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Wits End Lazy DH

(5 Posts)
PixiePlops Sun 22-Jan-17 00:08:59

So, I've started drinking too much and haven't shared a bedroom with my DH in months...is this why??

Met DH in 2012, him being 10 years older than me and me being 27- he was everything I needed at that time. I couldn't conceive naturally; my ex was younger than me and nowhere near up for the ivf journey, so it ended. Previous bf's had been of the cheating or beating variety.
I just wanted to settle with someone who was loving, financially stable and up for a family asap; what better than a 10 years your senior, divorcee, hey?

Probably worthwhile mentioning that I had my own lovely home, car, career at this point. I certainly wasn't a leach! That's for sure! We had a wonderful time in the first months; holidaying, partying, having fun. He quickly proposed with a stupidly big ring.

Within a year we bought a house together. Things changed instantly. He made a bigger contribution towards the deposit than me, for which he reminds me, unprompted, frequently. He reverted to being a teenage boy.

My understanding is that he's always been a spoilt brat. He is now a 43 yo man that will send his elderly mother to the shop rather than ever go himself. Did the same to his Nan before she passed. He's one of them who has a migraine rather than a headache. Flu and never a cold. Is dying rather than just under the weather.

When I fell pregnant in 2014 with DS after 1st attempt ivf it was amazing. Everything i'd ever dreamed of! I'd had a hard time previously. When DS arrived though, wow, I seen DH's true colours! He couldn't handle it!! He did nothing to help, I mean nothing! Wouldn't have known how to had I asked!!

We had slept in separate rooms in lead up to birth as I was uncomfortable. This continued for months afterwards as he didn't want to be disturbed. I was on mat leave, it was my job....

My Maternity leave was difficult as DH thought I should do everything whilst not earning; walk dog, clean big house, see to baby day and night, cook meals. He only works 3 hours(ish) max a day!!

Now DS is 2 yo the same mentality prevails. Even though I'm back at work, doing x3 the daily hours he does, paying 50/50 towards everything. DH plays games on his phone and ignores DS (&me), most days he has no work on, and just lays on sofa blasting the heating, whilst I run round doing endless jobs/walking dog/working 8 hours...

I've hired a cleaner etc as I simply cannot do everything, but he refuses to contribute towards the costs as it's not important to him. I swear, I could strangle him even repeating those words. I stress morning, noon and night just keeping things 'afloat' whilst he lays on sofa playing pretend sport on his phone!!

Unless he has a couple of mins between his phone games to 'spare' to do a bit of wresting, he does nothing other than the nursery run for our son. He's not interested in my conversations about him, he doesn't like to discuss future plans, he doesn't want to talk about our sons hobbies/interest or what we could do better for him.

I'm 'on his case' if I strike up a conversation. He just wants to lay, undisturbed, on the sofa, playing phone games.

Have I made my bed and have to lie in it? I have my son and our home and security to think of!

I read recently that you can compare the love your child(ren) has for a shitty father, to shit sticking to your shoe...of cause it attaches, but should it really be there??

What does one do? Whatever way, life is currently shit for me and I'm aware that self medicating with wine and months of separate bedrooms is not a sustainable solution!! Xx

cowbag1 Sun 22-Jan-17 00:14:39

Assuming you've sat down and tried to have a calm conversation with him about this and that hadn't worked, I'm afraid I would go on strike. No cooking, ironing or anything unless it's for you and your ds. If that doesn't prompt him to step up, ltb.

PixiePlops Sun 22-Jan-17 00:23:12

He doesn't want to talk being the main problem. I'm 'on his case' and even told to 'shut up!' I personally do not speak to people in that manor if approached in a fair, calm way...We've brought up so differently, it's difficult, especially now we have a little one to set examples for

Rainbowqueeen Sun 22-Jan-17 00:29:11

If he won't talk about it and is not going to change, I would leave.

Start by working out your financial position and book an appointment with a solicitor. When you have all the information you need make your move.

You will be so much happier

anahata Sun 22-Jan-17 13:45:31

I absolute agree with what Rainbow has said above.

I've been in a very similar situation, even fertility issues but without the baby.

Just a word of advice, find your marriage certificate and keep it safe and hidden. When you go to the solicitor, you need this and several forms of ID to file for divorce.
The person that files is the person that's in control all the way through the divorce. If your husband was angry enough to file, then wanted to be an arse and trap you by not doing anything else in terms of divorce proceedings, he legally could. You wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

You have the certificate, you file, you be in control.

Wine isn't the answer. I tried. Pm me if you need a chat xx

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