the well being of your son. Personally, I would let them know about all the crap exdh put you through, there's really no reason why you should protect him by keeping it secret. Ask that they stop trying to interfere (you have been very accommodating so far) and if they continue, go nc. Your ds is better off without mean and petty ppl in his life.
Thanks for your responses. In a way i covered for him so much during our relationship that i still am. I'm embarassed at all the things i covered up for him. I am still pondering what to do about ex pils. I suspect that even if i told them they would declare loudly it was nonesense & not mention it to exH to save face.
I'm really confused as to what is the right response to this.
Facilitating contact is not really an issue anymore Fritz I think ex pils have decided to leave it up to ds for a few years now, and ive decided to keep out of it since the diary.
Sending your son diary extracts is absolutely horrible. What on earth were they thinking?
I would be horrified if my daughter's absent father's parents did something like that.
Could you get this moved to the Relationships topic so you can get more support?
That is the worst present ever. And a bloody stupid and mean spirited idea.
It sounds like your ds knows how it is and by not having much to do with your ex IL now is showing you.
Wtaf were they thinking
Maybe you could write them a letter detailing everything that went on during your relationship...but don't send it. Burn it even. It may be therapeutic to have it all in black and white.
With regards to contact, I would leave it up to your son to decide whether or not he wants to see them.
Well done for escaping such an unhealthy relationship, a lot of people struggle to take that leap
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